I hated myself. I hated who I let myself become. I could barely look at myself in the mirror the last few days.
I put on a maxi dress and wedges, applied my makeup perfectly, with my curly wavy hair flowing. I packed an overnight bag with Chance and walked through my parking garage to my car.
I rolled down all the windows and placed my aviator Channel sunglasses on my face while I smiled in my rearview mirror. I drove all the way to Tampa with BPM satellite radio station blaring out my vehicle. I didn’t want to hear my thoughts; if I did I wouldn’t be able to do what I needed to accomplish.
I got to the neighborhood I grew up in at 2:30 p.m., and it looked as if I had never left. It took me over nine years to return to my childhood home and it was still the piece of shit house I remembered.
As I got out of my car I caught the stares of everyone looking at me. This was definitely not the place to be driving a luxury vehicle, that’s for sure. My clothing screamed wealth and even my dog didn’t want to take a shit in the grass. I tied Chance to a post in the yard and placed a rawhide in front of him. I could still keep him in my vision to where I was going.
Walking up to my home seemed so surreal. All the memories and flashbacks of enduring all the shitty things that had ever happened to me came tumbling back. I made it to the front porch with the planks creaking beneath my feet. I took a deep breath and knocked, I waited a few minutes before knocking again.
I’m not sure why I was so nervous. Well, I kind of knew. I’d walked out on my mother when I was sixteen. Why was that haunting me? She walked out on me more times than I could count. She never cared about me. Not one day of my life did I have the nurturing from her that a mother should want to give to her child.
Reaching for the doorknob, it turned in my hand. I cautiously pushed it open. I could smell the stench before I was even inside. Instantly a wave of cigarettes, cheap liquor, and some ungodly smell that I couldn’t even begin to describe.
“Hello.” I called into the empty room, taking baby steps as I entered.
“Is anybody here?” I yelled.
I took in the scenery, looking around at the God awful mess. It looked far worse than what I had remembered. There was filth everywhere; rotten food, cigarette butts, piles of garbage, and buzzing flies roamed the area. Dirty clothing was scattered throughout the room. I noticed a rolled up blanket in the corner with something yellowish green and crusty dried to the fuzz. That explained the unfamiliar smell. I stepped on paraphernalia, and what looked like a used needle, causing a crunch under the toe of my wedge sandal. I had never been so disgusted in all my life.
Walking over to my old room, I pushed on the door with the back of my hand, not wanting to touch it or anything else in this filth. Piles and piles of junk were everywhere. I couldn’t even see the mattress, it was like my mother had become a hoarder of garbage. I resisted the urge to find a trash bag and start pitching the lewdness. Walking past the bathroom was by far the worst of it all, the yellow and black ring around the toilet, the nauseating smells coming from the shower, and more garbage.
I was terrified to learn what I would find when I made it to my mother’s room. I envisioned her passed out cold across her bed. Pushing it with the back of my hand the same way I had to my own room, I found it empty. It was much of the same, maybe a little cleaner, still a dump, just less trash.
I couldn’t fathom how my mother was even living here. I wouldn’t even let my dog come in there. It made me sick and sad all at the same time. My mother was scum, although she didn’t deserve this.
I couldn’t take the smell anymore and I made my way to the living room when I heard the front door opening.
“Who the fuck?” I heard my mother say, before looking to see me. Her head cocked to the side, trying to take in the recognition of who I was.
She looked old and strung out, not the beautiful woman I remembered. The skin on her face looked pasty and eaten up. Her yellow bloodshot eyes stared back at me, until recognition dawned on her and she smiled, to which I saw yellow and missing teeth in her mouth.
“Well, look what the fucking cat dragged in.” She said in a raspy voice I didn’t recognize.
“Hi, Mom.” I replied.
She laughed. “Mom…? Now there’s something I don’t hear everyday.” She pulled her cigarettes from her brown paper bag and cheap ass Banker’s Club vodka, chugging a quarter of it. She swiped the excess with the back of her hand and stared at me intently while she lit her cigarette.
“I can’t imagine you’re here to ask for money?” She spewed.
“No. I just…I just want some answers, I guess.” I wasn’t sure where this cowardly weak voice was coming from. It was like I was once again the little girl with the sad eyes looking up to my screaming mother.
“And how the fuck can I help you with that?”
I nervously chuckled. “You’d think that you’d be happy to see me or something.”
“Are you fucking with me? I’ve barely even noticed you were fucking gone. It saved me time and money not having you around.”
Crossing my arms I hugged myself, uneasily. Jesus…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She really didn’t give two shits about me, not that I was expecting much, just maybe a little more than this.
“What? Am I being too insensitive? Do you need a tissue?” She asked in a condescending tone, blowing smoke straight up into the already polluted air.
“Listen, I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
“You bothered me the day you were born.” She scuffed.
“What does Princess Ysabelle want, a fairy tale? Do you want me to tell you how
much I loved you? How much I wanted you? Well you came to the wrong fucking place for that. The truth is I had you for one God damn reason, because I needed money. That’s it Barbie, so don’t flatter yourself. You were nothing but a fucking mistake.
