Twirling my fingers into the sheet, I allowed some of my shame and guilt to show. “Did you know Tess was sold to Q…before they were married?” I didn’t wait for Elder to answer—it was purely a rhetorical question, leading into my attempt at misdirection and trickery. “Her past is fascinating, and having another woman who knows what it’s like to be captured and sold…” I looked up beneath brown bangs. “I’m not ready to go yet. I have things I need to ask her.”
He froze, searching my face. “What things?”
I inhaled, doing my best to think on my feet. Luckily, I didn’t have to lie on this point. “Like talking through the parts of what happened to me with another woman.”
“Why can’t you talk about it with me?” His forehead furrowed, hurt glistening in his eyes.
Grabbing his hand again, I smiled. “I can, and I have. You know more about me than you probably should, and I wish I could stop bringing him up. Especially because what he did to me has no control or place in our future.”
“Then…let’s go home.” His hand turned in mine, twisting to capture my wrist, his fingers searching for my pulse as if reaffirming to himself I was alive, he was alive, therefore we should be anywhere but here.
“We will. Just…one more day.” I threw everything I could into my implore. “The moment I’m away from Tess, who knows if I’ll ever find someone who has such similar trials in her past. You rescued my body and soul, El, and I’m almost whole thanks to you, but I think she might be the final piece I need to fix my mind.”
He slouched into the pillows, half of his face in shadow with disagreement and the other in dawn with understanding. The two battled for domination, one choice meaning he gave me what I wanted at the expense of what he preferred, and the other making me leave after I’d explicitly asked—for the first time in my life—for his agreement. A simple request to stay another night so we both might heal a little more.
Before we’re at the mercy of the Chinmoku again.
Endless seconds ticked past while he bit his bottom lip, deliberating. The harsh lines around his eyes spoke of unwillingness to give in, but his silence hinted that he didn’t want to bark commands or order me to obey.
Finally, his face melted into glowing affection, ripping the air right from my lungs with how beautiful he was. “You are your own person, Pim. If you want to stay, then I won’t stop you. If anything, it will be my honour to stand beside you.” With gravel and caramel, he added gently, “In fact, you’ve just given me something I didn’t think would happen for a very long time…if at all.”
Cupping my cheek, he brought me closer until his lips brushed mine. “After two years of distrusting, you’re finally learning that not all humans are evil. In a way, I’m jealous. I’ll no longer have your undivided attention; I won’t be the only one you want to be close to—”
“It’s not about that. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I—”
“I know, and you didn’t. You didn’t let me finish.” Smiling, he kissed me bittersweet. “What I was about to say was, I’m so damn proud of you. Of how strong you are. How fearless. I think I just fell even more in love with you, and I honestly thought I’d fallen all the way. I love you, Pim. So fucking much.”
I gasped.
My heart scurried, hating itself for lying when Elder just gave me something so unbearably precious. His praise wasn’t justified even if I did want to talk to Tess. His honour and pride misplaced even if I did see humans as individuals now rather than as one mass of devil-incarnate.
If I had the choice of returning to the Phantom with him with no injuries and never see Tess again, I would leap at the chance. But his circumstances meant I got a chance to seek female companionship, and after that initial craving in Monte Carlo—thanks to the fresh-faced, sweetheart Simone—I wanted to know what it felt like to tell a girl secrets and have them get it.
I was selfish.
Really, I should find the courage to discuss the awful, awful things my body had endured with Elder.
But does he truly want to know?
In his eyes, I’d been a broken, weak little thing, but now I was strong and unbruised.
If I told him what remained festering in my heart, I might tarnish his pride and turn it into something that could push him away from me. It could stop him from sleeping with me or prevent him from believing I could handle his desires.
No. I can’t risk ruining what we have.
I didn’t know the answers to what I should and shouldn’t do. I didn’t know how to reconcile lying when really my lie was wrapped up with truth.