Probably a move created so women would stop throwing inanimate objects at him.
Either way, my heart had taken up an unsteady rhythm, and I didn’t want to think about how my toes went numb in my sneakers.
“If we talk about things, will you leave?” I whispered.
How did he always push me into giving him his way?
He gave me a clipped nod, and I took a second to settle back into my own skin.
I skirted around him, careful I didn’t touch him, and went back to the living room. I took the desk chair, so that there was no chance he would crowd next to me.
He surveyed my desk, then set the jar I’d thrown at him on the surface and turned away. He folded himself gracefully somehow into the old couch and propped his arms back like a king surveying his court.
I cleared my throat and dove into the first thought that popped into my head. “To be honest, I devoted too much time to your job, anyway.”
He narrowed his eyes. “To be honest? Is that what you are going for? Because I call bullshit.”
It was disconcerting to hear his perfect mouth say bullshit with his slightly crisp and posh accent.
I slid my chair a little closer. “While we’re discussing honesty...why are you in my house? Don’t you have some kind of etiquette for forcing your company on people who don’t want it?”
He narrowed those peepers at me again. “And now you’re trying to deflect to a new topic. It wasn’t even a good attempt. Do you want to try again before I form a rebuttal?”
“Do you want me to start throwing office supplies at you?”
He blinked once, then a slow smile spread across his face. Again, I was struck with the urge to batter him.
Instead, I took a deep breath and stared at his shoes. “Look, I can’t keep working for you. I appreciate the job you gave me and the time we spent together. Well, right up until I got beaten black and blue. I appreciate you paying my medical expenses and all that. It was really nice of you. However, I think you should continue the work on your own.”
“Have you decided you don’t want to catch the Black Mage? I assumed when you woke, we would continue our search.”
Fucking hell, he wasn’t making this easy on me. “Of course, I still want to catch him. But I don’t know if I can continue this work with you.”
Suddenly, he entered my field of vision. He reached out and tilted my chin up so he could meet my eyes. “Tell me what has you spooked. You were sincere when you forgave me for leaving you at the party. I know you can take a few hits. What is it that makes you run away now?”
How could I make him understand? The moment I’d found my parents dead was locked, burned, and branded into my memory. Anyone involved in their death, anyone there that day when I was carried away screaming. The chief and everyone I met in his household would be with me forever.
I feared being that for Fin, a reminder of what he’d lost and not a celebration of what he’d gained. Above all, I feared losing him, so I did what I always did in the face of too much emotion on my part. I pushed him away, and I would keep pushing if he let me.
But the man knelt on the floor in my shitty apartment, a foot in front of me. Something told me he would not let me push him away, no matter how hard I tried or how good at it I’d gotten over the years.
Damn him for this.
I tucked my chin and clutched my forehead. He slid his warm hand over my neck to rest on the top of my back. A gesture without demands. It simply said, I’m here.
And I let him be that for me, just for a moment. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d allowed someone to just hold me, with no expectations on either side when the comfort ended. I didn’t realize how much I wanted it. Needed it.
He pressed his cheek into my hair and hugged me tight into him. It was so good to feel his solid arms around me, to let him hold me up. If I didn’t think too hard about what this could mean later, I would stay here all day. Soak it up and save it for later when I found myself alone again.
Fin needed me for a job; that was it. I couldn’t afford to forget that fact whenever he turned his gorgeous eyes on me, or touched me so tenderly.
I pulled away and looked up at him.
“Talk to me,” he whispered. “I will not run, no matter what you say. Just tell me whatever you’re holding back.”
Just as quickly as I shouldered this secret, I wanted to release it.
I sucked in a long draw of breath and let it out slowly.