Welfare gives you an extra $500 for little fucks like you. Didn’t ever think you were going to be that much of a pain in the ass though. Fuck, if I would have known, I sure as fuck wouldn’t have ever gotten knocked up.”
I was stunned, shocked, dazed and maybe a little traumatized. I just stood there and took it all in, not believing what I was hearing. I had to remind myself she was the miserable one. She couldn’t help who or what she’d become. She was just following the vicious cycle, that everyone she’d had ever known did. I felt sorry for her.
“The only good thing you ever did for me was spread your legs like the little whore I knew you’d be. I made a $1,000 that night. I thought I was going to have to hold you down my damn self, but you didn’t make a fucking peep, I knew you’d enjoy it.” She
laughed. “Like mother like daughter, eh Baby?”
I wanted to say the mean things back that she was saying to me. I didn’t. She was right to a certain point. I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. I learned to do it with some class. She didn’t. I was no better than her. I sold myself just like she did. She was paid with drugs, I was paid with luxuries. Did that make me better?
“I’m sorry things turned out like this for you, though things weren’t exactly picture perfect for me either,” I reminded her.
“Oh come on, you play the victim card so fucking well. Did you rehearse that? Look at you.” She said, waving her cigarette up and down my attire with her lips snarled in disgust at me, “dressed in your expensive clothes and nice car, it seems like you turned out alright. You should be fucking thanking me for giving you life, you ungrateful little fuck. You’re fucking lucky I didn’t leave you in the trash the first time you wouldn’t fucking sleep through the night. It took everything I had not to put a pillow over your face.”
“What the fuck? I’m your fucking child!” I yelled, willing the tears to stay put. I didn’t think there was anything she could say to hurt me. I was wrong. This was my mother, this lady brought me into this world and chose not to take care of me. And now, well, she chose to make me feel guilty for her having me.
>
She stomped the five steps to me, closing the space between us. “Fuck you! Who
the hell do you think you are, coming in here judging me for my choices? I gave you life. You think you’re better than me…you’re nothing just trailer trash dressed in nice clothes, you fuck.
What have you been doing all these years, Ysabelle? How are you driving around in that fancy fucking car out there? That dog out there a fucking pedigree? You wearing these fancy duds because you sell your pussy? Is that what you do Ysabelle?” She screamed in my face, leaving me no choice but to smell the smoke and cheap ass vodka on her breath.
I took a deep breath, trying to regain my composure. “And to think I came here, hoping to get a little closure from you, to get something, anything, not this Mom. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I just wanted to see you, make sure you were okay, and I don’t know, maybe see if there was anything you needed. Not this. I never dreamed of this.”
“I didn’t fucking want you,” she screamed again. My words had no effect on her whatsoever. It was a hopeless cause.
“You were nothing, a pain in my ass and it looks like things haven’t fucking changed. Don’t try to act like a saint with me. I know what you did with those boys. Spreading your legs for anyone that would give you any fucking attention. I saw you. I watched you right out there in that alley. You let that boy put his hands in your pants. You were such a needy little girl.” She blamed.
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Do you have any fucking clue why I did any of those things! I did it because I fucking had to. You never gave a shit about me; I had to fend for myself you selfish bitch.” I screamed trying to catch my breath, “Who’s my father?” I questioned, needing to revert the conversation.
She snorted. “Fuck, if I know. I don’t know who you belong to. Why the fuck would I care? Men are as disposable as you fucking are. Ugh…get the fuck out of my house, you’re killing my buzz.” She demanded, walking back to her bedroom.
“You know, for the longest time I thought it was me.” I confessed, causing her to stop dead in her tracks, turn around and gawk at me with the same look of disgust that she had since she walked through that door.
“I thought it was my fault, why you didn’t love me. I thought I deserved the way you treated me. I spent the first twelve years of my life, trying to be a good girl for you, hoping if I was good, you’d love me. You want to hear the really fucked up part, Mom?” I asked sitting on the edge of the filthy sofa. I had to sit down, I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions.
“I still loved you. I loved you even though I never had shit to eat. I loved you when I had blisters all over my feet because you didn’t buy me shoes. I loved you when I went to school smelling like this filth. I loved you when I laid on that disease infested mattress that you would use as if it was fucking yours. I loved you when I would get on that bus every morning and listen to the kids make fun of me for wearing the same shirt for a week at a time.” I blew out a puff of air and took in a deep breath, trying to continue. I looked up to see her face. She looked like a sad, weak, desolate human being.
“Do you remember any of that? I loved you when I laid in that room, crying because I was afraid all the men were hurting you as I listened to you moan. Did you ever care? Did you ever care that your three, four, five year old little girl was laying in there crying because she was scared for you? I even fucking loved you after you let a man come into my room and rape me.”
I stood, knowing that I’d said enough, anymore and I wasn’t going to be able to control my tears, begging to be released. I reached into my purse, pulled out a wad of cash and dropped it on the coffee table with the rest of the trash. I walked to the door, and I turned around one last time.
