“For days. Or maybe forever.”
“Subtle, aren’t they?” Ryan asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“A little,” I said. “Maybe conniving too.”
“I think I’m good here,” Ryan said to the twins. “In fact, I don’t know that I feel the need to let Sam out of my sight our entire visit.”
“So controlling,” Left said. “Troubling.”
“So demanding,” Right said. “Concerning.”
“Babe,” I said. “I’m my own man. I got this.” I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Instead, I hissed in his e
ar, “Don’t ever leave me because I’m pretty sure they’re cannibals and will eat your flesh.”
He started coughing quite loudly.
“You okay?” I asked him, pulling away, eyes wide and innocent.
He nodded, waving at me dismissively while bent over slightly, the poor dear.
“Left, Right,” I said. “Because those are the names I’ve given you since I can’t be bothered to learn your real ones. I’m going to set something straight right now.”
“Please,” Gary said. “You’ve never done anything straight in your life.”
“Zing,” Tiggy said, hoof/fist-bumping Gary.
I ignored them because they were stupid. “I love Ryan. He is my cornerstone. That’s not going to change, no matter what anyone says or does. And if any harm comes to him while we’re here, I will place blame on Mashallaha and will bring the full might of the Crown upon you.”
They stared blankly at me.
“Also, I’ll have Kevin burn this place to the ground. Kevin! Give them a demonstration of the power you wield!”
I grinned at them as their eyes widened, waiting for Kevin to rear up and blow a monstrous plume of fire into the air to show them what happened when they fucked with Sam of Wilds. Maybe he would even roar a little and shake the foundation of Mashallaha beneath our feet.
Of course, nothing happened.
“Kevin,” I said without looking away from the twins. “Anytime now.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “He’s… busy?”
I looked behind me.
Kevin was lying on his stomach, tail flicking back and forth rapidly as he accepted bright and shiny treasures from gypsies who were lining up ahead of him. “Oh yes,” he purred. “I do like this muchly. Your Lord Dragon is pleased and will continue to bestow a bounty upon you and your household. Next, please. Oh, what’s this? Is that real gold? My word, you get extra bounty upon your house. I just… wait a minute. This isn’t real. My gods, this is fake gold. It’s not even fake gold. It’s… it’s a tin can you painted yellow? You dare to try and defy your Lord Dragon? I have half a mind to eat your toes even though I am a vegetarian! Bah, be gone with you, waste of human space! So spaketh Lord Dragon!”
“Godsdammit,” I muttered. “That hardly ever works.”
“Maybe you should learn to be more intimidating on your own,” Gary said.
“Ooh,” Tiggy said. “Sam scary like butterflies scary.”
I frowned. “But butterflies aren’t scary.”
“Tiggy wins,” Tiggy said sagely.
“It probably doesn’t help that you’re diluted, either,” Left said, and that brought the conversation around me to a screeching halt.
“Diluted,” I repeated.