“He most certainly did,” Kevin said. “We all heard it too. The acoustics in the castle are just extraordinary. Raise your hand if you thought Sam would be a screamer.”
Tiggy raised his hand. Kevin raised a claw. Gary stood on three legs.
“I didn’t scream,” I said, scowling at all of them. “I was providing encouragement to my boo so he knew he was doing a good job. It’s called positive reinforcement.”
Ryan turned his face toward the heavens and sighed. He was either silently agreeing with me or deciding now was a good time to study up on constellations.
Kevin snorted a little lick of fire. “It sure sounded like you were positively reinforcing his—”
“Dear,” Gary said. “We’ve talked about this. It’s not polite to discuss other people’s sex lives when one or more of them is a prude.”
“I’m not a prude. Do you know how many things Ryan has done to me? Like, seventeen things.”
“Name three,” Gary said rather gleefully as he pranced in place.
“Easily,” I said. “This one time, he put his toes in my—”
“That’s probably enough of that,” Ryan said.
I mimed the rest to Gary. It was the most accurate thing I’d ever done.
Gary squinted at me. “Are you pretending to eat a watermelon covered in peanut butter?”
“Close enough. I couldn’t walk straight for like three days.”
“I bet I could make it four,” Sir said as he leered at me.
“I like him,” Kevin announced. “We should all be sex friends and go on team-building retreats where none of us wear clothing and we all lay on top of each other.”
“Yep,” I said. “Time to go. This has just been lovely. Justin, will you be signing any contract or having any follow-up with Sir? I take it by the way you’re squeezing my hand to the point of excruciating pain, that’s a no. Sorry, Sir. Looks like the date was a bust. Next time, huh?”
“Or maybe,” Sir said slowly, “you owe me for wasting my time.” He glanced at Ryan. “He your bitch?”
“Oh, girl, that was a bad idea,” Gary muttered.
“I smash?” Tiggy growled.
“Kind of my bitch,” Ryan said.
“No shit,” Justin said.
“Ha,” Kevin said. “I knew it. That’s so hot.”
“Hey! Okay, I am, but that’s still rude. Or maybe I’m my own man, and I can speak for myself. Maybe I want to go with him.” I looked back at Sir. “I really don’t want to go with you. I’m just trying to prove a point.”
“Autonomy is very important,” Sir said. “Unless I take it from you and cover you with my semen.”
“You are the greatest man alive,” Kevin said. “Teach me all your secrets.”
“One day,” Ryan said, “we’re going to meet someone new who doesn’t want to capture and/or have sex with you.”
“I never did,” Gary said. “He’s a little too stringy for my tastes. Not enough meat on dem bones, if you know what I mean. Unicorns need a little more oomph since we’re such voracious lovers.”
“Stringy?” I gasped.
“It okay,” Tiggy said, reaching down and patting me roughly on the head. “I do you.”
“Aw. Really?”