“You’re nothing, but a fucking bottom feeder. You’re a waste of a human being. You will die in this shithole by yourself with your drugs and booze. The county will come and cremate your fucking body and they will call me to come get you, and I will tell them to throw you in the dumpster where you fucking belong.” I violently spoke.
“Get a good look at me Mom because this will be the last time you will ever see my face again.” I affirmed before I turned and walked out of my mother’s life.
I walked out that door vowing to myself that I would never come close to that woman as long as I lived. I smiled at the little boys, playing with Chance as I wiped the uncontrollable falling tears.
No sooner was I in my car with the door shut did I heave. I cried for a life no child should ever have to endure.
I wanted Sebastian. God, I needed Sebastian.
Chapter 27
I walked around my condo in a haze of emotional exhaustion for the next few
days. Grey Goose and I had become BFF’s. I knew what I had to do; I was just trying to gear up the nerve to actually do it. I appreciated all that Madam had done for me. I really don't know where I would have been without her. This wasn't about her. It was about me.
If I was ever going to feel any worth whatsoever, I had to do it. It was frightening and I wasn't sure where to go. Hell, I wasn't even sure who the hell Ysabelle even was without men. Finally when I woke on Wednesday morning, I jumped out of bed, walked Chance, dressed, and went straight to my car.
I drove to Madam’s and took a deep breath before making my way to her office where I knew she would be. It was interesting to think that this was the room that it all started and now I was here to end it; I had come full circle.
Madam greeted me like she always had.
“We need to talk.” I cautioned as she kissed my cheek.
“And, what about, Darling?”
I moved to sit on the couch. It was the very same one where I had shared my first experience with a woman. She followed me placing her hands in her lap.
“I can’t do this anymore.” I spoke.
“Do what Bella Rosa?”
“I can’t be a VIP.” I quickly stated before I lost the nerve.
She nodded, “And why is that? For the married man?”
“No, for me. That’s over. I appreciate everything that you have ever done for me. I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know when it happened but I’ve changed. I don’t need or want the same things that I used to. I hope you can understand that.”
“And what is it exactly that you’re going to do now?” She sarcastically questioned.
“I’m not quite sure, I’m going to travel for a while. It’s amazing that I’ve been almost everywhere around the world and I never really took it in. I’d like to do that now.” I explained.
“Alright. So you will do a little sabbatical and once you’re done, you’ll come back.
“I don’t think so. Better yet, I know I won’t.”
“Ysabelle, I’ve been doing this a very long time. You’ll come back, you’ll get bored, you’ll need excitement, and you’ll be back. Women like us are made like that, it doesn’t just stop because you want it to, it’s in our blood.” She stated.
“I want more, Madam, I want it all.”
She chuckled, “you want the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the husband. Jesus Christ Ysabelle, have you learned nothing these last few years? I mean how many married men have you been with? Have you ever seen a happy marriage?”
“What happened to you? What happened to make you this way?”
“Oh…now were sharing sob stories? Nothing has happened to me, I’m a fucking realist. This is the real world Ysabelle, I showed it you.”
I put my hand on my chest, “Oh my God, you knew?” I affirmed. “You knew what Slavic was going to do. You set me up.”
She rolled her eyes and moved back to her desk.
“Why?” I demanded.
“You’re nothing but a fucking child, you’ve learned nothing.”
“Were you trying to punish me?”
“I’ve told you since day one not to fuck with me or my business. You think I wanted it to come to this. You were my favorite and you repay me with letting all of it go for l
ove. Well Ysabelle, how’d that work out for you? Was it worth it?”
I hesitated a moment taking in her hurtful words. “Yes, it was. I learned the meaning of my self-worth. I’m better than this Madam, I know that now.”
“You’ll be back, they always come back.”
“I’m not doing this out of spite Madam, I can’t sell myself anymore. I’m thankful for everything that you did for me, because I would be nowhere without you. You gave me what I needed but I’m done with it. It’s time for me to try something else. Please understand that?”
She deeply sighed. “You will always have a family here, Bella Rosa. I will help you in any way that I can.” Even though she was saying the words I knew she truly didn’t mean them, at least not yet. I would give her time to accept my decision.
I smiled, “thank you.”
I hugged and kissed her goodbye. I walked out of that house and knew that it was going to be for the last time.
*Y*
It didn’t take me long to get all my belongings in order and truthfully I wasn’t taking much with me. I filled three suitcases full of things that I needed. I left behind the gowns, the $3,000 shoes, the purses, and the endless amounts of diamonds and jewelry I had acquired over the years. I didn’t want any of it.
I packed light of what I thought would work for my new lifestyle. I was done being the made up version of myself, I wanted to be normal, and I wanted to fit in. I didn’t need the glitz and the glamour anymore. If I was being honest, I never felt like it was really me.
I had no idea who I was and I was hoping that I would find out. Eventually, I hoped I could look in the mirror again and not feel shame, guilt, or remorse. I didn’t know if I even knew what happiness meant. I was sure as hell going to try to find it now.