I gagged. “Why do you say such things?”
“Because I love you more than life itself. One minute. Ruv, try anything and I’ll eat your liver. Don’t think that I won’t.”
Gary whirled away in a cloud of glitter and violent rage.
“How does he do that?”
“Look so beautiful and scary all at the same time?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a unicorn. It’s a species trait.”
“You’ve met other unicorns?”
“Um. No? But his parents are swingers and he has a brother named Terry that he doesn’t really talk to, so I just imagine they’re all like that.”
“Terry and Gary.”
“Right? Isn’t it terrible?”
“And his parents are what?”
“Oh, they travel around and have group sex.”
Ruv’s eyes bulged.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t ask too many questions because it’s easier that way. Also, can we hurry this up, because Gary will tell me about his foot in Kevin’s asshole, and I’ve already had to listen to them scream my name while they were fucking, and I’m traumatized as it is.”
“Sure,” Ruv said, looking dazed and disgusted all at the same time. Like a champ.
“I know what Vadoma wants,” I said. “And I understand what you’ve been told. But, man. I gotta tell you. You seem nice. You’re hot. You’ve got that whole mysterious thing going for you. And you seem pretty bendy.”
“Thank you,” he said, sounding rather pleased.
“Sure. No problem. But, dude, I love Ryan Foxheart. Like, I can’t even begin to tell you how much. Well, okay. Maybe I can. I used to disguise myself and go to Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings with teenage girls. One time, we talked about his biceps for six hours. I’m not even joking.”
Ruv took a step back. “What.”
“Right? Oh, man. It gets so much worse. I’ve inserted things into my anus while thinking about him before we were together.”
“Like sex toys?”
“Not all the time,” I said.
“Wow,” Ruv said faintly.
“It’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my days,” I said. “And him, too, if I’m being honest. I know what Vadoma wants. What she thinks. And I don’t know how she knew you’d be… that. For me. Like he is. I know you’ve been waiting. And I know promises were made. But I don’t love you. I won’t love you. I love him, and I always will.”
He watched me closely. “What about when his skin starts to wrinkle? When his hair turns gray? When he ages beyond you while you stay as you are? Can you say you’ll love him then?”
“If it comes to it, yes,” I said. “But I aim to make sure that doesn’t happen. Either he’ll go with me or I’ll go with him, it doesn’t matter. I’m a godsdamned wizard. One of the most powerful there has ever been, if Morgan and Randall are to be believed. I’ll figure it out.”
“You truly believe that.”
“I do. Because once upon a time, he told me that he looked upon the stars and wished for nothing more than me. And that’s not something I can ever let go.”
He nodded and took a step back, putting a respectful distance between us. “I can respect your choice,” he said. “Even if there was never really a choice at all.”