Since Jacolby skippedher way back into my world I exercised my cheek muscles more than I did playing tea party with my nieces. Daily I lived in three different states of moods. One, joy with shots of happiness. Do you know what it feels like to live in a constant state of sadness and anger for over three years?
That shit was rough.
There were plenty of days I wished I drunk myself off a cliff. Since she brought her rays of sunshine into that office, I forgot the tartness of what depression tasted like.
Pangs of anger haven’t made my chest sore. My knuckles weren’t stiff from being squeezed into fists. Two days ago my license was reinstated. After work Kameron and I arrived at his house to see an all-black BMW X6 parked in his driveway with a red bow. All of my brothers, Kandon included, celebrated my milestone of getting my license and approaching a year of sobriety by gifting me a brand-new car. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for them.
Anger was my second mood. Me and frowning work hand in hand, but I’ve decreased the lines on my forehead since I let the reality of what transpired settle into my mind. On one hand, I was angry with my mother and on the other hand, I was angry with myself because at the end of the day I made the decision. Every single day an old memory pops into my head reminding me of the lengths my mother went through to make sure I ended things with Jacolby and to make sure I didn’t backtrack.
I hadn’t sought out Heather.
Never took a second glance her way when she started working at Monarch. My mother shoved her into my path and instead of planting seeds of doubt as she did with Jacolby, she encouraged me to pursue the woman. Made me think that what I shared with my Sassy was only a chapter of college blues and Heather was indeed my future because she embodied what it meant to be a Reid woman.
Funny how all her rules about office fraternization went out the window.
Pure frustration and angst.
The third mood is rather a feeling of acceptance. Before Jacolby skipped her vibrant smile back into my life I was learning how to deal with the cards dealt in my life. I started to learn that I had to accept the cards dealt to me and move on. Learned to accept the things I couldn’t change. I wanted to explore the what-if and possible with my Sassy Baby. God had given us a second chance and I wanted to take full advantage of that blessing.
Lord knows I wanted to skip all the rebuilding of our foundation until it was firm and jump straight to chaining her to my bed so I could slide in her haven. My baby was lethal back in college so I can only imagine the danger that now sat between her thighs. We couldn’t be friends because I’ve already had her as my friend and lover.
I wanted her completely.
I wanted everything.
“Can’t say that I’m surprised to see you, son. Jacolby used my business as her coloring book, and you’ve come to see me on your own accord. Guess I should feel special that seeing her reminded you that you have a mother.” My mother’s snark words greeted me before I had a chance to fully step into her kitchen.
After thanking my brothers for their generous gift, the first place I went to was to the craft store to pick up several notepads, stencils, and pencils. It’s been years since I had the desire to draw. My passion for architecture slowly died after Jacolby and I broke up and completely diminished once Heather died. Both deaths nailed the nail in the coffin of my dreams.
That’s until recently when a certain sunflower bloomed her beauty back into my world, igniting a passion to try once again. Not just try to enjoy the life given to me but try again with what I loved to do.
However, that dream couldn’t fully be pursued until I rid myself of all the nagging questions and anger that burned my chest. It was time for my mother and me to have a truthful conversation.
“Good to see you too, mom.” Taking a seat at her island I waited until she finished stirring her pot of chili. “Why haven’t you questioned the shift between us? You come by and hover over me at Kameron’s house, yet you won’t ask why I don’t utter more than a few words to you.” It was guilt. I knew it was. She didn’t have to tell me.
I saw it every time she looked at me. Saw it when conversations about my years in college came up. Saw it when someone asked her how I was doing.
Taking her precious time, she poured a glass of wine. Cut up several strawberries and added them to her Chardonnay. Grabbed a few pieces of chocolate from her candy dish and finally made her way next to me. Legs crossed over the other. Hair flipped over her shoulder and an exaggerated exhale let me know that she was bored with this conversation before it even started.
A piece of damn work.
“I don’t have to question what I already know.” Lifting her glass to her lips she swirled the liquid around before taking a generous sip. “I hover because as your mother I’m concerned with your wellbeing, contrary to what you may think. Secondly, I hover because I’m waiting for you to complete the mourning of your wife and not mourning that pathetic…situation you involved yourself in while in college.”
In rare form and making it known this wasn’t her first glass for the evening. A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts. That’s exactly what happened when my mother had too much to drink. At least I knew I’d get nothing but honesty from her tonight.
Grinding my molars, I faced forward unable to look at her. Pathetic situation.
“Did you come over to blame me for you not having the true love of your life?” Her condescending tone almost made me forget that I was talking to my mother. “At the end of the day, you’re a grown man, Paxton. I didn’t force you to do anything.”
True, she didn’t force me, but she knew how to get in my head and manipulate me into doing what she wanted me to do.
“I take full responsibility. I’d never give you the satisfaction to disrespect me more than you already have by taking fake ownership of your involvement.” Our eyes locked and behind that unamused frown, I saw the fear and guilt. “My problem is how you used my loyalty and love for this family to get what you wanted not caring at all how it would hurt me, or the others involved. All you cared about was your company. Making sure your perfect sons ran it the way you wanted it to run. Making sure that I didn’t mess up your perfect family image when it came to the caliber of woman I married. As long as you got what you wanted nothing else mattered.”
Selfish and unpractical.
Halfway done with her glass she was ready to give me her push of false words, but I wasn’t done. “You made me believe that I couldn’t have the wife and career without one suffering. Even used your marriage as an example to drill your point across because you knew how much I loved Jacolby. It took a long time for me to see it. Took a lot of rummaging through the pain and sorrow I felt to realize I’m not you or dad. I don’t want to be like you.”
Wiping a lone tear, her mouth opened and closed three times before she gave up.