‘Turn around and show me your bum,’ he says.
Intoxicated by the hunger in his eyes, I turn around and jut my bottom out provocatively. I look back and see his eyes rush to my crotch where the pale blue string of my thong is caught between my sex lips. Without removing his eyes from me, he takes his jacket off and pulls his shirt out of his trousers.
I turn back around and, with my hands behind my back, fiddle with my bra strap, while I slide my tongue over my bottom lip. I know that always drives him crazy.
‘Go on,’ he mutters, unbuttoning his shirt.
I take the bra off.
‘Jesus, you’re so fucking sexy.’ The pupils of his eyes are dilated and huge.
‘What do you want off next?’ I sound all breathy and bimbo-ish.
‘That bit of string stuck to your pussy.’
I laugh giddily.
His expression doesn’t change. He stares as if bewitched. I used to wonder what it would be like to be with someone who made me feel so desired, so wanted, so special. Now I know. I don’t know what the future holds. But it can never take this moment away from me.
I take it off and holding it in my hand, scandalize myself by bringing it to my nose and smelling the string.
He catches his breath and standing up steps out of his trousers and boxers. He runs his hand along the curve of my buttocks. My skin burns faintly at his touch.
‘So slender,’ he murmurs, the sound warm and intimate. Then he bends down and swipes his velvety tongue slowly and tantalizingly along the crack. ‘And as sweet as sin,’ he whispers. He moves upwards, flicks his tongue on the rim of my ear, catches the lobe between his teeth, and suddenly nips me. My stomach curls and I moan.
He catches my waist and spins me around, his gaze adoring. I slide my wrists around his neck and press my body invitingly against his hardness. I am desperate to feel my breasts crushed against the dark hair on his chest and his hot, wet mouth on them. I want his hands to spread my open thighs and gorge himself on the swollen whorls of flesh there.
But he doesn’t.
Instead, he pulls me toward the ceiling-to-floor windows. My palms connect with the cold surface and I see the panoramic view of the city glittering with neon lights surrounded by miles of dark desert. I feel him tilt my hips up toward him, and enter me in a fierce thrust. And I see my shining reflection open its mouth in a startled gasp.
‘You like it rough?’
‘Yes.’
He thrusts again, harder. ‘Like this?’
‘Yes,’ I gasp.
I feel him pull apart my buttocks and the next thrust is so hard and so deep that my body jerks like a puppet. My eyes swivel upwards, dimly noticing the stars like jewels in the soft blackness of the night sky. A thought hits me: All that I need is to be his. Like this. Forever.
‘Nobody has taken you so hard before, have they?’
‘No.’
‘Nobody ever will again, will they?’
‘No,’ I moan.
‘Because this is all mine. I own all of this now, don’t I?’
‘Yes, yes, yes.’
His finger drums relentlessly at the side of my clit. The sensation causes a rush of aching warmth to start flooding my body. He keeps up the thrusts and the drumming until I explode and splinter into a thousand pieces. I am slumped against the glass when I feel him climax. He comes with a fierce bark of humorless laughter.
I rest against the glass panting, slowly returning.
‘Do you know,’ he whispers close to my ear, his voice sensation soaked, lazy. ‘I dreamed about you.’
‘Really,’ I murmur. I am pleasantly satiated. I want to keep him inside me forever.
‘Don’t you want to know what I dreamed?’
‘What did you dream?’ My voice is lazy, playful.
‘We went out, we had dinner, we had sex… And then you betrayed me.’
I freeze, the blood congealing in my veins. He saw me coming!
In the glass I see his face gleaming dimly, as insubstantial as a ghost. It is a moment so simple, but so heightened because of that very simplicity. Life rarely offers such moments of profound clarity. It is as if I have trained for years for this moment. I see its preciousness glittering like a cornered rat’s eyes. Kill or be killed. Hesitating is to make the second choice.
I whisk around, eyes wide, clumsy and unsteady in my heels.
His face is tight as a carved marble bust. The glass behind my back is shockingly cold and the silence between us is leaden. Suddenly I feel the way Eve must have felt, so naked, so exposed, and so fucking guilty.
He stands a foot away from me, touching distance, and simply looks at me. As if he is looking at a piece of modern art and trying to figure out what the artist intended to say with his senseless splashes of color. I try to imagine what he must be seeing.
After you cut all the bullshit about making the world a safer place and my gnawing shame that I was not there for Luke when he needed me, what is left? A sad, lonely, despicable bitch, who tried to use her body to get some information and failed miserably.
I open my mouth and, honestly, I don’t know what I was planning to say, but he lays a silencing finger across my lips.
‘Don’t lie, baby,’ he advises softly.
I shake my head. I can feel the tears gathering at the backs of my eyes. I blink hard and fast. He takes his hand away.
‘Did you tell them about the sixteenth?’
Dismay curves my spine. I close my eyes and nod.
I hear him sigh softly.
I open my eyes and he is looking at me with an expression so sad that I want to press my body against his and hold him, but I can’t. I couldn’t bear it if he pushed me away. God! It had seemed so real only a moment ago and yet it was all only a mirage. I feel my body trembling.
‘When did you find out?’ My voice is just a string.
‘Maybe I always knew. I just didn’t want to believe it.’
‘How?’ A part of me wants to know where I went wrong.
One corner of his lips twists. ‘Everything about you was off. You were too clean to be a runaway. And a runaway who has never let a man come inside her before? And there is one more thing that you might want to reconsider before you go back to being an undercover asset. You talk in your sleep.’
‘I do?’ I say hoarsely.
‘That time when you were attacked you said, “Get Crystal Jake.” I knew then for sure. No one calls me that anymore.’
‘So you admit dealing in drugs?’
He frowns. ‘How have I just admitted to dealing in drugs?’
‘Crystal Jake because you were selling crystal meth.’
‘Is that what they told you?’ He grasped his crystal chain and tugged hard at it. It broke, sending sparkling crystals flying across the room, hitting the floor. With his other hand he took my hand, opened my palm, put in what was left in his fist and closed my hand. ‘That is why I was called Crystal Jake. I have never sold hard drugs.’
My gaze moves from my closed fist up to his eyes. I don’t know whether to believe him, but he has never lied to me, and it is true that the whole time I have been with him I have not seen any evidence of drug usage or dealing either at Eden or on a personal level.
I stare at him as I have never seen him before. As the man I am in love with. All this while I have been pretending—to him and to myself—that I’m not. But I love him. I love this gangster who seems more honest and sincere than a priest. Other than the bed covered in used money I have no evidence that he is a gangster anyway.
He walks away from me and begins to dress. I stand at the glass, naked and frozen, all kinds of thoughts churning through my mind. He comes back fully dressed and looks at me. There is contempt in his eyes.
‘Why did you marry me if you knew?’
‘So that no one will be able to force you to testify against me. If you do, it will be because you want to.’
My mouth drops open. For some reason his answer is painful on a shocki
ng level. ‘How could you marry me for that reason?’
‘How could you show me your naked body and keep your heart covered? Tell them the next time they want another swipe at me it might be an idea not to send such a rookie.’ He looks at me with hard, derisive eyes. ‘Enjoy your wedding night, Mrs. Eden.’
Oh
The damage is done
So I guess I be leavin’
—Cry me a River, Justin Timberlake