“If it wasn’t the picture, I’m certain it would’ve been something else that gave me away. Keeping the truth from her was starting to break me.”
“Well, I’m personally glad it came out, Rana. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own experiences in life, it’s that nothing good comes from hiding the truth. It will always come out—whether you’re ready for it or not.”NOTHING LEFT UNSAIDThe letter was Landon’s idea.
Beth had been in contact with me in the days that followed the carnival to let me know how her daughter was doing. Lilith was apparently still in a bit of shock but talking more about it to her parents.
Beth said she explained everything in regards to how I came to be her “Big Sister.” She indicated that Lilith still wasn’t ready to see me but assured me that Lilith didn’t hate me.
Apparently, according to Beth, Lilith had overheard her parents talking one night. They’d mentioned my name, and that prompted her to bring up the subject of her adoption with me that one time—when inside I had freaked out and acted strange. That made her somewhat suspicious. Then, at the carnival, when she’d seen the photo, that was what confirmed it for her.
Landon knew how hard the waiting was for me. He suggested that I put my thoughts into a letter. That way, Lilith could read it at her own pace, and it would allow me to really get all of the things I wanted to say out without flubbing it up or leaving anything out.
Desperate to give her my side of the story, I spent several days doing nothing but writing to her. I wrote about my childhood, about my relationship—or lack thereof—with my mother. I wrote about the thoughts and feelings that ran through me when I first found out I was pregnant. I gave her all of the details about her birth and recalled the months I ran away. And I especially tried my best to express all of the regret I felt. I mostly tried to convey how much I loved her despite what my actions may have implied. I also tried my best to explain that even though I never told her my true identity, the bond we had been experiencing these past couple of years was real. I wanted her to know that she was truly getting to know the real me all of this time.
Probably the most complicated thing to explain to her was my plastic surgery. It contradicted everything I’d ever said to her about self-acceptance and loving herself just as she is. I’d often told her how beautiful she is. Would she ever believe me, knowing I’d changed my face—our face? I did my best to explain that it was much more than a need to change for physical purposes alone. But I honestly feared that my explanation would always be a hard sell for her, especially as she got further into her teen years. Without an inkling of where her head was at on the issue, I just had to pray that my actions wouldn’t harm her self-esteem in the long-term.
Each night, Landon and I would lie in bed, and he would review what I’d written that day. One of the best parts of that was the discovery that Landon had reading glasses. He looked so sexy in them as he focused on my words under the lamplight.
By the end, my letter turned into the length of a book. It was way too long to be a letter and was essentially the story of my life and the story of how she came to be. I wanted her to know everything because she deserved that.
There were lots of words crossed out and others scribbled in the corners. Because I’d changed so many things around, I decided to type up the finished product. Landon told me to print out two full copies when it was ready and give them to him along with some pictures from my childhood and teen years. I didn’t have too many, but I gave him all of the ones in my possession.
He neatly bound the papers into a pink book he’d purchased at an arts and crafts store and incorporated color Xerox copies of the photos into sections that corresponded with the timeline. He’d turned it into an actual mini-novel and made an identical copy of the book for me so that I would always have it as a keepsake. Writing it had actually been quite therapeutic.
Toward the end, I explained the mystery surrounding the envelopes of money that she would find addressed to her. I laughed when I noticed Landon had stuck in a current photo of my father. Papa was holding a cantaloupe, and it looked like he was yelling at Landon for taking his picture. It must have been taken recently. Landon captioned it God.