But, despite that, I feel.
I feel deep in my soul, my bones, my heart.
I shift a little, just so I can see him better. His eyes are open, staring at the same ceiling I was just studying, his face as serious as mine. My heart plummets.
This isn’t easy or uncomplicated, not for either of us.
I push up onto one elbow, a frown on my face. ‘I didn’t know your brother was in Sydney.’
He turns to face me, his eyes swirling with feelings I don’t understand. ‘They both are, at the moment.’
‘Living here?’
‘Jagger lives here.’ I lift my fingers to his bruise; his eyes close.
‘Not the other one?’
‘Theo,’ he supplies. ‘No. He splits his time between New York and Paris.’
I nod. ‘That sounds glamorous.’
He doesn’t answer. For a while, there’s only the sound of our breathing, and then the rustle of fabric as I shift a bit, lying down beside him, my head on his chest. His heart thumps with mesmerising timing. ‘I’m sorry you and Jagger fought.’
‘We’ve been fighting for a long time. Today it just got physical.’
‘You don’t have a good relationship?’
Fingers that were running the length of my spine stop, perfectly still, between my shoulder blades for a moment before resuming their trajectory. ‘No.’
‘What about with your other brother?’
‘Theo,’ he supplies once more.
‘Right. Are you close to him?’ I lift my chin onto his chest, propping up so I can see into his eyes.
‘Not particularly.’
‘Why not?’
‘Can’t you just accept that we’re not?’
I frown. ‘No.’
His laugh is a dull sound. ‘You’d make a great spy.’
‘I’m not spying. I’m trying to get to know you.’
I ignore the futility of that, my heart hurting a little inside of me.
‘Unless it’s some kind of state secret,’ I prompt when he doesn’t speak. Still, he doesn’t answer. ‘They’re your brothers,’ I say gently. ‘I don’t know what happened between you but I do know that you’re lucky to have them. You have family and presumably they love you—why not try to fix whatever’s going on between you?’
‘That’s idealistic.’
‘And idealism is bad?’
‘It’s misplaced in this situation.’ He shifts a little, gently, so I move off his chest as he sits on the edge of the bed, his back to me.
‘I’m sorry if my idealism offends you.’