He tugged on my hand gently, but insistently. I turned over on my side as he was silently asking me to do, facing him. His position mirrored mine. His eyes searched my own. He opened his mouth once, then closed it. Then, “I meant what I said.”
“When?”
“When I told you that the only thing I wished for was you.”
“You bastard,” I whispered. He took our joined hands and brought them to his face. I felt the brush of his lips against my skin, and I fought against jerking my hand away. “Do you want to know what it felt like?”
“What?”
“The lightning.”
“I don’t—”
“It hurt. At first. It wasn’t like the first time when we were running from the Darks and the fire geckos. It was so easy then. So easy to take it in, wrap it around my heart, and then send it away. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it again. Why it wasn’t working.”
His face was so close to mine. I could feel his breath on my skin.
“And then something was different. Morgan and Randall knew why. I didn’t. Maybe I should have. I just felt it. In my bones. In my blood. It whispered to me and said that everything was going to be all right. That I could do this. That I could do what they were asking of me. And then Randall gave me more than he should have. Far more than I should have been capable of handling. But it didn’t matter because the moment it touched my skin, I knew it was different. That I was different. I knew I could do this. I knew what I was capable of. I took it in and it wrapped itself around my heart and it was scary and devastating and wonderful all at the same time. It felt of power and strength and I could have kept it there. No matter how much it hurt. I could have kept it there for myself. But it wasn’t mine to keep. It wasn’t mine to hold. So I let it go. I let it go and I didn’t understand. Why it felt so familiar. The electricity crawling along my heart. I didn’t understand at first. But I do now.”
“What is it?” he whispered.
“It’s you,” I said, not able to look away. “It’s how I feel when I’m with you. How I think I’ve always felt. You’re my lightning-struck heart. It doesn’t matter about the cornerstone. It doesn’t matter about who I am or who you are. Not to me. I think it would have always been this way for me. Even if we had never escaped the slums. Ever since the beginning. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve struck my heart, and now I have to let you go because you’re not mine to keep. I need someone that I can be strong for. But I need someone who can also be strong for me.”
“Sam,” he croaked out, his eyes bright and wet.
And I’d said enough. I’d had enough. Much like Randall’s lightning had arced along my heart, Ryan did the same. The only way forward was to expel him from me because he wasn’t mine to keep.
And because I would never get another chance, I brought his hand to mine, brushing a kiss against his knuckles. I said, “I think I love you.”
I let him go.
I pushed myself up.
I looked up at the stars, but I did not make a wish.
And then I left him there in my mother’s secret garden.
CHAPTER 29
The Lightning-Struck Heart
“WELL,” GARY said, as he posed in front of the floor-length mirror in my room. “Today should be a fuckton of shits and giggles.”
“That was sarcasm,” Dad explained to Tiggy. Tiggy still hadn’t quite got the hang of sarcasm yet, even though Gary had made it his singular mission.
“Got it,” Tiggy said, frowning in concentration. “Fuck shit giggles sarcasm.”
“Tell me I look pretty,” Gary demanded of Kevin, who was sticking his large head through the window. We were lucky my room was at the back of the castle so that Kevin could actively participate in discussions of a serious nature, like telling Gary he looked pretty.
“You are like the sun and the moon combined to make a creature so astoundingly beautiful that the world can’t even contain its—”
“Oh my gods,” I groaned as I lay on my bed. “Gary, make him stop.”
“Never,” Gary said. “This is probably as close as I will ever get to looking like a princess so I expect to be treated as such.”
I looked over at him and tried not to laugh because he would find ways to eviscerate me. Gary had gotten it into his head that his mane and tail needed to be permed for the wedding, and he looked like two gigantic cotton balls were consuming him from either end. They were adorned with dozens of fresh flowers and his hooves had been painted blue and silver to match the flowers. I wanted to tell him I thought he looked like he should be working for Mama, but I valued my testicles so I kept my mouth shut.
“Exactly like a princess.”