“WHOSE RULES?”
“KEVIN’S RULES FOR A GOOD BOUT OF FUCKING.”
“He shouldn’t follow those rules,” I told a sleeping Tiggy.
“OH. OKAY. I GUESS I CAN DO THAT. IT’S BEEN A WHILE. MY SAFEWORD IS MURIEL. MY WORD TO GIVE ME A MOMENT TO BREATHE IS FONDUE. MY WORD TO KEEP ON GOING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS AMAZING IS SAM.”
“Oh, come on!” I said into my hands.
Monkeys renewed their wet orange fight with feral-cat-eating ghosts.
“WHO IS MY BAD UNICORN?”
“I AM, SIR. I AM YOUR BAD UNICORN. SPANK ME WITH YOUR MOUTH.”
“IS THIS OKAY? DOES THIS FEEL GOOD?”
“SAM. SAAAAAAAM. I AM SO SAM RIGHT NOW.”
“This is not okay,” I cried. “Nothing about this is okay.”
Tiggy continued to snore.
“YOU NAUGHTY UNICORN. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON IN RESPECT.”
“MAKE ME RESPECT YOU SO HARD. SAM, I AM. SAMSAMSAMSAM. I AM—WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT YOUR PENIS? HOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS, I DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS GOING TO FIT IN ME.”
“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks and everything you need!” I tried to sing. It came out broken and sounding like I was dying. Because I was.
“OH, THANK YOU, MY HEART. IT’S ALWAYS AFFIRMING WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU YOUR COCK IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING THEY’VE EVER SEEN.”
“UM. I DIDN’T QUITE SAY IT LIKE THAT. SIR. OOOOOH. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT. I AM SO FUCKING SAM RIGHT NOW. I AM THE SAMMIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN. SAM ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU DIRTY BASTARD.”
It went on for another four hours.
The fourteenth morning.
“BERRIES?” TIGGY asked as he looked down at his oatmeal.
“We couldn’t find any,” Gary said.
“We looked long and hard,” Kevin said. “Very long. And very hard.”
I let out a wail because why did this have to happen to me?
“Sam?” Gary asked. “You okay? You look… clammy.”
“I’ve heard things,” I whispered, clutching my hands at my chest. “I’ve heard things.”
“What things?”
“Things,” I breathed.
“Oh,” Gary said, sharing a fond look with Kevin. “I see what this is.”
“Sam?” Kevin said. “We should talk about this, okay, buddy?”
“No,” I said. “Never.”