“Ugh,” Jekhipe groaned. “Gods, old people are so disgusting.”
“Ha!” Tiggy said. “He called you old.”
“Old?” I said, outraged. “I’m not old.”
“Bitch,” Gary said to me. “You gonna get wrinkles if you keep making that face.”
“I’ve been drugged,” I decided, because it was the only thing that made sense. “Somehow, I’ve been drugged, and this whole damn thing has been some weird side effect. I’m probably in the castle, in my bed, hallucinating my balls off.”
“Let me handle this,” Kevin said, pushing me out of the way as he stepped forward. “I obviously am trained in dealing with these exact situations.”
“You’ve trained your dragon for this?” Ruv asked. “That’s impressive.”
“We haven’t trained him to do anything,” Ryan said. “He usually just does what he wants and we let him. Because he’s bigger than us.”
“Ah,” Ruv said. “How emasculating for you.”
Ryan frowned. “Are you insulting me?”
“Hello!” Kevin said, standing in front of Jekhipe, who was still moaning about getting hit in the face by old people. “I am the Lord Dragon, Kevin. The Beast from the East. As you can see, I, too, am a dragon. And as you can also probably see, I am far more masculine than everyone here. My virility is legendary. People worship me. I am in charge of this group that you see behind me. I also act as ambassador, rugged mascot, and sexual liaison.”
“Literally none of that is true aside from his name,” I said. “Absolutely none of it. Kevin, what the hell.”
Kevin tossed me a glare over his shoulder. “Sam,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m trying to make a connection here, so if you could please stop undermining my authority.” He turned back to the snake dragon. “Sorry about that. He gets a little… jealous when my attention is on others. He’s very possessive of me, Sam is.”
I groaned into my hands.
“It okay,” Tiggy said, rubbing my back. “You learn to share. I teach you. Don’t touch my stuff.”
“You’re so good at everything you do,” Gary said, pressing his face against Tiggy’s arm. “My big, sweet brute of a giant.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said, kissing him on the ear. “Prettiest unicorn ever.”
“You were insulting me,” Ryan said to Ruv. “Hey! I’m a man. I’m all man.”
“How wonderful for you,” Ruv said. “And obviously, because you feel the need to say it.”
“We come in peace,” Kevin said to Jekhipe. “And bringeth you tidings of great joy from the King of Verania, on whose behalf I speaketh on. He wisheth you a long and healthy life. Eth and thou.”
“Urgh,” Jekhipe groaned, curling in on himself. “I feel like my soul is getting turned inside out and it’s filled with crows and lament.”
I pushed my way past Kevin, giving him a good kick in the leg as I went by, though I knew he’d barely feel it. It made me feel slightly better, at least. I was cautious as I stood next to him, staring at Jekhipe, who was moaning about how the world didn’t understand him, that all he wanted to do was crawl back into his hole and sit in the dark and be left alone, gods.
“Why the hell are you acting like a sullen teenager?” I demanded, trying not to get too close in case this was all a ruse and he was going to snap at me.
He opened a single dark eye to look at me. “Uh, duh. I am a teenager.”
I said, “What.”
“You don’t even listen to me,” he wailed, curling in on himself again. “Nobody ever understands me and my deep thoughts and feelings!”
“Um, Ruv?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Is this the dragon from the drawings you’ve seen passed down by your people?”
“Yes, Sam.”