For Neera, it must be exactly what she’d said it was. Just a kiss at midnight on New Year’s, like a lot of people shared. It was a token. It didn’t mean more than that. It obviously hadn’t kept her up at night for multiple nights. It hadn’t made her knees feel like they were going to collapse. The memory of that kiss hadn’t made her break out in a cold sweat and gasp for air because there was so much pressure on her chest and so many sensations swirling through her body that she couldn’t catch her breath.
Scarlet had to do something, and that something was to keep herself busy. She threw herself into work and when that wasn’t enough, she decided to put herself out there in a way she hadn’t ever before.
In a world of technology, she downloaded a few dating apps and made herself profiles, and actively tried to meet someone. It was hard and strange, and it even felt a little bit wrong, but then she met Sarah, an age appropriate single mother with a young son who had been divorced a few years ago and was just starting to date again.
They chatted on the app. Scarlet found herself intrigued. She liked Sarah. She seemed genuine and nice, and they had something in common in that they’d gotten married and had gone through all of that, then when they were divorced, they were ready to admit to themselves that their marriages wouldn’t have worked for more than one reason.
Sarah’s coming out story was a lot like Scarlet’s, even though Scarlet hadn’t fully got there yet. She knew, but she hadn’t told everyone who mattered yet. Sarah was encouraging. She was kind. She was incredibly patient. Her stories about her son were hilarious and supportive and it was clear she was a loving mother.
After a few days, Scarlet was comfortable enough with Sarah that when she asked her if she wanted to get a more informal style dinner together, she’d agreed.
She agreed because Sarah checked all the boxes. She was the right age. She was kind. She was ready to start her life with someone. Scarlet found her attractive. She found Scarlet attractive. They chatted so easily online. Why not meet in person?
“Scarlet? Are you okay?”
Scarlet whirled around, dropping the stapler she realized that she’d been trying to insert a row of staples in for the past twenty minutes. The boutique was experiencing its usual January, after Christmas lull, and she’d been lost in her thoughts for a long time, standing up at the front counter, probably looking like a zombie.
She bent and quickly picked up the stapler, rammed the row of staples home, and snapped it shut so quickly that an errant staple shot out the front right at Neera. That quirk in her brow only deepened as she dodged the flying projectile.
“Umm, yeah.” Scarlet set the stapler down quickly before she could do any more damage. “Sorry. I was just thinking about— yeah. Stuff.”
“Stuff? Work stuff? Or Bryan stuff? Because I swear if he’s still bothering you, I’ll come with you to your lawyer, and we’ll get him sorted out and—”
“I have a date tonight, actually.” Neera’s mouth literally dropped open. She was so shocked that Scarlet didn’t know if she should be offended or not. She laughed it off instead. “Yes, even me. It’s with a woman I met on an app. She seems very nice.” Why can’t I say that and mean it? Sarah is nice. She truly is.
“Oh. That’s— that’s great.” Neera stammered. She smiled, but it wasn’t her usual bright smile. It was more the kind of smile of someone who has just stepped in something questionable. Something that looked like mud but might be worse.
Scarlet angled towards the computer, slid the keyboard out towards her, and brought up the order she’d been working on earlier, just so she could have some sort of distraction, so she didn’t have to look at Neera. Scarlet was sure her face would give her away. “You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“Oh…” Neera sounded like she was gargling on rocks. “I don’t know. It’s not really any of my business.”
“Do you think I’m crazy for wanting to be with someone after Bryan? I know that he was a man and that my new partner would be a woman, but people are fundamentally people whether they’re men or women.”
“I don’t know,” Neera said again. “I don’t think that you can judge anyone based on Bryan. He was a toad. Not the kind you kiss that turns into a prince either. Actually, I like toads and frogs. He wasn’t a toad. He was more of a trash bag. Yesterday’s coffee grounds. Smelly rotten apple cores. A wart in a place where there shouldn’t be warts.”
Scarlet bit down on her bottom lip before she burst out laughing. “A wart in a place where there shouldn’t be warts,” she whispered. She clicked fast on the order, but even concentrating on something else, she could still feel her lips tremble beneath her top teeth with a suppressed giggle.
“If you think she’s nice then she’s probably great.”
“I don’t know. Look at my track record.”
“You might have made a mistake once when you were a lot younger. Also, people change. The man you married might not have been the one you divorced. I want to think that just because I got cheated on doesn’t mean that I’ll pick someone who would cheat on me again next time. I want to think that I can learn from my experiences going forward.”
I statements. I statements were a good thing. It turned the attention back off of someone and onto someone else. Instead of feeling like she was the poor deer about to be plowed over,
Scarlet now felt something entirely different. She thought about Neera dating someone, finding someone who made her happy, falling in love one day, getting married, even having children, if she wanted them. It made her legs suddenly feel watery. She couldn’t deny there was a bitter taste at the back of her tongue.
What she also couldn’t deny? That she had any right to those feelings at all. Feelings of wistfulness and longing and outright jealousy that were so hot they scorched everything they touched.
“I hope that I can do that,” Scarlet said in the smallest voice. “She seems nice. She has a son, actually.”
“Oh really? That’s great. I didn’t believe what Bryan said for a minute. You love kids.”
“Maybe I always was too busy with the boutique. Maybe I made it seem that way. Maybe—”
“Maybe you’re not responsible for another person being a jerk and an asshole and wanting to punish you because he thinks he’s entitled t
o do that, like making you feel small will make his dick any bigger.”