ed, my voice trembled with the possibilities of what could happen behind the doors of his home.
I sigh and let the habit fall from my hands as I close my eyes. It’s so hard to remember all of it, but it’s even harder to try and suppress it.
I did get on my knees and he next to me, and we did pray, but that only lasted for so long before I felt his hands on my body.
“I won’t force you,” he had whispered into my ear, “but I can’t not at least touch you.”
My body felt like it caught fire when he moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt like I was burning in the heat of his passion when his lips grazed my neck, but when he used his hands to begin lifting the hem of my dress, I felt my desire as a woman becoming much stronger than my vows of chastity.
“Just a little taste,” he said, his breath hot against my neck.
I leaned my head back against him as he lifted the hem even higher, exposing my thighs and trembling legs. A small chuckle escaped from somewhere deep inside of him and as he reached up and removed the veil from my head, I knew that I would be lost to the Church forever.
I didn’t stop him.
I wanted his touch, the feel of his strong body pressed against mine as our bodies writhed in sweat and pleasure. I wanted to know what it felt like for just once in my life to be in the arms of a man who had such a need for me as a woman and not as someone to help them through a spiritual crisis.
And my God, did I ever find out.
He was so gentle with me. The way he pressed his lips so softly over parts of my body that I had never exposed before. The slow pressure I felt when he pushed into me for the first and last time, wearing the blood of my virtue on his glorious cock like he had been marked by eyes unseen.
He taught me that night how to move on top of him, how to please him the way he needed to be, how to understand that what we were doing was a natural act, and not a sin.
And when we were done, he took me back to the convent, promising me that it would always be our secret, and no one would ever find out.
He had been right for the most part. No one did find out—at least, not until I started to show. What he didn’t know was that one night we spent together in each other’s arms, a seed had been planted.
When that seed had grown to a point where it was no longer possible for me to hide it any longer, I confessed to Father Moore and laid my habit at his feet before leaving St. Thomas and never turning back.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering how he’s doing these days. If what we shared that one night was enough to help him feel like the man he so desperately wanted to be again and if he wondered about me to.
If he does, I’ll never know because until recently, I never did make an effort to find him again. I had pushed him to the back of my mind and was content to keep him buried there until I was asked about him.
“Mom?”
I turn and glance over my shoulder, wiping away any left-over tears, and smile at the young man standing in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me curiously.
“Hey,” I say to him, as I get to my feet.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, just some bad memories came flooding back again is all,” I reply brightly, sitting on the edge of my bed. “What’s up?”
He looks so much like him.
Tall, dark hair, five o’ clock shadow on his youthful face, and eyes that can see so far inside of you, that you wonder what kind of void it is that he’s peering into.
“Nothing,” he finally says, narrowing his eyes slightly. “I thought I heard you crying so I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“I’m fine, honey. Thank you for checking up on me.”
He nods, a small grin spreading across his face as he runs a hand back through his hair and glances around the room once, before turning and walking back out.
He’s so much like his father that it will consume me one day.
When I finally find the strength to leave my room again, I’m pleasantly surprised to find that Luke has already made dinner. He’s sitting in the living room with the television off, quietly eating his barbecue chicken wings and potato wedges.
As soon as he feels me watching him from the doorway, he reaches for his napkin to clean his mouth, before glancing up at me with a smile.