“You’re good.”
She nods, stands still for a moment, and then reaches up to kiss my cheek before she departs.
A few minutes later, I walk out, still in a fog.
What the hell did I just do?
*****
I’ve been driving around in circles.
All the official services have been over for hours. A few of the guys went to Sweetwater to toast Rinaldo, but I declined. My head is still buzzing with the events of the day, and the last thing I want is a drink. Jonathan gave me a lot of shit for not joining him. He didn’t think I should be alone, but I didn’t want company.
I also didn’t want to look at Lucia.
I have no idea what happened in that little room. One moment, I was trying to comfort her, and the next I was shoving my cock into her. There was no thought behind it—just her body and mine together and the slight thumping sound of the desk as it connected with the wall behind it. I barely even remember coming.
I’m supposed to marry Lucia.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there will be no wedding. I can only hope that Rinaldo didn’t mention the idea to Lucia or Lele. As much as I want to honor his wishes, I can’t marry her. I could never love her, and the whole idea of trying to set up a wife somewhere while I try to keep Rinaldo’s empire from crumbling around me during the transition is ludicrous. I need to focus on setting myself up as the new boss. I can’t do both.
I don’t want to do either.
Going home and crawling into bed sounds as good as anything, but for once, I know I won’t be alone. Alina is at my apartment, waiting for me, and I don’t want to face her.
What am I supposed to say? I don’t need it tonight? I already got some?
I don’t even belong to a gym where I can go shower Lucia’s scent off of me before coming into contact with Alina. Yes, I’m paying her to be there, but I still feel guilty about what I’ve done. Lia was the only other serious relationship I’d ever had, and I wouldn’t have dreamed of being with another woman when I had her.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I even care?
It’s a betrayal—that’s why. I betrayed Alina. We have an arrangement, and I went against it. I fucked someone else, and I can’t take it back. Loyalty is what I hold most dear. I won’t stand for any kind of treachery from anyone around me, yet I, myself, had just betrayed someone.
Just like I betrayed Rinaldo when I killed Felisa.
What am I supposed to do now? Tell her? Keep it a secret? I’m not even sure which would be worse. Maybe if I just forget about it—hide it from her—she would never have to know I’d gone behind her back. Then again, if she was still turning tricks on the street and tried to keep it from me, I’d kill her.
What if Alina got caught up in some moment of passion and then told me about it later? Would I be more forgiving, hearing it from her mouth, or would I be just as likely to go ballistic?
I honestly don’t know if it would change the outcome, but finding out from someone else would definitely be worse.
Some things can’t be taken back.
I can’t go back and change positions with Zach. I’d chosen the spot to set up, and he had been the one hit. I can’t spin back the clock and save my unit from being ambushed. I can’t return to that time and place and keep myself from being captured.
If Bridgett had told me herself that she’d been talking about me to someone else, would it have saved her life? Or would her death still be a black mark on my soul as yet another mistake?
A whole list of things I have done more recently that can’t be reversed flood my head: killing Felisa; promising Rinaldo I’d take over the business and marry his daughter; buying Alina from her pimp…the list goes on.
My mind spins in another direction.
If I’d never been captured in the first place, I’d probably never have met Jonathan. Without him, I wouldn’t have known Rinaldo at all. I never would have known anyone who called me son.
Does that make it all worth it?
If Lia hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t have returned to Chicago at all, and I wouldn’t have met Alina. Rinaldo would have died, and I might not have even known about it. He might have even bled out on the street while Paulie and Beni debated what hospital they should take him to.
That might have been better.