"Is that a promise?" I asked, not bothering to hide the smile that crossed my face. I started to pull my t-shirt over my head, then stopped, teasing him. "Now I'm not sure I want to take them off."
I watched as Hammer stripped off his clothes and stood there naked in front of me, his cock erect. I felt a thrill rush through my body, looking at him, followed by the familiar twinge of fear I couldn't quite shake.
"What's wrong?" Hammer crossed the room quickly, taking my hands in his, and I felt my shirt drop to my sides.
"Nothing," I said, and then, in response to his skeptical look, "I - this, whatever this is between us - I want it to be easy, but it's not. I like it. I mean, I really like it, a lot. But it's - there are so many things in my past. In my present, I mean..."
"I know I don't know everything about your past," Hammer said. "But I know about how shit from the past can affect the present. If there's one thing I learned from April's death, it's to live in the moment, because I don't know what the fuck is going to happen in the future."
Living in the moment was something I was an expert at avoiding. I had trained myself to exist by fading into memories of the past- back when I was a child, or when I still had Ben with me- or by fantasizing about the future. Anything to escape the pain of the present moments in my life, the ones that I couldn't bear to face.
Except for this. Except for him. I wanted to be here for this, to experience these moments. I wanted to drag them out, to savor them, emblazon them in my memory. I wanted to save them, so that these would be memories I could draw on later. These memories would be what kept me alive the next time Aston called for me.
The thought sent a shiver up my spine.
Hammer's voice broke through my thoughts. "If you're not comfortable, just say the word and I'll back off."
"I'm -" I started, struggling to put it into words, to figure out how to tell him I was intermittently uncomfortable, triggered by little things- a smell, a look, the memory of something. "I'm comfortable right now."
"Are you comfortable if I do this?" Hammer asked, kissing me just below my ear.
"Mmm, yeah," I said. "That's not too bad."
"Not too bad, huh?" he asked. "What about if I slip this off?" Without waiting for me to respond, he pulled my t-shirt over my head.
"That's okay."
"And what about this?" He unhooked my bra, and I drew in my breath as my nipples hardened in the air conditioned hotel room. "Is this comfortable?"
Hammer trailed his finger down the front of my chest and over the tops of my breasts. I ached for his mouth on me, just like before, but he seemed intent on tormenting me. I reached for his cock, erect and begging for my attention, but he pushed my hand away. "Huh-huh," he said. "I asked you a question. Comfortable?"
"Yes," I said softly as he traced light circles around my areola and then my nipple. My panties began to dampen in response to his touch, and I was suddenly acutely aware of the empty aching between my legs. My body remembered him and what he had done to me last time.
"And now?" He left a trail of kisses down my chest to my cleavage, then flicked his tongue lightly over the end of my nipple, teasing me more. I arched my back, willing him to take my breast in his mouth, to suck me like he'd done before. But he didn't. Instead, he smiled, and unbuttoned my pants, kneeling at my feet as he stripped them from my legs and tossed them on the floor with the other clothes.
He ran his hands up my thighs, his thumbs pressed against my inner thighs as he tormented me further.
"I'm comfortable, Hammer," I said. "It's all comfortable. I want you."
"That's good to hear," he said. "But I want you to be more than just comfortable." He kissed one of my inner thighs, and it took everything I had not to push my pussy into his face, I wanted him so badly.
But he didn't kneel between my legs and lick me like he did last time. Instead, he slipped off my panties and tossed them to the side with the pants, then rose to his feet, chuckling when I let out a disappointed groan. "I know," he said. "You're comfortable, right?"
I nodded, biting my bottom lip. Comfortable was no longer the right word. Overwrought was a better one. I wanted to feel him inside me, to have him ride me until I couldn't think about anything else except him. "Hammer," I said, wrapping my hand around the base of his shaft. This time, he didn't stop me. Instead, I listened to his breath grow more shallow as I began to stroke him, my hand moving up and down his length in measured rhythm.
"Yes," he said.
"All the stuff that's happened," I said. "I want you to take it away. I know you can't, but I want to pretend. I want you to make me think about what's happening right now. In the moment. I want to forget everything else, even if it's only for a moment."
Hammer groaned, and I wasn't sure if it was because of what I said or what I was doing with my hand. I knew it wasn't a long-term solution to anything, but I wanted him to take me away, to obliterate everything around me, all the shit I had to worry about, so that the only thing I could think about was him and I. Right now.
"Is that really what you want?" he asked.
"It's really what I want," I said, my heart racing. I wanted complete annihilation.
"Fuck," he said, his voice raspy. He turned to grab a condom, and rolled it onto his length, then paused. "You want me to be gentle, go easy with you?"
My heart raced, and before I could second-guess myself, I said, "No."
