The last time I tried to take a vacation was six months ago with Ryan. We’d been halfway to Meridian City when we were attacked by a group of audacious trolls who were convinced that Ryan was somehow their queen, something I had yet to let him live down. Needless to say, it’d ended up with him wearing a crown of flowers while I was tied to a tree, too busy laughing my ass off to try and save either of us. Eventually they’d let us go, but only after Ryan had promised to return on a regular basis as their figurehead. He’d been back twice so far. Gary was seriously jealous over it.
But other than that, between wizarding and some really spectacular butt sex, I didn’t have time for long getaways. The fact that we were here now was because our hand had been forced. Even with the beauty of Mashallaha, I wanted to spend as little time here as I could before moving on. It would take us a good six weeks to reach Castle Freeze Your Ass Off after dealing with the desert dragon, and I wanted to get there sooner rather than later so I could give Randall a piece of my mind face to face.
“Oh, thank the gods,” Gary moaned as we got closer. “This has been hell on my thighs. I am going to find the most bronze cabana boy I can and make him massage my flanks while feeding me little pieces of frozen fruit.”
“And I shall find an even bronzer cabana boy and show him the wonders of a forked tongue,” Kevin said, holding his head up high. “You know what they say. You haven’t been porked until you’ve been forked.”
“No one says that,” I said. “Literally no one at all.”
“I heard it before,” Tiggy said. “From Gary.”
“Tiggy!” Gary shrieked. “I would never. I have a bit more self-respect than that.”
“Pfft,” Kevin said, a little tendril of smoke curling from his nostrils. “That’s not what you said when you were sitting on my dick.”
“You’d think I’d be used to hearing things like that.” Ryan grimaced. “You’d be wrong.”
“Sam,” Gary said. “Would you please tell Kevin that I am much classier than—”
“Nope,” I said. “Nope, nope, nope. Stop it. Just stop it. I’m tired. I hate the sun. I have sand on the skin between my balls and my asshole. I am going to a city run by my grandmother, who I believe is sketchy and nefarious. I have to face a dragon who could eat me alive. All I want to do is lay on a bed, not move for hours, and I cannot do that if I have to sit here and listen to your shit.”
“Oh snap,” Tiggy said. “Sam go rawr.”
“Can I be honest right now?” Gary asked. “That turned me on a little bit. Like, at least half a chub.” He fluttered his eyelashes at me. “You want to go get a drink later? Maybe after, if you’re lucky, you can finally find out what it means to taste the rainbow.”
“Oh my gods,” I gagged. “Everything hurts. Everything hurts.”
“I’m coming after your man,” Gary told Ryan. “You best watch your back. When Gary sets his eyes on something, Gary gets what he wants.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said. “You know what? I’m not too worried about that this time around.”
“Because you’ve already accepted the inevitable?”
“Sure,” Ryan said, rubbing a hand on my back in a slow circle. “Let’s go with that.”
“I’m bigger than he is,” Kevin grumbled. “And I mean everywhere.”
“Hey!” I snapped. “It’s not about the size, but what you do with it. Trust me, Gary’s not even gonna remember your name by the time I get done plowing him like a—holy gods, what am I even saying?”
“Maybe a little worried.” Ryan frowned.
“Someone’s getting a piece of wizard tonight!” Gary crowed gleefully.
“I want some wizard too,” Tiggy said with a pout.
“We can share,” Gary told him.
“Over my dead body,” Ryan said. “You do realize I have a sword, right? I will motherfuc—”
“No cussing!” I admonished him. “You’re a godsdamned knight, for fuck’s sake. Act like one!”
“—mothercracking stab you if you try and get up in his business.”
Get up in his business, Gary mouthed to Tiggy, looking bewildered. Tiggy just shrugged. I felt a little tingly myself.
And of course, since we were distracted by Gary and his threats of spraying me in primary colors, we didn’t see the guards standing at the gates to Mashallaha until one of them coughed.
We all turned to glare at them.