‘I don’t love you.’ The words tumble out of her mouth like a fast-flowing waterfall. ‘I will never love you. I’m not interested in you for that.’
‘You’re scared of loving anyone,’ I correct quietly.
‘Don’t do that. Don’t psychoanalyse and don’t treat me like I don’t know my own mind.’ She draws herself up to her full height. ‘All my adult life I’ve copped this kind of shit from men who can’t understand how a woman can have sex and walk away again. Like that makes me deficient in some way or a traitor to my gender when men have been doing this for ever.’
‘This isn’t about other people and how they choose to live their lives and it’s not about how you lived your life before we met. It’s not about that,’ I correct.
‘It’s always about that. Women are judged by every double standard in the book if they dare admit to enjoying sex.’
‘I think women loving sex is just about the hottest thing in the world.’
She glares at me, waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I let it.
‘But you don’t do this because you enjoy it.’
‘Oh?’ A beat passes. ‘Don’t I? Then tell me, Barrett—what do you know about me that I don’t about myself?’
‘You use sex as a form of control. Control of yourself, of men. Sex is one of the best ways to get close to a person, to feel connected and at one, but you use it to prove to yourself that you can get off and keep a complete, cold distance. Sex is a power play to you.’
Her mouth drops and her breath rushes from her, hitting me in the throat.
‘Fuck you.’
‘I’m sorry if you don’t like that, but it’s the truth, as I see it. The second we’ve had sex you need to put an end to it; you have to kick me out, push me away, show me that you hold all the cards.’
‘That’s because I use sex as a means to an end and once I’m done, I’m done. What the hell is wrong with that?’
‘Nothing, if that’s truly what you’re doing, but it’s not. You do it to show yourself that you’re still happy being alone. You can sleep with a guy and walk away. You don’t need anything else.’
‘What would you know?’
‘More than you think.’ I grind my teeth together. ‘When Caroline was dying, and I saw that shrink, he explained how eating disorders work—how it’s not about vanity but about control. And the same could be said of you. You don’t hook up with guys because you enjoy it and you want to have fun and get naked. That’s what I do with the women I sleep with, but newsflash, Avery, I still treat them with respect and civility. I still get to know them, enjoy speaking to them, laughing with them. Because I don’t fear closeness like you do. You fear it and you use every opportunity at your disposal to show yourself that you’re not going there.’
‘Fuck you,’ she says again, louder this time.
‘You’re pushing me away, but just—don’t. How about you just stop for a second? Let the wheels stop spinning, let everything stop. Don’t think. Just feel. What do you feel in here?’ I point to her chest, waiting, staring at her. She stares back, and hope lifts me because I know I’m not alone here. I know she feels what I do.
‘I feel nothing,’ she says, contradicting my certainty. ‘No—’ she shakes her head ‘—I feel angry! I feel furious. How dare you come into my life under false pretences then pull it apart, bit by bit? You have no right.’ She dashes her hand through the air and looks around until her eyes land on her clutch purse by the door. ‘You have no right.’ The words are quieter, shaking.
‘I love you.’
‘Bullshit.’ She glares at me. ‘You’re some kind of masochist or something, going after the first woman who’s not jumping up and down to become Countess whatever. That’s all this is. You can’t handle the fact that I’m not interested in you.’
‘If I can’t handle anything it’s the fact you’re actually going to push me away now, despite how great this is.’
‘This doesn’t feel great, Barrett. It feels like hell on earth.’ She wrenches the door open. ‘No sex, even the best, is worth this. Don’t ever call me again.’ She sucks in a deep breath, like she’s waiting for me to say something. I rack my brain but draw a blank. ‘And tell the Harts to go to hell.’
‘Wait.’ It’s the best I can do in that moment. ‘Just—don’t go yet.’
‘Why? Why should I stay?’
The earth is shifting beneath me. I love her, and I honestly think she loves me, but maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I’ve read this whole thing wrong. Maybe I don’t know her like I think.
‘You have ignored me at every opportunity.’ She stands tall, her back ramrod-straight. ‘You have ridden roughshod over everything I’ve said and asked of you. But not this time; I won’t allow it. I’m not what you think, and I don’t want what you’re offering.’
The pain is strangely dull. An ache inside me, slow-spreading but undeniable.
‘I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life and out of my head.’