29
Jamie
The cerulean glassshards make tinkling, chinking sounds as I sweep them with a hand broom into the dustpan. My knees hurt from kneeling on the hard wood planks, but what does it matter? I want to get this glass cleaned up and the sooner it happens, the better.
After Gavin left, the party quickly turned to something more like a funeral potluck. It took all afternoon and most of the evening to convince Gran and Diedre that I was okay. Fine. Just dandy. Not hurting at all. That I’d expected it to happen.
Honestly, in the end I don’t think either of them bought it, but there wasn’t any point in them staying once I had to put the kids to bed. Seeing the look on the kids’ faces nearly brought me to my knees.
“You’re going to fix this, right, Mom? He’ll be back, won’t he?”Tanner asked.
I had to explain that sometimes when things broke, there wasn’t any fixing.
“Like shattered glass?”Shay asked.
“Just like that,” I’d said.
“Like when someone dies?”she asked.
“That’s right,” I’d said.
That was something they all understood. They stared at the ceiling for a long time before I turned out the lights, but when I did, Elijah said, “I know you said it’s not right to give just desserts, but I’m not sorry we did. If we hadn’t, we never would’ve had him.”
Unfortunately, we never really had him anyway.
I kissed them all on their heads, tucked them in, and went to sleep in my lonely bed. When Scooter jumped up, I didn’t push him off.
After the kids went to school, I decided even if I couldn’t clean up the mess I’d made with Gavin, I could at least clean up the mess in his cabin. After all, I still had the door code, and my sculpture was still shattered on his floor.
His cabin is still as stupidly big and opulent as before. The tall, vaulted ceilings and the modern furniture make it cold and impersonal, and looking around, I don’t think he actually liked this cabin. It’s nothing like him. I can’t picture him in a place like this. No, he’d want something cozier, with a quilt on a plush couch, a rug in front of the fireplace, toys on the floor, a project on the table, and cast iron pots in the kitchen. Instead of lemon cleaner and varnish, it should smell like whatever’s cooking at the moment, oatmeal or chicken or peach pie, and the windows should be open, with the sound of the wind through the trees, and the kids laughing in the yard.
I shake my head and scrape more glass shards into the dustpan. That’s my vision of Gavin, that’s not who he is. No. The real Gavin has a twin brother, which was a shock, who looks like he hasn’t laughed a day in his life. He drives cars that cost more than I’ll make in ten years working three jobs. He has expensive homes. And…beyond that, to be honest, I don’t know anything about his life from before. I only know how he was with me. But that wasn’t reality. He has a whole past to influence his likes and dislikes, and I don’t know anything about it.
I dump another load of glass into my plastic bucket, the shards clinking against the edges.
Then, the electronic door lock on the front beeps. I look up, on my knees, the hand broom in my hand. Gavin steps inside and closes the door behind him with a sharp snick.
My heart stutters, I let go of the broom and it clatters against the floor.
He looks different.
He looks like the Gavin I first met. He’s in expensive jeans, a cornflower blue sweater that molds to his chest and brings out the color of his eyes. He’s clean shaven and his hair’s been cut and is swept back from his forehead. When he sees me on the floor his lips twist wryly and he lifts an eyebrow.
I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect him to look at me as if…well, as if we were strangers.
It feels as if a shard of glass is digging into my heart.
And I know, this is what I deserve. It’s everything I deserve.
He looks me over, his eyebrow still lifted. I flush, my cheeks heating. I’m in an old pair of overalls, my hair is up in a frizzy ponytail, and I know, considering I didn’t sleep last night, my eyes have deep purple bags under them.
I imagine he’s wondering how it was that he ever thought he loved me.
“Just like our first time.” His mouth lifts into a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
I shake my head. “What?”
He gestures at me. “You on your knees, cleaning my cabin.”