“Yes,” a man across from me said. “Every day, Eloise allows us to eat the truth so we may speak it at all times.”
“And let me guess,” I said. “Eloise doesn’t have to eat the truth herself.”
“She doesn’t have to,” a woman said. “She is the truth.”
I looked back at Eloise. “What are you?”
“What are you?” she asked.
“A wizard’s apprentice,” I said promptly and against my will. “Though I don’t know if I’ll ever become a full-fledged wizard. I don’t know if I have the strength.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
“And why is that?”
It was no use. “Because of what I am. Who I am supposed to be.” It poured out from me, and try as I might, I could do nothing to stop it. I tried to call on my magic, but it seemed to be so far away that it was inconsequential.
“And that is?”
“The most powerful wizard in an age,” I said, putting as much force behind my words as I could. It was rewarding to see Eloise’s eyes widen slightly. “I can do things that others can only dream about.”
“Ungh,” Ryan said. “That shit is so hot.”
Everyone turned to stare at him.
He was bright red. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit.”
“What?” I squeaked.
“When you do magic, it turns me on,” Ryan said, shaking his head frantically. “Ah gods. I can’t—stop. Just stop. Ahhh, I get erections when you cast spells. Oh shit.”
“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.
“This… this is not what I thought was going to happen today,” Gary said.
“What you think happen?” Tiggy asked.
“I thought Ryan and Sam would continue to ignore how much they want to bone each other and we would all be suffering in silence because Sam won’t pull his head out of his ass to see that Ryan wants to eat said ass for dinner.”
“I do,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. “For breakfast, even. And lunch. And a midnight snack. Especially when you do magic.”
“You have a magic kink?” I said, because that was the only thing I could focus on.
“Yes. But only for you. Your magic gets me hard,” he said, looking like he wished he could be anywhere but where he was. “When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”
“Yeah,” I managed to say.
“I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why, why did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone. Kill me.”
“Sex puns,” I breathed. “Knight Delicious Face said a sex pun.”
“There it is again!” he exclaimed. “Knight Delicious Face. What is that?”
“You’re a knight,” I said. “And your face is delicious.”
“You think I’m delicious?” he said, suddenly shy.
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned. “This is so awkward I can’t even stand it. I physically hurt from how awkward this is. I don’t even care that we’re apparently in mortal danger. I just don’t want to listen to you two flirt anymore. Eloise? Yoo-hoo, Eloise? If you’re going to kill us, can you please do it now? I can’t take this anymore.”