How unfair was that? You’d think that if one did something that one had been desiring to do since one knew that one could desire, they would bloody well remember every single freaking second and minute detail of it.
Neera remembered that her head spun and felt light in a completely different way than being buzzed did. Okay, drunk. She was more than buzzed. She remembered the cramp in her stomach smoothing out and the feeling that she was, for the first time in her life, truly free. The actual physical details of the kiss? Maybe she’d been too lost in her own head. Maybe it was the alcohol that made her unable to remember properly how it felt physically. Maybe it was more than a physical thing. Maybe it was a transcendent kind of experience that was so not physical that those details got erased somehow.
Even though Neera knew she should be banging her head against the wall- not literally because nothing would be worse for a hangover headache than that— she also wanted, very much, to kiss Scarlet again.
“Oh, my God?” Elodie asked, confused. “It was no problem. Don’t worry. We wouldn’t ask you to come clean up. It’s our party. We can be responsible. Don’t feel bad. You had a lot on your plate. You deserved to let loose, just for a night. I’d rather you do it with me, safely, than at some club somewhere where I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Mom, I’m an adult. I’ve graduated from college. I’m a nurse who is responsible for other people’s lives.”
Elodie sat down on the edge of the bed. She pulled Neera in for a hug and let her rest her cheek against her shoulder. “You’re not a little girl anymore. I get that. I’m not even going to say you’re my little girl because that’s not how I see you. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become, but no matter how old you are, I’m always going to worry. Not because it’s my job, but because a mother always wants their children to be okay, living their best lives possible.”
Neera’s eyes burned. Her stomach churned as her head ached, but she also knew it was guilt there, taking root in her belly, making her feel sick. Guilt at what she’d done because it was so much more than any holiday token kiss. Because she wanted to do it again, so she could get the physical details right in her head. She wanted to do it again just because she freaking wanted to. She couldn’t tell her mom any of that and it was probably the one thing that she’d ever kept from her. A secret that felt all wrong.
“I’m fine,” she said instead in a soft, wavering voice. “I’m all good.”
“I’m glad.” Elodie rubbed her hand down Neera’s back. “I’m glad you’re home. Have I said that too many times?”
Neera pulled away and offered a shaky smile. “No. That’s okay. You can say it as many times as you want.”
Elodie glanced around the room, then located the dress that Neera had worn to the party the night before. It was crumpled in a heap on the floor. She bent and picked it up and another wave of guilt shot through Neera.
“Sorry. I would never have just thrown that on the floor-”
“I checked in on you last night to make sure you were okay. Even nurses need someone looking out for them. You were in bed, sleeping soundly on your side. You looked fine. I saw the dress and I never thought to pick it up either.”
“I was so exhausted. I don’t even remember falling asleep. Thank goodness the room didn’t spin. Ugh, I haven’t drunk that much in so long. Actually, probably never. I promised I’d be responsible when I left, and I was. It was the mixing things. Don’t mix things. That’s a bad idea.”
“That’s probably why your head hurts so much.” Elodie clicked her tongue as she picked up the dress and shook it out. Miraculously, the lovely fabric wasn’t wrinkled at all. She set it on the end of the bed. “It’s probably a dry clean only, but you can ask Scarlet tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow. Right. Work.”
Elodie grinned. “You’ll be good as new by then, I’m sure.”
Neera had no idea how she was going to face Scarlet. Did she hypothetically want to kiss her again? Yes. Yes, she did. Had she wanted to kiss her for years? Yes. She’d always held off. It was always a fantasy. Until she made it real. It was real now, and it was out there and the only excuse she had was the thin veil of a party and having had too much to drink and a tradition that some people followed through on. She’d said Happy New Year, hadn’t she? Yes, she was pretty sure she had. Even drunk, she’d had the presence of mind to cover her ass.
Pathetic. That’s pathetic. I should have told her that she was wonderful. That she was gorgeous. That that kiss would change my life. That she’d already changed my life. I should have told her…
No. No, I should not tell her any of that.
Neera decided, as she got out of bed and followed her mom to the kitchen for a glass of juice and some pills for her headache, followed by some pancakes to settle her rocky stomach, that she would just not say anything at all. If Scarlet wanted to talk about it, she would let her. If not, she would just go to the boutique and steam the shit out of racks of clothes, or whatever else she was supposed to do. She would do her job and she
would do it well and she would hope like heck that she got a call back for a nursing job soon. It was what she was meant to do. It was what she wanted to do. It would also get her out of Scarlet’s domain, out of her store, out of her presence.
Her presence meant temptation, and now that Neera had crossed a boundary that she promised herself she’d never cross, she wasn’t entirely sure that she could just go back to pretending, at least to herself, like nothing had ever happened.
Chapter 6
Scarlet
Scarlet half expected that the next few days at the boutique with Neera would be awkward, but it was like nothing had happened. Neera didn’t mention the kiss and Scarlet wasn’t going to bring it up.
She’d spent the entire holiday worrying about what she’d say to Neera about it. She wanted to apologize. She didn’t want to apologize. She wanted to explain. She wanted an explanation. She wanted to tell her what she’d felt. She knew she could never tell her what she’d felt.
She didn’t even know if what she’d felt was real because it was so taboo. Even if it was real, she couldn’t let it be real. She’d never struggled with anything so hard in her life, and that was saying a lot, considering her failed marriage to an uncaring, thoughtless, unfaithful husband.
She was also slowly coming out to friends, and she had yet to come out officially to her family. Thinking about that was even easier than thinking about talking that kiss through with Neera.
After a few days of working together, both of them going about their business, the atmosphere a little bit strained, but more because it felt like there was a buzzing between them that hadn’t been there before, Scarlet knew she had to do something about it, at least from her side.