‘They’re so in love.’ She shakes her head then winces. I press the tablets into her hand.
‘That’s good, given that they’re about to get married.’
‘You know what I mean.’ She lifts the paracetamol tablets to her mouth and puts them in, then sips her water. ‘His dad is your dad and Jagger’s getting married.’
Something in the region of my chest tightens, like a band is being strung around me.
‘Mmm.’ It’s non-committal. ‘You should go to bed, Ash. You’re done.’
‘Don’t do that,’ she mumbles, her eyes lifting to mine, and there’s something in them. Accusation and sadness. My gut rolls.
‘Do what?’
‘Don’t make a joke out of this. I’m asking you seriously. Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘How come he’s getting married and you’re...?’
I expel a sigh. ‘Jagger and I are different people. We want different things.’
‘You both want to be happy,’ she counters.
‘But it doesn’t follow that the same things will make us happy.’
‘But he’s not afraid of marriage.’
‘How do you know?’
Her eyes flare wide.
‘Maybe he’s afraid but he loves her enough to do it anyway.’
Something shifts in her expression. She’s foggy and drunk and so the words don’t seem to settle properly for several seconds. ‘You mean he’s met the right person,’ she says with a frown.
I feel danger all around me, alarm bells pealing, and yet I nod slowly. ‘Yeah. He was married before. It didn’t turn out great. So he must love Grace a shitload to be trying again.’
She nods, contemplating this. ‘So he’s met the right person, and you never have.’
More alarm bells. That’s not what I meant. But doesn’t she have a point? Kind of. ‘It wouldn’t matter who I met, I’m not interested in marriage. Nothing and no one is going to change my mind.’
‘Maybe you just think that now,’ she whispers, frowning as she wriggles away from me and jumps off the bench. Her legs are wobbly; she has to steady herself on the edge to stay standing. ‘Maybe you’ll meet someone one day and decide you want—’
‘No.’ I press a finger to her lips, knowing how important it is that she believes me. ‘There is no one on earth who could interest me in marriage. I will never want that, Asha. Not with anyone.’
‘I do.’ It’s a simple statement but my heart breaks. For her?
‘I know that.’ A gravelled admission.
‘I was looking at Grace and Jagger and I just felt so... I don’t understand how you don’t want that.’
‘Everyone’s different.’
Oh, Jesus. A sheen of tears fills her eyes. I hate myself right now, I really do.
‘You might change your mind one day?’
‘No.’ I stare at her for several seconds so she understands the truth of my words. ‘I know myself. I won’t. Ever.’