“Oli, I don’t lie to you. I’ve never lied to you. I have never been with Julia the way we’ve been together, and you know I love you. I understand that you’re hurt and upset. Please tell me where you are. I will have someone come get you. You’re not driving are you?”
“Nope, not driving, just swimming. Remember our swims in our waterhole, Sebby, remember our first kiss there? We were such kids. That was the dumbest thing I've ever done, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want me? What the fuck is wrong with me, Sebastian? Tell me why the fuck I can't get over you? Why is it so much easier for you?” She wept.
“Oli…Baby, it’s not easy for me. None of this is easy for me. Please, tell me where you are. I’m going crazy over here. Are you at our waterhole?” I paced my room. I was wide-awake and scared shitless. I didn’t feel good about this. Something in my gut told me this was not good.
“You threw me away. You always throw me away. I am disposable to you. You know! You know that I will always be there. You keep me in the corner and when you’re ready to play with me you do. You fucking use me. You’ve always fucking used me!”
“Oh my God, Baby…you know that’s not fucking true. Why are you doing this? Why are you saying this?”
“Because, Sebastian it’s the fucking truth. I finally realize it now. You don’t love me and you never did. Nothing will be as precious to you, as your Babygirl. I always come in second place. Guess what Sebastian, I won’t do it anymore. You can’t do this to me anymore. I won’t let you.”
“Olivia, that’s enough. You’re drunk, and you need to tell me where you are. We will finish this discussion when you’re sober.”
“Oh…fuck you, Sebastian. Now you’re telling me when we can and can’t talk. That’s fucking rich. You know what…fucking forget it. Forget you.” I heard a click.
“Olivia! Oli…shit…” I paced my room for the next hour trying to decide what to do. Do I call her parents? Do I contact Julia?
I didn’t want her to get in trouble.
She would be fine.
She would wake up the next morning, call me, and everything would be fine.
I took two Tylenol p.m.’s and went to sleep, reassuring myself that everything would be alright.
*S*
I once read that a person dies every 1.8 seconds. This translates to 105 people per minute, 6,319 per hour and 151,650 people per day. Totaling approximately 55,503,922 every year. You never once think that these numbers would ever affect you directly. You live everyday learning about other peoples’ pain.
You read it in the paper, you watch on the news, or you listen to it on the radio. It surrounds you if you really think about it. Not one time in those moments do you ever think about how close to home it could ever become. Until one day, you wake up just like you do everyday, you’re sitting eating breakfast with the paper in your hand and you get a phone call that will change your life, forever.
Everything progressed in slow motion, seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours.
I heard the familiar ringtone and smiled, walking over to Julia’s smiling face lit up on the screen of my cellphone. I hit accept and said, hello. I’m not sure what I felt at that moment; fear maybe, panic, confusion? Something was wrong. I couldn’t understand a word Julia was saying. Actually, I don’t think she was saying words at all. It was mostly hysterical crying and heaving in breaths. I tried to tell her to calm down and that I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.
“Take a deep breath, try to breathe, Babygirl. In and out. That’s it, in and out,” I repeated over and over, trying to calm her enough to tell me what the hell was going on. My heart was beating at an alarming rate.
You know how it feels when something just scared the shit out of you, and you feel all jittery inside? That’s how this felt, and I didn’t even know what was going on yet. My adrenaline was racing, my body felt stiff, and my hands were shaking. I knew something bad had happened. I suddenly felt like heaving, and fought back the urges to do so. Two little words…that was all that it took for my life to completely change…Two fucking words…
“Olivia’s gone....”
My coffee mug dropped to the floor, I heard it shatter, and saw all the pieces of glass scatter across the tile. My vision was suddenly blurry…was I crying? I heard Julia talking, the only words that registered were…
“Olivia…Drowned…Dead.”
What, I had just spoken to her last night? Was that my mom? What was she saying? Where did Julia go?
“Honey, are you okay? Do you need me to come, get you, and bring you home?...Sebastian, answer me honey…are you okay? I could hear her. She seemed so far away.
“No…I’m okay. I’ll be there soon.”
My hand fell and I hit the end button on my phone, instantly a picture of Julia, Olivia, and I was on the screen. I stared at it while my mind was stuck on one phrase.
“Olivia’s gone...”
It was an endless phrase that repeated itself over and over in my head, a cycle that I couldn’t stop…over and over.
“Olivia’s gone…”
My arm shot up and my phone was flung across the room. I watched as it flew through the air, stopping by the contact of the wall, and once again. I witnessed the pieces shatter and then scatter across the tiled floor.
“Olivia’s gone…”
My legs moved backwards.
“Olivia’s gone…”
The wall behind me stopped my movement.
“Olivia’s gone…”
I could feel my body recoiling.
“Olivia’s gone….”
I slid down the wall.
“Olivia’s gone…”
Was I sitting down?
I sat there and let go. I wept, sobbed uncontrollably, and sucked in air that wasn’t there. How could this be happening? I needed to talk to, Oli. I wanted Oli. Oh God! Why? I’m not sure how long I sat there and wailed. I presumed it was quite a while. I had finally shed the last of the tears that were left in me and stared off into nowhere.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel and I was numb. I sat there until it was dark. I could see shadows and then, nothing, darkness. I sat there until my body couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I had died too.
