the porch stairs and inside of his and Justin’s house, the door slamming shut behind us, before I could open my mouth again. Ryan dropped my hand and leaned against the door, eyes closed, head rocking back and hitting the wood in a steady beat.
I waited, because shit had gotten real and Ryan was pissed.
The minutes ticked by.
Then, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
He opened his eyes, and he looked absolutely exhausted. “This. Everything. It’s all a joke to you. A game.”
I bristled at that. “I don’t think this is a game—”
He growled as he pushed himself off the door, beginning to pace. “I thought the whole cavalier thing you do was just part of your charm. That it was a facet of who you are. A mask of sorts. To protect you from getting hurt. The gods only know that I do the same. I think all of us do. It’s part of being alive. We have to protect ourselves from the things that scare us the most.”
“I don’t understand.”
His eyes were blazing when he looked at me, and I couldn’t help but take a step back. “Sam, you could die.”
“Hey, that’s a given. I mean, we’re all going to die sometime, right? Like you said, it’s part of being alive.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Why do you do this? Why do you deflect? Don’t you see how serious this is? What this all means?”
“Trust me, I know exactly what this all means,” I snapped at him. “I’ve had to live with this—this thing over my head for a long time now. Do you know how that made me feel? What that did to me?”
He stopped pacing and just stared.
“It made me feel like nothing I did mattered. Because everything was already decided for me. Fuck, for all I know, you had no choice in the matter. Think about it, Ryan. A wizard needs a cornerstone, right? And I’m supposed to be the wizard to end all wizards. What does that say about you? Your life? What if you didn’t have a choice in any of this either?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I refuse to believe that. I made my choice, Sam. I chose you that day. In front of everyone. And I did it because of how I feel about you. Stone crumbles, Sam. You said it yourself. That our paths are set, but stone crumbles.”
“How do you know?”
He scowled at me. “Do you really think that the gods made your parents want you more than anything in the world? That they would force Kevin and Tiggy and Gary to lay down their lives for you should they be called to do so? The gods didn’t make Morgan want to help you become the best you could be. They didn’t make Justin your best friend 5eva. They didn’t make the King trust in you to make you his wizard.” His breath hitched in his chest. “And they sure as fuck didn’t make me love you. I did that on my own. That was me. I did that. And I would do it again, Sam. And again. And again. But you’re wearing your godsdamn mask. I don’t know what you’re really thinking. What your plan is. What you’re going to do. All I know is that it seems like you have a death wish.”
I laughed bitterly. “I don’t want to die.”
“Don’t you? Because you’re acting careless about everything. The Darks outside the castle. Myrin in Mashallaha. Fuck, Justin and Kevin even before we knew he was Kevin.”
“Yeah. Great. Bring up old shit. That’ll help.”
“It’s who you are!” he suddenly shouted at me. “Why can’t you see that?”
“Fine,” I said stiffly. “That’s who I am. I guess there’s nothing else about me. Thank you for pointing that out. I’ll remember that when—”
“Knock it off, Sam. You’ve never been good at playing the martyr before. You don’t need to start… now.” He shook his head, huffing out a breath. “That’s what this is, isn’t it? This… bravado. You think you’re not going to come out of this alive. That there’s no other way out.”
“Well, when you put it that way—”
He stood in front of me then, gripping me by the shoulders, gaze darting over my face. “Tell me,” he demanded. “Tell me that’s not true. Tell me that you’re not planning on sacrificing yourself.”
“Wouldn’t you do the same?”
He blinked. “I don’t—”
“You swore an oath to the King. To follow him. To protect him. If you were called upon to do so, you would lay down your life for him. Wouldn’t you?”
He didn’t like that very much if the look on his face said anything. “It’s not the same.”