Zahra chalked her hands. “You always say that, Stella, as I land on my ass and stare up at the sky. I already see the vultures circling.”
Automatically, everyone but Stella looked overhead. There were no vultures. Zahra’s laughter was infectious. “You’re so easy.” She looked at Vienna.
“You are so ridiculous, Zahra. Just think of this as 5.10. It’s easier if you talk less,” Stella said with a laugh.
Zahra gave Stella a haughty smirk and turned to Vienna. “You ready to spot me?”
“I got you.” Vienna had already chosen the three different places she would have to move to in order to provide the best protection for Zahra.
Zahra dusted her hands, staring up the rock face, her expression determined and focused. She was the shortest of all of them, just shy of five feet by a couple inches, which made it difficult to climb given the way many of the routes were set up. She didn’t have the wingspan taller climbers had. She was extremely flexible and could smear her feet up tiny holds that others couldn’t stand on. The other thing Zahra had going for her was she maintained good form. Her body always knew where her center of gravity was and seemed to keep it automatically.
Zahra stood on the crash pads for a moment and then she reached up, her fingers barely finding some small crimps to start with. She easily pulled herself up onto some tiny footholds. She pressed into the rock and reached up with her right hand above her shoulder to find the next crimp. The next move was a high step, but she didn’t commit and instead jumped down. “What was that? You jumped off, Zahra,” Stella said.
“I fell off.”
“You jumped.”
“She’s just warming up. You got this, Zahra,” Vienna said.
“Thanks, Vienna. Yeah, I was just warming up.” Zahra smirked at Stella with her laughing dark velvet eyes.
“I think you’re warmed up, girl. You got this, and Vienna and I will spot you.” Stella knew that Zahra was a bit afraid, although she would never admit it to the group. She preferred to keep things light and funny. “Vienna is an excellent spotter, and you know I won’t let you get hurt.”
Zahra looked at her friend with knowing eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said. Her whole posture changed and she approached the rock with determination. She pulled onto the same crimps, but this time with quick efficient movements and commitment. She made her way up the rock face easily, moving with natural grace. Zahra might not like bouldering, but her technique was solid and she made short work of the problem easily. Once she stood on top, she smirked at them both.
“Are you happy now, ladies?”
“Yeah, Zahra. Nice job! Now you have to try the V2,” Stella yelled at her, with a laugh.
Zahra rolled her eyes at her. “You have to help me get off this boulder first. Are you going to bring the crash pad around for the downclimb?”
Even Shabina was beaming, although she sobered almost immediately. “I guess that leaves me. Are you all certain you aren’t tired and want to have lunch? When Zahra comes down, we can ask her. She’s always hungry.” There was a hopeful note in her voice, but Vienna could see as she studied her expression that when she looked at the boulder, there was longing there as well.
“What is it, Shabina? I know you want to climb,” Vienna said softly, sitting down beside her, making a pretense of holding her arms out for Shabina to massage. “You know I’m not going to say anything. None of us would anyway. We all have reasons to be afraid of something. If you didn’t want to climb, we’d all understand, but it’s clear that you want to. Maybe talking it out would help.”
Shabina looked at the boulder Zahra had climbed and then around her at the other boulders. “I live in Knightly, where there is some of the best bouldering in the world. My best friends love to boulder, and I enjoy spending time with them more than I like to do anything else. So, yes, I want to learn to climb, but every time I look at a boulder, I get this really ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. It takes a while to overcome it. A lot of deep breathing and meditation.”
A shadow moved over the two of them and Vienna saw Shabina flinch and pull into herself, her head turning quickly and her hands going up into a defensive position. Vienna’s instincts were to shield her even though she knew it was Stella and Harlow coming up behind them. The women had water bottles and the trail bars Shabina had made.
“A quick pick-me-up,” Harlow said, leaning over Vienna’s shoulder to hand them the goods. “Private convo, Shabina, or can any of us join? No hard feelings either way.”
Shabina hesitated and then shrugged. “It’s all right. It’s silly really, always fighting bad memories. Stella has bad memories, and she functions fine every day. She runs a beautiful resort and a fishing camp. I’m sure all of you have bad memories,” she added as Zahra flung herself on the crash pad beside Vienna.
