‘You didn’t deserve any of this,’ she whispered.
Amy took a sharp breath.
‘I never slept with David,’ Josie continued. ‘Nothing happened in Provence. The bra? I have no idea how it got in your bed. Believe me.’
‘We should just forget about it.’
‘No, I need to tell you. I might not have slept with him, but I wanted to. I tried really hard to make him want me. He’s great-looking and rich and kind. It’s hard not to fall a little bit in love with him.’
Josie’s voice and gaze trailed off simultaneously.
‘I knew he liked going to exercise in the orchard. I used to go down there too, take my top off, hoping I’d see him, waiting. I told him a few times where I was going, but he never came. I’m not even sure he knew I was coming on to him.’
‘Oh Josie,’ said Amy, but the girl didn’t seem to be listening, tears rolling down her face as she continued in a hushed voice.
‘Nothing happened, but I wanted it to. So when I found out that he was my dad, I thought about all the times I’d dreamed of having him; the time I shagged the gardener but wished it was David. I thought about all those times and I felt horrible. I just kept thinking, what if he had gone for it, what if I’d actually shagged my dad?’
‘But you didn’t have sex with him and he isn’t your dad.’
‘It doesn’t even matter,’ Josie said bleakly. ‘When I thought about the fact that he’d rejected me, I realised that everyone has rejected me. My father – Lee – he didn’t know me from a hole in the road. Never held me, never came to a birthday party, barely acknowledged my existence. I couldn’t bear it any more.’
‘Who told you?’ Amy asked again.
‘Don’t be angry,’ Josie whispered.
‘I won’t,’ promised Amy.
‘It was Juliet.’
At first Amy wasn’t sure that she had heard correctly.
‘You wanted to know who told me about David. It was your friend Juliet. She said if I did everything she asked, she’d tell me the truth, tell me the secret my mum had been keeping from me all these years.’
‘And you believed her?’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ said Josie, her cheeks pinking. ‘Juliet’s known Mum, you, David, all of you for twenty years. And she said she had seen something back in Oxford that would change everything.’
She looked down at her hand, picking at the tape holding the drip.
‘I’ve wondered, fantasised about it all my life. Imagining my dad wasn’t Lee Bishop but someone smart and rich and handsome. But when Juliet told me it was David, I felt sick to my stomach.’
‘Juliet’s lying,’ Amy assured her. ‘She didn’t see anything in Oxford.’
Josie slumped back on her pillows, the relief obvious. ‘I’ve been feeling so guilty, and so dirty. I mean, I could have slept with my dad.’
‘What else did Juliet say to you, Josie?’
‘She said
you were a lucky bitch. Said you were too grand for everyone back home, but that you never really fitted in at Oxford either. She was the one that got me the job with Douglas. Said I had to keep my eyes and ears open. When Douglas asked me if you took drugs, I told him you did. I was jealous as hell about your job, your husband, your life. If I couldn’t have any of what you had, I didn’t want you to have it either. So I told him about the syringes. I’m so sorry, Amy. I’m sorry about everything. You deserve everything good and I deserve nothing.’
Chapter 36
She sent Juliet a text.
Have you heard what’s happened? I need a drink.
She felt it struck the right note: not accusatory, or finger-pointing, but not quite an SOS, a plea for support from one friend to another.