“I do,” he says desperately. “I do need you, but I can’t do this to you. I won’t betray you a…Ah-vuh,” he says, pronouncing my name like it is two words and it makes me frown at him. He was going to say something else; I am sure of it.
“Just do this,” I say to him. “Take me, my body is yours.”
That is when he looks up at me and his eyes have gone black.
And then he unleashes his monster on me.
I rouse sometime later, on the torn and bloody sheets. It took me awhile to heal after his attack on me and I dozed off for a bit while I did so. I lift my head and in the gloom. I see him sitting, still naked, on the armchair in the corner of the room with his knees pulled up to his chest. It is the most vulnerable I have ever seen him, and it squeezes at my heart.
I smile reassuringly at him, letting him know that I am okay, but he just looks blankly back at me. I climb off the bed and approach him cautiously. He shrinks back into himself and shakes his head, so I stop where I am, about ten paces away.
“CK,” I say. “Come to me.”
“No,” he croaks out. “You shouldn’t want me anywhere near you.”
“I love you,” I say. “I want you to come to bed so that I can hold you.”
“No!” he says. “Stay away from me.”
I bite the inside of my lip. I have no idea what to say to him. He has never been like this before. There has never been a shred of guilt from him before and I find it unnerving. I take another step forward and he shakes his head vehemently.
“CK,” I say, but he interrupts me.
“I hurt you,” he says flatly. “After everything you have been through, I hurt you.”
“I’m okay. Look,” I say.
He does look at me and with a whimper that almost terrifies me more than the haunted look on his face, he whispers, “You begged me for mercy.”
I pause. It’s true, I did. I couldn’t help myself. My non-Vampire body isn’t as resilient as it used to be.
“And you stopped,” I say carefully. This is clearly what is bothering him, that he hurt me so badly I cried “uncle.” This realization brings forth another and it makes me sick to my stomach, but I am going to have to bend. I ignore his protest as I race to him and sink to my knees in front of him. I take his hands. “What I am doing to you is wrong,” I say, and he looks back at me, confused.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to only drink from me, and I shouldn’t have asked you to get rid of your Pets. You have this…” I really don’t want to use the word monster, but what else can I call it? “…monster inside of you, and you need to feed it, Constantine. Suppressing it is only going to make things worse for you.”
“What are you saying?” he rasps.
“That you have my blessing to do what you must.” It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to say to him, but I cannot deny it any longer. Burying my head in the sand is making him lose his.
“No!” he roars at me. “I will not betray you like that.”
“It isn’t betrayal if I accept it, Constantine,” I say.
“I won’t ask you to,” he replies. “I won’t.”
“You need something, and I am not the right person to give it to you. You have always known that even though I wouldn’t accept it. For so many centuries, I have tried to be everything for you, but I can’t be this. I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry that I can’t be what you need,” I say tearfully.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he says harshly. “None of this is your fault, Aefre. You are what I need. You are my light and I need you. When you pull away from me, that is when my darkness creeps over me. I have to get rid of it. It is the only way.”
I gulp. He is back to talking about trying to reverse-turn himself, and possibly a third of the world’s Vampires along
with him. “You can’t do that,” I say to him. “Just accept what I am offering you.”
“No, I cannot. I will not demean you in such a manner. What I just did to you was despicable and I will not have you sit back and let me do that to someone else,” he replies.
“You cannot reverse-turn yourself,” I say in response, fiercely pushing aside the image of him doing this with another woman.
“Aefre,” he says, trying to interrupt me, but I shush him with a glare. There is more to it than he has realized, and I must come clean.