‘What?’ I frown. ‘So why would he take him in? I mean, if you’re going to be hanged for the crime...’
‘Dad did have an affair with Holden’s mom,’ he says thoughtfully. ‘But it ended months before Holden was conceived. There’s no way he could have thought Holden was his son.’
‘So why take him in?’
‘Holden’s mom asked him to,’ he says with a lift of his shoulders. ‘I think it’s the one decent thing my dad did in his life, and he didn’t even get that right.’
‘I don’t know; it seems pretty selfless.’
‘Holden was devastated to learn the truth.’ He shakes his head angrily. ‘All his life he’s been raised as a Hart and now to learn that he’s not, that the truth of his parentage is lost for ever...’
‘He doesn’t know who his biological dad is?’
‘Nah.’ He shakes his head. ‘My dad’s on the birth certificate and Holden’s mom’s dead. I know Holden had an investigator looking into it but nothing’s really shown up. I think he’s accepted he’ll never know the truth. Now he just has to work on getting over that.’
I shake my head, trying to imagine how hard that would be.
‘It’s really knocked him sideways. I keep telling him we’re still his brothers, just the same as before, but it’s not getting through to him.’
‘I get that, though.’
Theo sighs. ‘Yeah, I know.’ A rueful shake of his head. ‘But it doesn’t change anything.’
‘Not knowing is...’ I choose my words carefully, ignoring the slight warning light going off in my brain, because I don’t talk about Mom with anyone and I don’t really talk to Theo about stuff. Yet my mouth moves, forming words almost without my consent.
‘My mom died when I was born.’ I drop my eyes to the table because it’s easier to talk when he’s not seeing right into my soul. ‘All I know about her is from my dad and Joshua. Stories, pictures, anecdotes that don’t feature me at all. I know I’m like her in some ways,’ I murmur, lifting a hand to my hair and toying with it between my fingertips. ‘Same complexion and smile.’ I let one lift my lips for a moment. ‘But nothing like her in others. She’s a mystery to me. There are parts of me that are a mystery. It’s like there’s this puzzle inside me that only my mom could have pieced together and because she’s not here, because she wasn’t here, it will never really be the same.’ I swallow, lifting my beer and taking a sip.
He’s watching me. I can feel his eyes boring into me and it does something funny to my stomach. I force myself to meet his gaze and try to look normal, like I haven’t just ripped a part of myself raw.
‘I didn’t know you felt like that.’
‘It’s not a big deal.’ I keep my tone light with difficulty. ‘I mean, I’m fine. I’ve had twenty-eight years to get used to not knowing her. I don’t really think about it, in fact, but just talking about Holden... I mean, he doesn’t have his mom or dad. His whole life as he knew it has been ripped out from under him.’
‘But it hasn’t.’ Theo’s words show exasperation. ‘Jagger and I were always the biggest part of his life; we’re a part of him, and we’re still here.’
‘Except you’re not really,’ I insist, reaching across and lacing my fingers through his. ‘You helped make him who he is. He’s been shaped by you and your brother and your father and all the people who’ve been a part of his life, but there are facets of himself that he thought to be reflections of your father and now he knows they’re not. The biology he took for granted, accepted as a fact, is a lie. More than that, you and Jagger have a bond he’ll never truly be a part of.’
He’s quiet for a moment, weighing that up, and then he shakes his head. ‘That’s bullshit.’
‘I get why you think so.’ I squeeze his fingers and he frowns. ‘But, for Holden, he’s an outsider now.’
Theo’s expression shifts, his eyes swirling with resentment and frustration—both of which I understand.
‘You sound like you’re speaking from experience.’
I blink, pulling my fingers away, only he holds on tighter, squeezing them in the same way I did a moment ago.
‘Not really,’ I respond with an attempt at airiness.
‘No?’
I shift my head to the side just as a couple take seats at a table a few feet away. I watch as the guy leans towards her and she smiles up at him and I feel a pang of something in the region of my heart: loneliness. I hadn’t realised I felt that but, sitting across from the guy I’m sleeping with, who’ll never be more to me than just sex, makes me realise how much I want to be in something real, something lasting.
I turn back to Theo to find him staring at me and my chest tightens.
‘You’re close to your brother?’ he prompts, kicking his feet out beneath the table so they brush against mine. Despite the seriousness of the conversation, a sensual fog winds around us, predictable and inescapable.
‘Close is complicated,’ I say after a moment. ‘But yeah. We are. I mean, we’re like chalk and cheese in a heap of ways but we’re also super similar.’