“I can help you with that!”
“Shut up, Kevin!”
“CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS BACK ON ME!” Gary bellowed, and everyone fell silent. “I mean, it’s not as if we’re talking about my horn or anything, something that I’ve been without for years.”
“He’s right,” I told Ryan. “Stop flirting with Terry. You’re wasting everyone’s time.”
“You’re so stupid,” Ryan muttered, glaring at me mutinously.
I ignored him, because that was what one did when getting insulted. “Gary, you know I wouldn’t keep your horn from you. Dude, I’m actually getting a little turned-on at the idea of you getting it back. I wouldn’t keep that from you.”
Gary’s eyes filled with tears. “That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“That says a lot about all of us,” Kevin said.
Tiggy ran his hand over Gary’s mane. “Pretty Gary. You horny for your horn?”
“A little,” Gary said, sniffling. “And also nervous. I’ve been without it for so long, what if I’ve forgotten how to unicorn?”
“You can’t make words into verbs just because you want to,” Randall said. “Stop it. All of you need to stop it.”
“Having a horn doesn’t make the unicorn,” Mom told Gary.
“Yes,” Dad said. “It’s about what’s on the inside that counts.”
“And your insides are filled with rainbows and sunshine,” I said. “And also rage, murderous intentions, biting sarcasm that can destroy self-esteem in four words or less, sexual deviancy that puts even whores with the loosest of morals to shame, a tendency to trample first and ask questions later, a fierceness unrivaled by anyone I’ve ever met, and the ability to make any situation that much more awkward by simply existing.”
“I’m so lovely,” Gary sobbed. “Everyone thinks so.”
“I love you with or without a horn,” Kevin said. “Also, I like putting things inside of you.”
“One day,” the King said to Justin, “these will be the people you’ll rule over.”
Justin scowled at all of us. “Is it too late to be put up for adoption?”
“Okay,” Gary said, eyes suddenly dry. “I think I’m ready. I had doubts, but then you all talked about how glorious I am—which, honestly, I already knew, but it doesn’t hurt to hear—so now I’m ready to get my horn back.”
“Okay,” I said, licking my lips nervously. “So, do I just… stick it back on your head?”
Gary blinked. “I have no idea.”
Justin groaned. “Seriously? Do any of you know what you’re doing?”
Gary turned to his Terry. “Do you know?”
Terry shrugged. “I’ve never been an idiot and l
ost my horn before.”
Tiggy leaned forward to stare at the nub of bone sticking out from Gary’s head. He frowned for a long moment. Then, “Glue.”
“Glue,” Gary repeated.
“Glue. Just glue it.”
“We’re not going to glue it.”
Tiggy smiled. “Out of ideas.”