EIGHT
Mia fidgeted as she sat in the waiting room of Dr. Farber's office. For the third time since they had decided to pursue IVF, she had two weeks previously gone to the office, taken off her clothes, and undergone the minor surgery of having fertilized eggs inserted in her uterus. She and Rami had agreed that after the way she had fallen to pieces after the previous negative result, they would ask the doctor give her a more sensitive test in the office, where they would be able to discuss the next steps, no matter what the result.
Mia wouldn't admit it to Rami, but she was beginning to think that the hormones she was taking to manipulate her menstrual cycle were making her lose her mind. She couldn't stand the guilt as month after month passed without yielding a single positive result. While she was overjoyed that neither she nor her mother was in debt anymore, Mia couldn't help but think that she was wasting Rami's time and money; that he would be better off finding someone who would be able to become pregnant in a matter of weeks.
"Why haven't you just tried to find a wife? Isn't it possible for you to have like, an arranged marriage or something?" Mia had asked during one of their lunches a few weeks prior.
"That is so incredibly offensive," Rami had replied, his voice a deadpan. They both laughed. "I mean, yeah-arranged marriages are a thing, especially for members of the monarchy?"
"Wait-wait-what?"
Rami shrugged off the disclosure of being a member of a royal family. "I am so far away from the crown it's not even worth mentioning," he had told her. "But it is part of the reason my family's so rich."
"So are you like, a Shah or something?"
"I am a prince, thank you very much. Prince Rami al-Hassan: rich and utterly useless member of the royal family of the Principality of Al-Andalus."
"You do realize that if you'd just told me I was having a royal baby, you could totally have cut my payments down to like, half of what you're giving me," Mia had joked. Rami rolled his eyes.
"Seriously? You seem way too sensible to go for the whole starry-eyed 'Oh my God he's royalty' thing."
"Oh I totally am," Mia had agreed. "But it would make a hell of a story later on. I could tell everyone I had a royal baby and not tell them which royal family it was for."
"And they would never believe you!"
"They wouldn't have to, it would be true," Mia shrugged. "Besides, if I'm walking around with a million bucks from it, how can they deny it? Where else would I have gotten a million bucks?"
"The lottery?"
"Stop poking holes in my story!" Mia had thrown a rosemary napkin ring at Rami, laughing as it landed right in the open neck of his button-down shirt.
Mia started as she heard the clinking, tinkling noise of the door opening. Looking up, she saw Rami come into the waiting room of Dr. Farber's office. He spotted her and sat down right next to her without even sparing a glance for anyone else. "Do you only ever wear your nice clothes when you know you're going to see me?" Rami asked. Mia blushed.
"Well you bought them for me," she said. "I figured you'd enjoy seeing me in them."
"You don't wear them otherwise?"
"They're expensive," she pointed out, shrugging. "If I wore them all the time, I'd wear them out." Rami laughed.
"You could always buy yourself some more, you know," he said. "You told me you're up to date on all the bills for you and your mom; I can't imagine what you're doing with the rest of your money."
"Well I'm putting some of it into savings," Mia said. "I buy food, for me and Mom. And I bought a new couch the other day!"
"How exciting, a new couch," Rami chuckled.
"It is exciting," Mia told him, pouting slightly. "It's the first brand-new piece of furniture I've ever bought. And I picked it out myself, without having to pick from whatever the secondhand store happened to have in."
"Okay, okay," Rami said, holding up his hands in an admission of defeat. "In that case, I am very proud of you for doing what most women in their right mind would have done within three months of making a hundred thousand dollars a month."
Mia rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm never telling you anything again," she said, pretending to be much more offended than she actually was. "Belittling my accomplishments. As soon as they get the baby out of me and you give me my delivery bonus, I am never speaking to you again, Rami al-Hassan."
"Ms. Campbell?" came a voice from the doorway. Mia jumped and glanced at Rami; it was the moment of truth. She steadied herself and stood, reaching out and taking the hand that Rami automatically offered her. They walked through the door into the office proper in silence, and Mia could feel her heart pounding in her chest as every step brought them closer to the exam room and Dr. Farber's office.
Mia could feel her hands and feet tingling, her arms and legs flashing hot and cold as the blood rushed through her body. Rami gave her hand a sympathetic squeeze as they approached the dark, hardwood door of Dr. Farber's office. "It's going to be okay, Mia," he murmured as they came to a stop and the medical assistant knocked on the door.
"Come on in," Dr. Farber called, her voice muffled by the door. The MA opened the door and Rami gestured for Mia to enter first. Mia took a deep breath and walked to the chairs on the other side of the doctor's desk and sat down, feeling as if her knees might give out if she had to walk any further. Rami sat down in the other chair and the assistant closed the door behind them quietly.
