“He jests all the time,” Gary said. “They call him Jester behind his back.”
“Don’t listen to him,” I said. “He’s a little sun drunk right now. Unicorns get like that and then stupidity falls from their mouths. He doesn’t know what he’s saying and should probably shut up.”
“Yikes,” Gary said. “Someone needs food or a good dicking. I know which one I’m always down for—”
“Anyway,” I said loudly. “What’s the deal here? What’s going on? What’s the haps? Am I going to be murdered?”
“No,” Left said, sounding exasperated. “Of course not.”
“Oh good. Because I don’t want to be murdered.” It was probably in the top five things I didn’t want to have happen to me. Maybe even the top three.
“The Knight Commander might be, though.”
“That’s fine, as long as it’s not me—wait, what?” I stopped walking. Ryan crashed into the back of me. “What’s this about Ryan getting murdered?”
“I’m getting what now?” Ryan asked, eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline.
“Murdered,” Tiggy whispered loudly before he started cackling like a maniac.
“Oh,” Ryan said. “That’s… not good. I would rather stay alive, thanks.” He gave his most winning smile to Left and Right. My underwear almost fell off, but the guards didn’t appear to be swayed at all. The smile faded slightly. I wanted to rim his butt to make him feel better, but now was not the time or place. For some reason, our powers of persuasion seemed to be dwindling. That was not a good sign. Especially in a foreign city surrounded by strangers.
“And why do they want to do that?” I asked slowly, inching my way in front of Ryan, even though he was scowling at me for it.
“Because of you,” Left said, as if it were obvious.
“Because of who you chose,” Right said, as if we were idiots.
“HaveHeart,” they both said at the same time, sounding disgusted.
“Everyone knows that HaveWolf is better,” Left said.
“HaveWolf is where the magic is,” Right said.
“What,” Ryan said flatly.
“HaveHeart for life, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said, frowning deeply.
What the hell were they— “Ohhh,” I said. “I get it. That’s clever. Ruv is Vadoma’s Wolf. And they think we should be together in a sexy way, if you know what I mean. Like, touching penises and stuff. So, HaveWolf. Wow, that sure sounds erotically charged and—”
Ryan’s face did something complicated.
“—and absolutely ridiculous, of course, because I don’t need to have any other name because I’ve already got my man right here. Who I love. With my heart. All of it, for true.”
Nice save, if I did say so myself. Which I did.
Ryan didn’t seem to think so, given that he scowled harder.
“Be that as it may,” Left said. “You’ll find that people here aren’t as… welcoming.”
“Given that the Wolf is a wonderful man with many fine qualities that you should probably inspect a little closer,” Right said.
“In fact, we would be willing to set that up for you, if you’d like,” Left said.
“And the Knight Commander could take his rest.”
“Or go out into the desert for an extended period of time.”
“By himself.”