“For fuck’s sake,” I muttered. “Good help is so fucking hard to find these days.”
We were a motley crew, the six of us. A half-giant, a unicorn, a knight, a dragon, a fairy king, and a kickass wizard, all marching with our heads held high toward the City of Lockes with a firm belief in the plans set forth by said wizard, no matter how much bitching tried to provide evidence to the contrary.
I wore the best robes I could find on such short notice, a deep and flowing green inlaid with a gold design along the hem. Gary said it looked like a dress that I couldn’t even dream of pulling off, but he had done his mane up in a stylized bouffant for reasons even he couldn’t explain, so I didn’t think he had any room to talk.
Ryan was knighted out in full armor, something that he was probably regretting given how far we’d walked and how warm it was. But he refused to acknowledge his discomfort, because he was a man who did manly things. Like a douchebag.
Tiggy wore pants, even though he didn’t want to. We were all thankful.
Dimitri wore nothing. Because no one had tiny clothes.
“We’re going to be fine,” I said, more for everyone else than myself, given that I was absolutely forty-seven percent convinced that this was going to sort of work. “You’ll see. I mean, if you think about it, even if a few of my ideas have been less than stellar, we’re still alive for the moment, aren’t we?”
“Wow,” Ryan said. “Way to be inspiring.”
I scowled at him. “You’re sweating profusely because you’re wearing full armor like an asshole. Shut up.”
“We gonna die?” Tiggy asked Gary.
“Eh, probably. But you know what I always say. Die young, leave a good-looking corpse that people will probably want to have stuffed and positioned in a rather morbid art display inside one of those sterile-looking museums that people go to and pretend to understand exactly what the artist was trying to say because it makes them feel deep.”
“He does always say that,” Kevin said fondly. “I’m so happy we’re married again after having broken up, separated, soul-searched, had a trial reconciliation filled with a carnality that made even me blush, and then realized that Gary can do no better than the Beast from the East.”
Gary squinted up at him. “Dear, I think you got a couple of those words mixed up. Gary didn’t realize anything. You realized that your life was shallow and empty without me, and therefore begged me to give you the time of day again, and when I finally acquiesced, you cried and told me I am never allowed to leave you again because you were lonely without me and couldn’t imagine existing without me.”
“Ha ha,” Kevin chuckled awkwardly. “He’s so funny, right? Making stuff up like that.” He then lowered his voice as if he thought we couldn’t hear him, even though he was literally standing right next to us. “Would you stop saying that? We’re with our son and the boys. Don’t embarrass me in front of them. They won’t think I’m cool anymore, and then Sam won’t want to go out and toss the old pigskin around with me anymore and/or finally give in to the palpable chemistry that simmers between us.”
“It was a literal pigskin,” I told Ryan. “I don’t know where he got it from, but it was fresh. He tossed it at me, and I ran screaming because some of it got on me.”
“Did we ever figure out why he and Gary sometimes think they’re your parents?” Ryan asked. “Or is it one of those things we just accept as fact and don’t try to look too much into because it doesn’t quite make sense.”
“Like our lives,” Tiggy said.
“The half-giant is quite profound,” Dimitri said. “Maybe he could appreciate a man of my caliber. You there. Half-giant. How would you feel about being my queen?”
“I smash you,” Tiggy growled.
“Eep,” Dimitri said.
“This is totally going to work,” I decided.
AS WE approached, we could see movement atop the walkways on the walls that surrounded the City of Lockes. Given Kevin’s size, I was sure we’d been spotted long ago, but I wasn’t too worried about it. At least not yet.
Okay. Maybe I started to get a little worried when the gates opened and Dark wizards poured out, standing in a regimented line even before we could announce ourselves. I had complete and utter forty-seven percent faith in my plan, but there was still that small fifty-three percent that niggled at the back of my mind. Everything hinged on the next few moments, and I hoped that everyone was ready to play their roles to perfection.
I knew that we might have been a little bit fucked when Gary exclaimed in a loud voice, “Oh no! ’Tis the Dark wizards! Whatever shall we do? The fear is tingling down my thighs like I have restless leg syndrome!”
“Oh my gods,” I muttered. “Gary, shut up.”
“I’m just getting into character,” he hissed back. “You know I’m not good playing the damsel in distress. I’m much too tough for such frivolities. I am a strong, independent unicorn who don’t need no mens to rescue him, thank you very much.”
“Don’t need no mens,” Tiggy growled, his big hands curling into fists as he watched the Dark wizards ahead of us.
“We’re doomed,” I told Ryan. “Just so you know.”
“You always say that.”
“Yes, well. I mean it this time.”