“What?”
It was like a dive out the door of a small airplane, something Molly had never had the slightest desire to do. The hum of the engine was receding, she was falling and her parachute was not opening.
* * *
CAIT DID NOT REACT WELL initially. On the positive side, she didn’t come out with guns blazing. She went with the wounded, shocked, staggering-for-cover persona. Molly toughed it out. She hadn’t really expected her daughter to fall into her arms with a “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mommy.” And be fair, she told herself, the idea wasn’t the everyday thing moms suggested. Especially since it rapidly became clear that Cait thought Mom was too old to raise a baby. Apparently she fell solidly in the grandmother camp.
“I’m only thirty-five,” Molly pointed out, with what she thought was commendable evenness of temper. “These days, lots of women aren’t starting their families until they’re my age. If I were to remarry and hadn’t had a hysterectomy, I might well consider having a baby.”
Cait was flabbergasted at that. “You mean…you and Richard?”
“It’s not an option,” Molly reminded her. “I can’t have a baby.” And, damn it, saying the words still hurt.
“Oh, my God.” Darling Cait had already said that three or four times. Molly thought maybe she was actually praying. It was pretty insulting, when you got right down to it.
But Cait did listen, and asked some good questions, and puckered her brow and brooded when Molly in turn asked how she’d feel about having the baby stay part of the family but not be hers.
“You mean I couldn’t take her if, like, I got married when I’m twenty-one and wanted her.”
For some reason they were talking about this baby as though it was a girl. Instinct or convenience? There was something to be said about languages that offered a gender-neutral pronoun.
“That’s what I mean,” Molly said. “I think if we do this, we should make it an official adoption. You and Trevor relinquish parental rights, I adopt. Otherwise, for me to do even simple things like approving medical care or filling out permission forms would be a challenge.”
“Wow.” She’d said that several times, too.
“I don’t expect you to give me an answer tonight.” But, oh, I wish you would. “It’s not like we don’t have plenty of time. I did want you to start thinking.”
Caitlyn lasered her with a challenging stare, blue eyes to gray. “What if I say no?”
Molly rubbed herself over the breastbone, trying to quell panic and pain. Heartburn. The real kind.
“Then I would have to accept it. I’d be disappointed—” to say the least “—but I’d also understand. I know this would be…strange for you.”
“You mean, weird.”
“Possibly.” She let out a breath. “Of course it would be. For all of us. At first.”
“Everyone would know.”
“Everyone already knows.” One thing she couldn’t do was let Cait delude herself. “Just because the baby disappears doesn’t mean your classmates will forget.”
Cait ducked her head. “I thought… I mean, I guess I was thinking…” she mumbled after a minute.
“That when you showed up at school next September, slim and baby-free, you could pretend the whole thing never happened?” That sounded cruel, it occurred to Molly belatedly.
Am I being cruel? Was she in essence insuring that Cait would be haunted forevermore by her one mistake? Should I instead be looking for that new job, trying to give her a fresh start her junior year?
Cait did do the wounded look exceedingly well. Big eyes, tremulous lower lip. “That’s harsh.”
“I’m sorry,” Molly said on a rush of contrition. “It was.”
“But maybe kind of true.”
She held her breath.
And that was when Cait said it. “Probably my answer is yes, but… Can I think about it?”
“Of course you can.” Molly’s smile felt a little tremulous, too. “No matter what…”
“You love me.” Caitlyn tumbled around the table and into her mommy’s arms. “Yeah, I know.”
And yes, the swelling of love was so profound, Molly knew she would survive if ultimately the answer was no. Because Cait was her baby. Her first, and, Molly had always believed, her only.
But now…maybe not her only.
* * *
“WHAT?” BLOWN AWAY, Trevor stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk. A cold wind cut through his sweatshirt, but he ignored the discomfort.
He was walking Cait to dance, something he hardly ever got to do anymore since he had practice right after school most days. For some reason Coach had canceled today, though, so he’d hurried to catch her. He was spending a lot of time with her, even though they were more like friends right now than boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes he thought he wanted her to be his girlfriend again, but then he’d have second thoughts because…well, she hadn’t liked sex, at least with him, and he was the one who’d screwed up so badly and she was having to pay the price. And then there was the fact that their parents had a thing going, and if Dad and Ms. Callahan got married… Wow. He and Cait would be like brother and sister. And how weird would that be?