howled for you/always been mine
“HOW WOULD this work?” I asked Mark and Elizabeth. It was seven days since the others had returned, and one day before the full moon. We walked through the woods, brushing our hands against the trees, leaving our scent on the bark. They’d chosen not to shift, knowing I needed advice.
“What would that be?” Mark asked.
I rolled my eyes.
“You know.”
“Maybe, but it helps to hear you say it,” Elizabeth said.
I held back the retort and just said, “Joe.”
“Between the two of you?” Mark asked.
“No. Well, yes, that too. But that’s not what I meant. Between all of us.”
Mark chuckled. “Of course that’s what you’d be thinking of. Everyone else but yourself.”
“It’s my job,” I said.
“That may be,” Elizabeth said, “but there’s a time to be selfish, Ox.”
“I can’t,” I admitted. “Not yet.” I hated those two words more than anything.
“You’re angry still,” she said, touching my arm.
“It’s not something I can just get over.”
“But you have already,” Mark said. “With Gordo. Carter. Kelly. Maybe not completely, but you’ve started.”
“And?” I asked, trying to play dumb. “That has nothing to do with—”
“Why should Joe be any different?”
“Because he is different.” It was petty, but I didn’t like feeling cornered. “He’s not the same to me as everyone else.”
And they knew that. But they’d also talked to him since I’d been back. Every day. They went back and forth between the old house and the main house. They spent the day with him while I was at work with the rest of my pack and Gordo. They hugged him, they touched him, they listened to him breathe. They didn’t wake up from nightmares where Joe was gone again, that he hadn’t said anything, he’d just been gone like he never was at all—
“You’re not dreaming, Ox,” Elizabeth said quietly, and again I wondered just how connected we all were. Because sometimes I thought they were always in my head. “I know it seems like you are. The edges are fuzzy and you can’t quite make sense of what’s happening, but I promise you, this isn’t a dream.”
“What do you talk about?” I asked, not looking at either of them. “When I’m not there.”
Mark sighed. “Not much. Carter and Kelly do most of the talking. Joe… doesn’t say very much.”
I felt guilty at that, even though I didn’t know if I should have. Apparently, he’d been like that for a long time now. I didn’t know what else had changed. I didn’t know how to ask.
“I have to let this go,” I said. “But I don’t know how. I’ve tried. I have. It’s killing me to know he’s right there and I’m not doing anything about it.”
“Then do something,” Elizabeth said. “You’ve never been indecisive before, Ox. Don’t start now.”
I snorted. “That’s bullshit. There’s plenty of times I haven’t been able to make a choice.”
She slapped me upside the head, and I glared at her. “Fix this,” she said. “Before I lose all my patience and take care of it myself. You don’t want that to happen.”
“You really don’t,” Mark said. “She’ll become like a little gnat, always buzzing in your—”
“Don’t even get me started on you,” Elizabeth said. “You’re in the same boat, Mark, I swear to god. You just wait until this is finished, and I’m going to start on—”