“Like a butterfly,” Gary said.
I ignored him. “Kevin’s going to stop them.”
They all slowly turned to the dragon, who looked like he was trying to slip his nose under Gary’s tail. “Er,” he said. “What now?”
“You’re a god to them, dude,” I explained. “They built a cult around you. They’ll listen to you. Tell them to fuck off so we can get the hell out of here.”
“What’s in it for me?”
“Gary,” I said.
“I’ll do it,” he said promptly.
“Wait,” Gary said. “What?”
I rolled my eyes. “Like he’s going to not go with us now. You know he’s going to follow us home.”
“We’re in love,” Kevin announced quite loudly.
“No,” Gary said. “We’re in lust. There is a difference.”
“It’s love,” Kevin said. “You make me burn. Without you, I am nothing. I want to fellate you until you cry.”
Gary stared at him. “I might have gotten in over my head.”
“I shall protect you, my love,” Kevin said, pulling himse
lf up to his full height. “You are the most important thing in the world to me, and since we will not be having an orgy with all your friends—wait. What was that?”
“I didn’t say anything,” Gary said.
“No?” Kevin said. “I swore I just heard you say you wanted to have an orgy with all your friends.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“Oh. Well, as I was saying. Since we will not be having an orgy… right? Anyone. No one. Seriously? Not a single one of you? Ugh. Fine. Since there will be no orgy, I shall instead defend your honor. Because you’re my one and only.”
“I don’t believe you so much anymore,” Gary said. “Because of the orgy.”
“You have to act godlike,” I said. “Make it believable. Really sell it.”
Kevin cocked his head at me. “So, like I normally act?”
“What? No! The exact opposite of how you normally act. The furthest thing from how you normally act. Don’t even act like you normally do and you’ll be closer than you are right now.”
“Got it,” Kevin said. “Act like normal. Because I’m a god. Should I do an accent? That’s normal. Normal people have accents. Thees ees yer god spakin. Bow down ter meh.”
“We’re doomed,” I moaned.
“We really should do something about your pessimism,” Gary said. “Have a little faith, huh? I mean, just look at us.”
I looked at them. A hornless gay unicorn built out of rainbows and bitchiness. A half-giant who wanted to smash everything. A dragon who winked and flicked his tongue at me. A prince who I wanted to protect but also punch in the face. A knight I had a heart boner for.
“We’re doomed,” I moaned again. “Doooomed.”