"I want to hear you say it," he said.
He wanted to hear me say it? I suddenly felt bold. I'd say it, all right. "I don't want gentle. I don't want to be coddled or handled with kid gloves."
"Oh, hell," he said, his voice a growl. Before I could react, he stepped toward me and slipped his hands under my ass, lifting me up off the ground like I was nothing. "You want this," he said, more of a statement of fact than a question, and I felt the tip of his cock against my entrance.
I didn't have time to respond before he slid me onto his length, impaling me with his cock. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, more than acutely aware of the fact that I was so wet, that there was no pain. Just the opposite. It was like he had flipped a switch in my body, turned on my body's ability to respond with pleasure instead of only pain and horror. Every nerve ending was on fire, burning with desire for him.
It was the same act, his entering me, yet it was as different from the other men as it could possibly be.
"Comfortable?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. I didn't move on him, just let him hold me there, satisfied with the way he filled me. Satisfied was something foreign to me when it came to sex.
"Are you going to just hold me like this forever?"
"I can if you want me to," he said, grinning.
"I like it," I whispered.
Hands still under my ass, he leaned forward and kissed me. Devoured me was more like it. His mouth connected with mine, and any ability I'd had to keep my thoughts clear was immediately and entirely destroyed. He didn't move me, but his cock twitched inside me, sending an immediate, visceral response through my body. I moaned, even while his mouth covered mine.
And heard him make a noise under his breath, this primitive sound that made my heart race faster and my entire body cry out for his touch. I wanted him all over me, all at once. Every part of me craved him.
I’d never known lust before Hammer.
Now, he was teaching me what it meant to want someone this way, so badly, with every fiber of my being.
I wanted more. I had never dared to want anything. But suddenly, I wanted everything.
“Do you want more?” he asked, and I wondered if he could read my thoughts. But he looked at me, his eyes clouded with lust, and carried me on his cock, pushing me up against the wall of the hotel room, sending another jolt of arousal rippling through my body.
“Yes.” I gasped the words as he rammed me with his cock. I couldn’t think. Pleasure clouded my brain, making it impossible to think about anything else except what Hammer was doing.
His movements grew faster, and waves of pleasure washed over me, growing more and more intense as he brought me higher and higher. I clutched at his back, dug my fingernails into him, each of his thrusts bringing me closer to the edge.
"Fuck, Meia," he said, his voice close to my ear. His lips were on the side of my neck, my jawline. "You feel so fucking good."
I moaned, lost in his touch. Lost in my own pleasure. I had never known sex could feel the way this felt. I'd never known someone could turn me inside out, the way Hammer seemed to be able to do to me with his touch.
"Tell me," he whispered. "Tell me how it feels."
I could barely speak. "It feels..." I groaned as his thrusts grew shorter, deeper, more focused on pushing me over the edge. I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence, drunk on my lust for him. "It feels...amazing."
He thrust inside me again, this time harder than the last, sending another ripple of pleasure from my core to the tips of my fingers and my toes. "How about now?"
"Yes," I said. "Like that. Harder."
"Shit, Meia," Hammer groaned, slamming into my harder again, faster. My back pressed up against the wall hard, and I arched into him, willing him deeper inside me.
"Yes, yes," I moaned. "More." It was all I could think, all I wanted.
More of him.
All of him.
"Fuck, Meia," he said. "I'm going to come." Hearing him say it pushed me over the edge, and I heard myself scream as I arched hard against him. He thrust into me in quick succession, once, twice, three times, and I felt myself fall over the edge. I was lost in sensation, and nothing else mattered.
Nothing except Hammer.
I was still, my arms entwined around his neck, my legs wrapped around his waist. I stayed that way, with my head on his shoulder, for a long time. The only thing I was aware of was the sound of our breathing, of Hammer's chest rising and falling, of my heart beating in time with his. In that moment, he was my whole world. Nothing else mattered. We were the only two people in the universe.
Later, we lay on the bed silently. Even though my body was relaxed, my mind was already preoccupied, beginning to churn again with thoughts, barely quieted by the afterglow of orgasm. Hammer stroked my hair, his touch gentle, and something about the tenderness of his touch sent a rush of guilt through me.
I had no business getting him involved in this.
It was selfish, the way I'd begun to see him, the way I'd allowed this to continue when it shouldn't.
I couldn't let this go on. Not after the way he'd been hurt when April died.
It wasn't fair to him.
I hadn't expected to care so much.
"Killing the men who murdered your wife," I said. "Did it help?" I traced my finger around the muscles on his chest, feeling something stir within my core as I touched him. I willed the feeling to go away. I needed to tell him that this was the end.
"With what?" he asked, his lids half closed.
"The darkness."
