‘I . . . I know I should have done more, I know that, Karen, but it never seemed to be the right time.’
Karen pursed her lips and waved a hand, as if she was bored with the subject. Or perhaps just bored with Amy’s excuses. Amy could relate to that: she was bored herself.
‘It doesn’t matter, Ames,’ she said. ‘None of it matters.’
She reached for her glass and drained it in one gulp. She looked tired, all the fire gone from her eyes.
‘I know I should never have put all those ideas in Josie’s head,’ she sighed. ‘Truth is, I was jealous of you. You had this perfect life in London with a nice flat and fancy friends, going out to parties and clubs, while I was stuck here knee-deep in shitty nappies. And it grew. As the years went on, the whole thing grew. It started as jealousy, but I suppose after a while it was like everything was your fault.’
‘And you passed that on to Josie.’
Karen nodded, her expression bleak. ‘It’s been tough, Amy. Never having tuppence at the end of the week no matter what I gave up, and kids? Christ, kids just keep needing stuff. Shoes and books and a bleedin’ scooter at Christmas.’ She shrugged helplessly. ‘And then there’s you, pictures of you in the newsagent every month, flying to LA or meeting some film star, a new dress in every photo.’
Amy squirmed, suddenly seeing it from Karen’s point of view – and understanding.
‘Karen, I’m so sorry.’
‘Yeah, me too. But life’s like that, isn’t it? Fucks you up.’
‘Didn’t Lee help you?’
Karen barked with laughter. ‘That deadweight? Ha! You know he came to Oxford the night of the ball? Scared the crap out of me, threatened me – not that that was anything new. Beat me black and blue when he was drinking, which was most of the time. And this is how screwed up I was: he’d practically strangled me, but he’d come all the way to Oxford, so I took it as a sign that he cared, God help me. We got back together just long enough for him to get me up the spout.’
‘What happened then?’
Amy had come here to confront Karen, to get the truth about her own drama, but now she found herself fascinated, desperate to fill in the blanks on an old story she could barely remember.
‘Remember Lee was a mechanic? Well, his brother got him a job on the North Sea oil rigs and he moved up to Aberdeen. So up I went to Scotland with the happy news.’ Karen looked at her. ‘You know what? He couldn’t have been less interested. Thought I should get an abortion, but wasn’t prepared to do anything to help.’
She held up her hands. ‘So that was that. Along came Josie, and from then on, it was me and her. She was everything to me, Ames; she was all I had. And I’m not proud of how I turned her against you, but you know what? It felt good having something in common, something to share.’
‘I invited her into my home, Karen, and she tried to ruin my life.’
Karen paused as if to take it in.
‘Josie was always wilful. She could always twist people around her little finger. Bat her eyes at the ladies in the supermarket and get a lolly, that sort of thing, sweet-talk her teacher when she hadn’t done her homework. But when she got older, it went toxic. Bullying, I suppose, mean-girl stuff.’
Amy started shaking her head.
‘She really began to focus on you,’ said Karen in a softer voice. ‘Buying all your magazines, looking you up on the internet. It was like an obsession. If I resented you for having everything I never did, Josie came to see you as the devil incarnate.’ She gave Amy a bleak smile. ‘She persuaded me to get in touch. I didn’t like it at first, but then I thought, why not? What I said to you in London was true. I wanted to give her a start, because, well, Josie’s capable when she puts her mind to it. But I was worried, too. I wasn’t sure how far she was prepared to go to get what she wanted. That was why I freaked out when you walked in just now. I thought something terrible had happened.’
‘Depends how you look at it. My husband almost moved out and I’ve lost my job. It hasn’t been great for me, Karen.’
Karen’s blank expression said it all. She didn’t think it was all that terrible. Why would she?
‘So that’s why you came?’ she said. ‘You think Josie might have been involved? In you being fired, I mean.’
‘Do you?’
Karen shrugged, then nodded. ‘Could have been.’
‘Could have been, or was?’ said Amy. ‘I need your help here, Karen.’
‘You need my help? Oh that’s rich. For twenty fucking years you gave me nothing – nothi
ng, Amy. And now you come asking me for help.’
‘Just tell me if Josie got me fired, please.’