“Shh.”
“Oh please. Like they’re even remotely conscious. It’s not as if—oh my gods, do you smell that? It’s like the aftermath of a gangbang of a group of particularly pungent pygmies. What were they doing in here?”
“Knight Delicious Face eatin’ Sam’s flower?”
“More like his entire garden. I mean, I’m all for the butt sex, as you very well know, but this is just… meaty. Like, it’s one of those smells that you can taste, you know? I can actually taste their coupling.”
Unable to ignore them anymore, I opened my eyes.
Gary and Tiggy stood on my side of the bed, staring down at me.
“Hi!” Tiggy said, hunched over so his head wouldn’t hit the ceiling.
“Oh look,” Gary said. “He awoke all on his own. How fortuitous.” He leaned forward and put his snout against my cheek, squishing it in. “I can taste your sex,” he whispered.
I shoved his face off me. “What the hell is wrong with the both of you?”
“What’s wrong with us? Well, where should I begin? How about that I just had to walk into your stink den of love? How about that, Sam?”
“It’s not that bad.”
“Sam, I’ve done things to people that you couldn’t even begin to imagine. It has never smelled like this after.”
“I was pent-up!”
“Gross,” Tiggy said.
I groaned, turning my back to them and curling into Ryan’s side again. Maybe if I ignored them, they’d go away.
“Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam Sam SamSamSamSamSam—”
“What!”
“That’s better,” Gary said. “Don’t turn your back on me again, or I’ll stab you. In case you can’t remember because you got your brains literally fucked out of your head, I have my horn again, and I can follow up on threats now.”
I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face. “I remember.”
“Good. To make up for your rudeness, I will accept a compliment now about it.”
“It looks nice.”
“That was weak. Try again.”
“It looks very nice.”
“Thank you,” Gary said, smiling widely. “It does, doesn’t it? I only got three hours of sleep last night, and while I could say it’s because unicorns don’t need that much sleep when they have their horns, that would be a lie. I spent most of the night staring at myself in the mirror, gazing upon the magnificence that is myself.”
“That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.”
“As it shouldn’t. Do you want to touch it?”
“No. I’m pretty sure I got my fill of it yesterday. Remember yesterday? When it shot its rainbow load all over me?”
“Come on, Sam. Just touch it. Just a little bit. Just the tip.”
“Tiggy touch the tip,” Tiggy said.
“Yes, you did. And with such a firm grip too.”