The days that followed were filled with people coming in and out of Julia’s home, with questions I had no idea how to answer, endless amounts of condolences, and preparations for a day that I just wanted to be over.
The hours seemed to blend together; I had no idea what day it even was. I continued to be in a fog, a daze, and stupefied beyond belief. I hadn’t allowed myself to stop moving. I was afraid to. If I stopped moving, I would crash. I couldn’t acknowledge anything, not the house that she grew up in, not the memories everywhere I turned, not the smells that reminded me of her, and not the sounds that she would make. I moved in auto-pilot, trying to avoid flashbacks. I just needed to get through these last days. My only concern was Julia. Had it not been for her, I would have gotten the hell out of there as fast as I could.
“Do you want some coffee or tea, Sebby?” Julia asked, I couldn’t help but notice that she looked exactly how I felt.
“Just some water will be fine. Have you been sleeping, Babygirl?” She opened the fridge and brought me a bottle of water.
“Have you been sleeping?” She retorted, as I followed her to the couch.
“This all feels so surreal. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids. You’ve barely been speaking, Sebby.” She turned and dropped her legs over mine; I moved my hand up and touched her hair.
“How can this be happening? I don’t understand.” I could hear the sorrow in her voice. “What are we going to do? I don’t understand. The toxicology report said that she was drinking, her alcohol level showed 0.19. Why would Oli go swimming when she was drunk, and when did Oli even drink? This is all so confusing.”
She broke down and cried. I moved to hold her in my arms. I couldn’t cry. If I started, I wouldn
’t be able to stop. I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I loved her and would always be there for her. I would have done anything to take her pain from her.
I wanted to tell her that I knew. That I had spoken to her mere hours before her body was found, that she had called me. That we had been lying to her for years behind her back. That if it were our choice, we would be together now, she would still be with us, I wouldn’t have lost her. I couldn’t bare the thought, now here we were, and Olivia was the one that was gone. She died hating me. I felt responsible. It was my fault. I should have called someone or done something. I didn’t…I let her die.
Over the years I just hurt her, until she finally had enough.
This whole situation was fucked up. I had saved one of my best friends, and lost the other. It was all my fault, I had done this. I should have told her that. I should have confessed.
I didn’t. She would hate me and I couldn’t lose both of them…I wouldn’t survive it.
I would give anything to bring Olivia back.
I didn’t say that, I didn’t say anything.
I held her until she couldn’t cry anymore, until I heard her breathing even out and knew that she had finally cried herself to sleep, but sleep never came for me. I knew my subconscious was trying to protect me from what I had known was true. Olivia was gone.
This was it. This was the last day that I would ever see, my Oli. I tightened my tie through the mirror, studying my face, searching for something, anything. There was nothing. I was so empty, yet the pain was unbearable.
“You look very handsome,” Julia smiled, approaching me. I turned toward her and she straightened my tie. Her hand rested on my chest as she smiled up at me.
“You doing okay?” I asked, for at least the hundredth time.
I shouldn’t have asked. She heaved in a wailing breath and the tears were once again running down her face. I pulled her to me and held her close to me.
“I can’t do it, Sebby,” she sobbed.
“Shhh, I’m going to be right there with you,” I tried. I would be right there with her. I just hoped like hell I was able to hold myself up while holding her up. “Go clean those raccoon eyes and I will change my shirt,” I beckoned.
She laughed a short laugh. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, smearing the makeup even more into my not so clean shirt.
“It’s okay, Babygirl. Let’s go say goodbye, to our Oli,” I shouldn’t have said that either. It was all I could do not to throw myself on the floor, curl into a fetal position and lose it myself.
I tried. I really did, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself walk to the front of that morbid room to see her. I didn’t want to remember her lying lifeless in a coffin. I couldn’t fucking handle that. I wanted to be there for Julia. I couldn’t. She said her goodbyes securely held up by her parents, one on each side. That was better…right? She should be with her family.
I felt the lonely tear slide down my cheek as I watched the silver coffin being lowered beneath the ground. I let my mind contemplate what was happening.
I let mind and body go to a dark place within myself.
Where there was no Olivia.
Or hope.
And no happily ever after.
The one lonely tear was soon followed by more and more, until I was breathless.
I saw the pitiful stares from our parents, as Julia embraced me and cried with me. That was our goodbye. We held each other up and cried our farewells to a girl that was no longer with us. She would never be with us again. At that moment, I consciously stopped my mind from going where it had been. If I didn’t stop asking what, why, and how, I would lose my mind. That wouldn’t do Julia, our families, or myself one bit of good. As hard as it was, I had to let go.
