“Oh my gods.”
“Dearest Dimitri. I’ve known you but for three minutes, but my heart beats in my chest just for you.”
“Gary, I swear to the gods, stop talking.”
“Gary, please continue,” Ryan said, and I despised him.
“You are a fairy and I am a man. A wizard, but a man nonetheless. Our worlds couldn’t be more different, but please believe me when I say I love you just as much as I love standing here against my will.”
Ryan choked out a laugh, and I wished a tree would bad-touch him again.
“All my life I’ve searched for someone like you. Only you’re better. Because you have wings. That are shiny. So. Good job on that. Your parents must be proud. Oh? What’s that? Your parents are dead? And they died horribly just three months ago? Oh. My bad. Dude. Seriously. So my bad. That was not cool. Can we go back to the love part?”
I buried my face in my hands. How he remembered this word for word, I’ll never know. And why did everyone who did impressions of me do my voice so shrill? It was insulting.
“The love part. Here we are. Together. You and I. And we’re getting dude-hitched. To each other. Because this is my life. And I couldn’t run away. Even if I wanted to. So I guess this will be a thing. Forever. Lucky me. I’m not stalling, I just have so many words to say to you. Like, you are fun. For someone who took me prisoner and is now forcing me to marry him. So fun. I have to wrap it up? Rude. Okay. In conclusion, I’m super happy about this. And you are awesome. And I’m so glad Gary is laughing at me. The bastard. Tiggy, you are my only favorite. The end.”
“Gary?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Your death will not come easy. There will be pain as I choke the life out of you.”
“Kinky. I’m down.”
“How did you get away?” Ryan asked.
I shrugged. “Gary got free and kicked some fairies, and we ran.”
He gaped at me.
“It was daring,” I said.
“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Ryan said. “I don’t even know what to say to any of this. You and I have been talking, actually talking, for a little over three weeks. And in those three weeks, we’ve been attacked twice, a dragon came to the city and knocked you through a building, and now we’re going to meet your ex to whom you almost gay fairy married. How are you even a real person?”
“Hey,” I growled. “He’s not my ex. And you didn’t talk to me for like two of those three weeks, so you can shut your mouth. And it wasn’t a building. It was a shed.”
“I was busy.” The trees were bringing him closer to me. He was scowling. It was unfair how hot his scowl was. When I scowled, I looked constipated.
“Yeah, that must be it. Busy like a champ.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
“You don’t even make sense!”
“I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight,” Gary said to Tiggy.
The trees stopped moving Ryan when he was three feet away from me.
“Who Mommy?” Tiggy asked, eyeing us both.
Gary rolls his eyes. “Duh. Ryan. Obviously.”
“Ha!” I crowed. “You’re the mother!”
“Whatever,” he muttered. “I’d be a great mom. I’d mom like a champ. Wait. What the hell? How do you get me involved in these conversations?”
“Uh, easy? You open your mouth and respond. Not a hard concept. Even for a meathead knight like yourself.”