Zahra glanced at Harlow but didn’t say anything, only nodded. Raine joined them, sitting with her back against the rock, facing them. Vienna knew in Raine’s job working for the government, the people around her were often vetted. Raine knew more about them than they probably knew about themselves, but she was very good at keeping confidences. That knowledge often set her apart, and Vienna sometimes felt bad for her. Often, Raine could look lonely.
“It doesn’t matter what bad memories any of us have,” Vienna said. “Anything can trigger someone. You can’t compare like that, Shabina. None of us can. I don’t think I’d ever had a panic attack, but squishing myself in a hole in the closet with those two men after me definitely gave me one. I remembered all kinds of things from my childhood.”
Stella reached out and rubbed Shabina’s arm. “I had so many panic attacks it’s a wonder Sam wanted anything to do with me. I had them right in front of him. I’d wake up fighting, not able to breathe. It was so awful. He’s so calm all the time and I was just one giant mess.”
Shabina gave them one of her sweet smiles. “I love living where I do. It’s so peaceful. My café makes me happy. I love to cook, and most of my customers are so sweet. There’s only one or two I can’t seem to win over with food. I’ve worked hard to find balance in my life and be on my own. I go out in the forest and bird-watch. I hike the trails. Mountain bike. There’s so much I can do, but then we do this . . .” She trailed off and looked at the boulder as if it were the very devil. “It gets to me every time.”
“Babe,” Vienna said softly. “You don’t have to climb. No one expects you to do anything upsetting to you. We love your company, but if just being around boulders is uncomfortable, we can skip it. You should have told us.”
“No. That’s the point, Vienna. I want to get over it. I had to work hard to learn to be out on my own. To be in a house alone even with the dogs. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to keep getting stronger. I don’t want to be afraid to take risks. Things others do and don’t even think twice about doing scare me. I’m always telling myself, just take baby steps.”
Shabina always seemed so completely self-possessed. She owned and ran the café by herself. She hiked the forest, bird-watching alone. That was no small feat. The trails she went on were often game trails and one could easily get turned around, but she had confidence in her ability to make her way home. It was true, she always took her dogs with her, but Vienna didn’t think much about that. Most of the time, the others did as well.
“I had a very bad experience when I was fifteen. As you know, my father owns a company that is called on when oil well fires need to be put out. Mom and I always traveled with him. I was kidnapped and held for ransom.” She spoke very matter-of-factly, but she twisted her fingers together in her lap tightly. “My father paid and the ransom was delivered, but they didn’t release me. To make a long story short, I was moved around a lot and they weren’t nice people. I began to think I was never going to get away from them. Finally, I took matters into my own hands and escaped. Unfortunately, they caught up with me when I was climbing up a cliff face. They were pretty sadistic men and made me climb it over and over. I have some ugly scars from that day.”
Vienna was stunned. Shabina had never said a word to her about having such a horrific experience in all the times they’d gone bouldering and encouraged her to climb with them. She felt so ashamed of herself for trying to get Shabina to boulder. Her eyes met Raine’s. Raine knew. Raine hadn’t broken Shabina’s confidence, but then she never did. It was a wonder she never shattered under the weight of all of their secrets.
“Honey.” Vienna had to swallow the lump in her throat. “You should have told us how bouldering triggers those memories. It’s understandable.”
Shabina shook her head. “I want to boulder. I need to do this for myself. I really do. It’s just that it’s really difficult and I talk myself out of it. You all have to help me not do that.”
Vienna wasn’t certain she could be the one to make Shabina face her demons. She hoped one of her friends was stronger than she was.
“Then let’s get this done, Shabina,” Raine said decisively. “You’ve got this. Vienna can spot you. You know she’s the best and won’t let anything happen to you. We’ll help you every step of the way with beta.”
Shabina looked at the boulder and then at Raine. She smiled her serene smile. “I knew it would be you, Raine. Thank you for understanding. I have to do this for me. I don’t want to spend my entire life afraid. I need all of you to help me take this next step.”