“Sam not go without us,” Tiggy said. “If I stay here, Tiggy smash everything.”
“He will too,” I said. “You ever hear of Lartin the Dark Leaf? Oh man. May he rest in pieces.”
“You mean rest in peace,” Ruv said.
I shook my head slowly. “No. I don’t. He was in literal pieces by the time Tiggy was done with him.”
Tiggy growled just to prove my point. It was awesome when Vadoma and Ruv both flinched.
“I, too, don’t want to stay here any longer,” Gary said to Vadoma, flipping his mane. “You dress immaculately, but everything else about you makes me wish I had my horn back so I could stab your face. No offense. Actually, I take that back. All the offense. Heaps of offense. Just all of it over your beady little eyes.”
“And everyone knows I have to go,” Kevin said. “Since this is essentially all about me. I mean, raise your hand if you’ve been possessed by a star dragon lately.” He raised his claws and looked around. “No? Anyone else? Oh, well, would you look at that. Just me! Kevin! The Beast from the East! Do you know how much gold I’m going to get for this? I anticipate a lot. Just so you all know.”
“Maybe Ruv should stay here,” Ryan said. “We don’t actually need him. Just point us in the right direction. I don’t know if you know this, but I have a sword. It’s been said by many people that I look like I know what I’m doing. It’s kind of my thing. Dashing and immaculate, they call me. It was even in the papers.”
“Yeah, babe, you tell them.” Sometimes Ryan looked stupid with his sword. Most men did. But I didn’t say anything when he was trying to be intimidating like the rest of us.
Vadoma shook her head. “You’ll need him. For the sand mermaids.”
I blinked at her. “I’m sorry. We’ll need him for the what, now?”
She turned and started walking back toward Mashallaha. “Don’t die,” she called over her shoulder. “I’m sure it would be very sad.”
“We’ll need him for the what, now?” I shouted after her.
But since she sucked, she didn’t even acknowledge me.
“Shall we?” Ruv asked, cool and calm as ever.
“I hate this place so fucking much,” I muttered.
A FEW days later, I was ready to murder everyone.
“I spy with my little eye something that is sand!”
“Is it sand?”
“It is. Tiggy, dear, you are so good at this game. Sam, yoo-hoo, Sam. Did you hear that? Tiggy is so good at this game.”
“I heard you, Gary,” I said, pulling the hood tighter around my face. “We all heard you. We’ve been hearing you for the last two hours.”
“Well, if you’ve been listening, one would think you would have tried to guess by now, wouldn’t you? Bah. You don’t know how to play travel games, you big sore loser. Go brood with your broody face somewhere else. Tiggy! Let’s go again. I spy with my little eye, something that is… sand dunes.”
“Is it… sand dunes?”
“Oh my gods,” I said.
“Is he ever going to figure it out?” Ryan asked, trudging along beside me.
“If he hasn’t by now, I’m not holding my breath about it. Maybe we’ll get lucky and find a cliff and then he’ll fall off that cliff and I’ll never have to hear him again.”
Ryan bumped his shoulder against mine. It was sweaty and gross and pretty awesome. “You’d be devastated.”
“Not hardly.”
“A little devastated.”
“Barely.”