He stroked my hair. "Maybe," he said, exhaling heavily. "I think it might have made it worse. I think it might have awakened something in me. Or maybe it was always there."
"I've been thinking about Aston for a long time. Since I was a child. Since my sister hung herself."
"If you think I'm going to tell you that killing him is a bad idea, you're mistaken," he said.
"No," I said, pulling myself up to look at him, my breasts pressed against his chest. "I want to kill him. It's the only thing that's kept me going, since I was young. I didn’t care if I died getting revenge. Then Ben was born and he became my reason for living.”
"And now?"
"I'm not sure I'll get out of this alive," I said. "I used to hold out hope. But now...I'm not sure Ben or I is making it out of this."
He started to speak, but I pulled myself up higher on his chest, touched my finger to his lips, silencing him. "Don't," I said. "I don't want to hurt you. It's not good for you...this, whatever this thing is between us. It should stop, before it goes further. Before either of us becomes too attached."
I rolled her over, flipping her onto her back on the bed, her hair splayed out behind her on the crisp white bedspread. My hands were on her wrists, pinning her arms above her head. Her eyes widened, and I saw her breath catch in her throat as my hardness pressed between her legs. I didn't move, not trusting myself to keep from just plunging into her.
Everything was mixed up, lust and anger running through me. "If you think I'm going to fucking cut and run at this point, you are sorely mistaken."
"I don't think I'm good for you -"
I cut her off, kissing her hard on the mouth, my hands still pinning hers. And felt her body respond to me, squirming underneath me. One nudge and I would be inside her. "Feel that?" I asked. "You don't think you're good for me?"
"Hammer, that's not what I..." Her voice drifted off as I paused, unmoving, the tip of my head against her entrance.
"What?" I asked. "You don't want this? All it takes is one word, and I'm gone. Say it."
She was silent, then her mouth opened, forming a little "O". I waited for her to say the word. If she did, I'd be released, back to my prior life. The life that didn't involve obsessively watching a woman who was enslaved to another man. The life that didn't involve searching for a child who might be murdered at any moment. The life that didn't involve this broken girl, the one who pulled at my heart, who gave me hope that I could do something to help her, that my desolate life had some larger purpose.
"Say it," I ordered, anger pulsing through me. "If you want me gone, fucking say it. Tell me to leave, and I'm gone."
I watched her internal struggle, and thought she was going to tell me to leave, to forbid me from seeing her again. It could be for the best, I thought. I wouldn't be dragged into something that had the potential for destruction like this had.
"Hammer," she said. She licked her lips, pressed them together. And I knew she wanted me. One hand still on her wrists, I reached for a condom.
"You want me gone?" I asked, finally letting go of her arms, kneeling as I unwrapped a condom. She didn't move, kept her arms where they'd been, as if still held there by some invisible force. Her eyes followed the movement of my hands as I rolled the condom along my length.
"No," she whispered.
"I can't hear you," I said, returning to where I'd been before, pressing the tip of my cock against her entrance, one hand on her wrists. "No, what?"
"No," she said. "I don't want you to leave." She arched her back, and her nipples brushed against my skin.
"What do you want?" I asked. I entered her, just barely, the head of my dick just inside her. I felt her squeeze her muscles, tightening herself around me and sending a jolt of arousal through my body.
"I want you inside me," she said.
That was all it took. I entered her swiftly, feeling her arch underneath me, bringing her body to meet mine. It should have been slow languid lovemaking. I should have been careful with her, gentle, tender, aware of the fact that she'd been through more shit than any woman should ever have to endure. But it wasn't. I pinned her hands above her, entwined my fingers with hers and fucked her, my movements hard.
"Oh, God," she moaned, bringing her head up to mine, seeking my lips. I kissed her, feeling her body respond even more strongly, the warmth inside her increasing as I moved. "Yes, yes."
It wasn't tender, and it wasn't romantic. But it was all I had. I looked into her eyes, as she rose higher, carried away by the rhythm of my movements. I watched her mouth part, her lips opening slightly as her breath came faster and faster.
"Oh, Hammer," she cried, the tips of her fingers kneading into the back of my hands. I could feel myself beginning to lose control, caught up in the overwhelming power of my own desire. This girl was getting to me.
Looking into her eyes, hearing her call my name, it was enough to push me over the edge. I felt the white – hot heat of my climax surge through me, taking me by surprise. "Fuck, Meia," I s
aid. "Come with me."
She writhed under me, pressing her body hard against mine, and I heard her cry out my name as she whimpered, before she screamed. "Oh God!"
"Oh, fuck," I said, thrusting inside her one final time, before everything was eclipsed by my orgasm. I felt her muscles clench down around me, and she screamed as I thrust myself deeply inside her.