like. Um. Let’s see. Monologue. Monologue. I mean, do I just start or…? Like, lay out my plans of evil and then…? Okay. I can do that.” I cleared my throat. “So. Here goes. I will now tell you my plan for crushing the Resistance.”
Gary was shaking on the ground. Motherfucker was laughing at me. I thought about lighting his bouffant on fire, but since he had his horn back, I figured he would probably shoot more rainbows all over my face, and I couldn’t have that. So I chose to ignore him instead.
“It all started when I was young and realized my father thought I was weak. He hailed from the North and worked in the lumber mills and was stronger than I could ever be.”
“Ohh,” one of the Darks said. “It’s already off to a good start.”
“Yes, my father thought I was too small and incapable of manly things and also a waste of space. All I wanted to do was impress him, but nothing I did ever worked.” Which, of course, was bullshit. He was very easily impressed. “I begged him. I said, ‘Papa, why can’t you love me as I am?’ And he said, ‘You’re too meek and mild for me to love. I wish we had had a son who mattered.’”
Two of the Darks’ lips were wobbling.
I was so good at this.
“And then I grew up and became magic and was told I was going to be a good guy, but then I thought p’shaw, that sounds boring and predictable. Why on earth would I want to do that? So then when I heard there was a prophecy about me, I decided to defy the gods. I pretended to go along with them, but secretly I was learning how to be a Dark wizard, because everyone knows Dark wizards are cooler than most others and very hard to fool.”
“Damn right!” a Dark called out. “We’re so cool! And no one gets anything by us!”
“Exactly! So while it seemed like I was a good guy, I was actually the worst guy of all! Like, this one time Gary asked if the magenta in his mane made him look fat, and I said no. But in reality, it did.”
Rainbow and glitter shot out of his horn and landed on my boot.
“Next one goes in your mouth,” he whispered at me.
I gulped. “And uh, so yeah! Like, I wanted to tell you guys that I was bad, but every time I saw a Dark wizard, there were a bunch of people around me and I couldn’t break my cover.”
“What about the time you saw Myrin in Mashallaha?” Terrance asked.
“Thank you, Terrance,” I said as evenly as I could. “I was hoping you were going to ask that. I had been seduced by love. You see, I have a cornerstone. He loved me, and I tolerated him, but he used that love against me, and I felt myself getting pulled toward the light. Why, that time in Mashallaha when I fought Myrin, Ryan had just told me how much he loved me, and how I was the best thing in his world, and how he didn’t think he could ever go on without me, and that if I left him, he would probably just lay down and die.”
“Laying it on a little thick,” Ryan muttered.
“Gross,” a Dark said. “Cornerstones are so clingy.”
“Right? But I was already drowning in his love, and so that’s why I fought Myrin. But I felt super bad about it afterward, and I’ll totes apologize the next time I see him.”
Terrance nodded. “Okay. You may continue your monologue.”
I winced. “I have to do more?”
“You still haven’t said your evil plans.”
“Oh, right. Riiiiight. My plans.”
“Your evil plans.”
“Gods, fucking Terrance—I mean, yes, Terrance. You are correct. My evil plans. You see, I went to the woods to learn control over all the other dragons. I hoped by the time I came back to serve Myrin that he would have destroyed the Resistance. But he hadn’t. So I infiltrated their camp, learned their ways and gained their trust, and now know everything about the Resistance.”
“I just got chills,” the first Dark said. “Did anyone else get chills? Because I did.”
“Right?” I said, pleased. “So, now if you could take me and my prisoners to Myrin, everything will be swell and we can get on with the whole destroying Camp HaveHeart thing. Also, that name sucks because HaveHeart is gross. Also, I hate love. And puppies. And feeling good. Because I like Dark stuff. Like… um. What do you guys like?”
“Potatoes,” one Dark said.
“Pushing people into lakes,” another Dark said.
“Lighting things on fire.”
“Looting and pillaging!”