“I’m done,” Vadoma said.
“Oh thank the gods,” I said, taking a step away from her, trying to put as much distance between us as possible. “I’m pretty sure that I’m going to need therapy after this.”
“Are you always this dramatic?” she asked me, wiping her hands with an embroidered towel.
“Mostly,” Gary said. “That would be my doing.”
“I still don’t like you,” Vadoma said.
“Ow,” Gary said, dry as dust. “My heart. Whatever shall I do. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t put my smooth and youthful skin next to your craggy old face anyway.”
“Unicorns,” she growled. “Never has there been more useless creatures. Be gone with you, horse.”
“Uh-oh,” I said.
“Horse?” Gary snapped. “Horse? Oh, girl, you gone and done it now. Watch this! Watch what’s gonna happen! You watching? Are you watching?” He started prancing in place, working himself up into a fine glitter rage, jerking his head back and forth. “You see that pretty sparkle? That pretty sparkle is coming for you, you old bag. Gary’s gonna bring the pain down on you like you wouldn’t even believe.”
“It’s true,” Vadoma insisted. “You are a horse with a horn. Oops. Not even that, are you?”
“GAAAAAH!” Gary screamed.
“Fear not, my love!” Kevin bellowed, the ground shaking beneath our feet as he barreled toward us. “For it is I, Kevin! And I shall save you from whatever it is that causes you pain!”
Ruv moved then, quicker than a human had any right to. One moment he was standing near Ryan, who continued beating the shit out of the wooden statue, and the next, he was in front of Vadoma, a long knife with a wicked curve pulled from somewhere. His teeth were bared, and he was crouched in front of Vadoma, shielding her. Her hand was on his shoulder, holding him in place.
Not to be outdone, Ryan ran over and tried to crowd in front of me, sword at the ready, as if he were expecting Ruv to attack at any moment.
So I smacked him on the back of the head.
“Ow,” he said, glaring back at me.
“Stop it,” I scolded him.
“Stop what?”
“You’re trying to protect me.”
“Well, yeah. This guy just pulled a knife on you!”
“And you don’t think I can protect myself?”
“It’s not about that. It’s about making sure you’re safe. I’m doing my job, Sam. And the sooner you remember that, the better off we’ll both be.”
I bristled at that. “I’m not—”
“Are they fighting?” Kevin whispered quite loudly.
“I think so,” Gary whisper-shouted back. “Do you think we should tell them that now is not the time?”
; “Why are we yelling quietly!” Tiggy yelled quietly.
I bit back whatever retort I had when Ryan took a deep breath. Because Gary was right, not that I would ever say that out loud to him ever. “Why don’t we all just take a step back,” I said, keeping my voice even. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m mostly naked after being manhandled by my grandma. I would like today to be over so I can go get drunk and repress all the feelings I’m having right now.”
There was a moment when I thought they wouldn’t, that we were just going to square off right here and now, but then Vadoma squeezed Ruv’s shoulder and he stood up slowly, bringing his knife down to his side.
It took Ryan just a beat longer to stand down, but he did. I noticed he didn’t sheathe his sword, nor did he step away from me. I don’t know where any of this was coming from, seeing as how we’d talked about him and me and how Ruv didn’t mean a thing. Apparently I needed to bash it into his thick skull more than I already had.