"I have been holding it for twenty minutes," Mia said, squeezing her thighs together. "Is there anything we need to talk about before we get this show on the road?" Dr. Farber laughed.
"Just that if the test shows you aren't pregnant, that is not the end of the world," she said. The older woman extended a parcel towards Mia. "It's basically like the regular old home pregnancy test. Pee in the cup, dip the applicator, put the cap back on, and wait." Mia nodded and snatched up the packet, standing quickly. She turned and walked out of the room without looking back, hoping to make it to the bathroom before her knees gave out underneath her. After three failed attempts at artificial insemination, and two failed cycles of in-vitro fertilization, Mia was beginning to feel truly desperate-and truly guilty. Rami's comments about how little she spent the money he paid her had touched close to the bone.
Mia extracted the plastic cup from the parcel Dr. Farber had given her and locked the bathroom door. She was by now so experienced at taking pregnancy tests that she could confidently get through the process without spilling anything anywhere. And yet, she found herself feeling awkward as she went through the usual steps, glancing around the little bathroom at the generic, unthreatening botanical prints on the walls. Once she had collected enough urine, Mia put the cup aside and flushed the toilet.
In truth, Mia hadn't been spending the money as wildly as she could have because some part of her thought that if she couldn't conceive, she'd want to give as much of the money as possible back to Rami. She knew she would only feel more and more terrible if she kept failing, and if she quit altogether, she would at least be able to have the pride of saying that she had given him some kind of refund.
After cleaning up, Mia brought the applicator with her out of the bathroom and hurried back to the doctor's private office. "It's been a minute," Mia said as she stepped through the door, closing it firmly behind her.
"Then we've got four more," Dr. Farber said.
"Oh God, the hardest four minutes of my life," Mia said, setting the capped test applicator down on the tray that the doctor had provided before sinking down into her chair. Rami reached out and gave her hand a squeeze, and Mia tried to take comfort from the gesture.
"Don't hold your breath, Mia, you'll pass out," Dr. Farber said, smiling encouragingly. Mia mirrored the woman's smile weakly, glancing around the little office.
Rami and Dr. Farber managed to maintain their small talk while the minutes passed, but Mia couldn't force herself to participate. She was too wrapped up in what the test would reveal. Three times now she'd gone into the sterile room adj
acent to Dr. Farber's office. Three times she had waited while the catheter containing the embryos was prepared. Three times she had lain on the table and gone through the discomfort of the catheter being inserted while the embryos were implanted inside of her. If none of the embryos had taken this time, Mia didn't know if she could keep doing this; whether or not Rami was okay with continuing to pay.
The doctor's alarm beeped, and Mia couldn't even bring herself to look at the test. Dr. Farber picked it up, looked at the result and set the test down. "What does it say?" Rami asked.
"Unfortunately, it's a clear negative," Dr. Farber said gently. Mia's head fell forward and she didn't even try and stop herself. Tears gathered in her eyes and she let them fall, dropping down to stain her skirt. "Mia," Dr. Farber said quietly.
"I'm sorry," Mia said, pulling her head back up and sniffing. Dr. Farber extended a box of Kleenex towards her; Mia snatched two tissues out and wiped her face, blowing her nose.
"I think it might be time for you to take a little break, Mia," the doctor said, keeping her voice level and calm.
"But-but I don't want to just give up," Mia told Dr. Farber and Rami, more tears flowing from her eyes in spite of her desire to keep them in.
"We're not giving up," Rami said, reaching out and gently patting her shoulder. "It's just a break. These cycles have been tough on you." Mia blew her nose again, snatching up another tissue to mop at her face.
"I don't want you to think you've wasted all this money."
"It's not a waste," Rami told her firmly. "We're doing practice runs. What have I told you about investments?"
"But what if?what if I can't conceive at all?"
Dr. Farber cleared her throat. "I think a break is in order, for a month or two at least. Once your system is clear of all the hormones and you've had a chance to rest up, we can look at some ways to optimize your IVF," Dr. Farber said. "Even if you're perfectly healthy, even if you could normally conceive just fine naturally, it can be very difficult to make IVF happen." Mia swallowed the lump she could feel in her throat and nodded.
"Of course I'll keep paying you-this break is part of the process," Rami said. Mia shook her head quickly.
"No-no, if I'm taking a break, I can live off of what you've already given me. I'd feel terrible taking your money while I wasn't really doing anything."
"Well, let's compromise, then. At least let me pay you for the month," Rami said. Mia sighed.
"I know you're going to insist and I'm so tired I can't argue," she said. "I just feel so terrible, like I've wasted everyone's time."
"Not at all, Mia, you've put in so much effort, and I really am grateful," Rami said, giving Mia a little smile.