*Y*
After getting poked, prodded, and pulled in more ways than one, I was standing in the elevator on my way up to the eleventh floor, condo 1112. My Madam’s condo, I mean my condo. This was going to take some getting used to. The building was a high rise in downtown Miami. I was on one of the top floors. I wondered if the other girls lived there as well, or if she had us spread out. The elevator dinged, bringing my attention back. I stepped into the hallway moving in the direction of my new home. It was then that I realized I didn’t have a key. I thought about knocking, that didn’t make sense. Before giving it anymore thought, I quickly opened the door. Directly stepping into an open floor plan of a living room, kitchen, and dining room, what really caught my attention was the wrap around frameless glass view from ceiling to floor.
I brought my hands up to my mouth. “Holy shit!” I had a view of the whole intercostal Atlantic Ocean.
“I’m glad it impresses you, Bella Rosa.” Jerking my head around, I saw Madam who seemed to come out of thin air. She looked as glamorous as always wearing a white suit. I thought about how many of those suits she owned. I bet one in every color.
“Wow! I don’t even know what to say. This is unreal, I’ve never been in anything like this before.” She smiled and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug I mean she pulled me into a real hug. I easily hugged her back. It seemed so natural, like I’d been hugging this woman for years. She stepped away and kissed me right on the tip of my nose.
“Well, get used to it my precious girl.” She grabbed my hand and spun me around.
“I mean look at you. You are radiating. I love the caramel highlights it brings out your eyes. I’m glad we left the length. It doesn’t matter what anybody says, long hair will always be in. Plus, it gives your clients something to pull.” She added, winking at me.
“The makeup is flawless, not too much- just enough and the mani and pedi look marvelous.” Raising an eyebrow at me, she asked “How was the wax?”
“Painful.” She laughed and smiled.
“It will get easier. Now come.” Holding my hand, she walked me into a room that had the same view.
“Is this my bedroom?” Looking around at the room there was a black leather headboard with white bedding and all sorts of throw pillows. Two glass looking end tables, a glass armoire in one corner, a full length mirror on the other, and an accented chair and rug topped it all off with a crystal chandelier, bringing subtle lighting.
“Yes, I picked the colors just for you. You remind me of a pretty, pretty princess, and every princess deservers color. This is not what I wanted to show you.” We continued walking through the biggest bathroom I had ever seen. Marble floors and showers, Greek columns supporting detailed archways, elegant detailed gold fixtures, glass sink bowls, and a gigantic roman soaker tub that could fit four people. We stopped at two solid mahogany doors.
“Now this…this is what dreams are made of.” She opened both doors and my jaw dropped. Endless rows of clothes, shoes, and purses. All of it color coated by style and design, the middle had two islands that held panties, bras, lingerie, bikinis, and jewelry. I had stepped in Couture heaven, everything was name brand; it was a fortune. “Darling, close your jaw it’s not ladylike.” Handing me a simple black dress, I couldn’t help that I noticed the label said Valentino.
“Put this on. I can assume that you like what you see.” She said.
“This is all for me?” I ask.
“Of course, who else would it be for, Bella Rosa.”
“All of this…the condo, the furniture, the clothing. I mean…it’s so much. How can you… I mean where… I don’t und-“. She put her finger up to my lips.
“I’m very good at what I do, and by that I mean you. My girls provide a comfortable environment for you as well as I. I treat you like you treat me. We both carry mutual respect and admiration for each other. We’re partners, Ysabelle, through and through. I will always take care of you. Please, start trusting in that.” I nodded.
“Now. Please, change into that and pick out whatever heels you’d like. I suggest some color. I will be waiting in the living room. Would you like a glass of wine
?”
“Yes, please.” Before changing into the dress, I grabbed a new black lacy see-through bra and panty set. I slipped into the dress and chose red stiletto heels. I also added some light silver jewelry from Tiffany’s. I left my hair in the waves, fluffed it out some and reapplied a bit of makeup. I stared at myself in the mirror; I didn’t look that much different. Except I felt different, I felt beautiful and taken care of. For the first time in my life, I felt safe.
On my way out, I snatched a matching black Valentino clutch. Madam was on the phone when I walked in. She handed me my glass of wine, and smiled while giving me a thumbs up with her eyes, scanning my body.
“Yes, of course Gabriel. I have my best girls coming tonight. Mmm hmm, I will also be escorting one of my new jewels, Ysabelle.” I could hear the other persons muffled voice on the other end.
“She is a diamond in the rough. You know I don’t throw my girls in the deep end, when they don’t know how to swim. It’s not my style. She will remain hands off for tonight. Don’t you worry, she’ll come out to play soon. Yes, okay, ciao Bella.” She hit end and dropped her phone in her clutch. She finished her wine and refilled another.
“You are picture-perfect, Bella Rosa.” She reached in her bag.
“Now, I don’t condone too much drug usage. I have seen too many girls go downhill at alarming rates, because they couldn’t stop. Recreational use is okay. I trust that you know the difference, yes?” She asked.
“I have done drugs, they aren’t really my thing.” I replied.
“Yes, they aren’t really my thing either, though under the circumstances, I think this might help.” She opened a silver jeweled container the lid had a nozzle that she brought up to her left nostril and then her right.
“Have you ever done cocaine?” She asked.
“Yes, I’ve tried it a few times.”