“I can console you,” Terry said helpfully. “Do you want me to sit on you like I did for Sam?”
“Uh. No? Thank you, though. That’s very kind of you.”
“Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime.”
I glared at him. “I didn’t know accountants were supposed to be devious.”
“Do you know many accountants?”
“Well… no.”
“Then shut up.”
“Do I have to do the thing?” Justin groaned.
“Yes,” I said. ?
?On stage, in front of everyone, and that will help me decide if I want to give a big, rousing speech that will inspire people generations to come.”
“You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to you to talk.”
I shrugged. “Your loss.”
“Dammit,” he muttered. “Okay, fine. I’ll do it. But then I will never do anything for you again.”
I grinned at him. “We both know that’s not true, but whatever you gotta tell yourself.”
He grumbled as he made his way back up on stage.
I grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled him toward the opposite end of the table. “Lady Tina, Vadoma. You’re both looking… alive. Mom. Dad. I love your faces, so don’t ever change them. Gary. Tiggy. Your deaths will not be quick, and you will scream as I remove your intestines by attaching them to a winch and then turning said winch and pulling your guts out slowly. Kevin, you haven’t gotten on my shit list in the last twenty minutes, so keep it that way and we’ll be square.”
“He’s such a whiny little bitch,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Right?” Tiggy said. “Bitches be whinin’.”
I smacked Gary on his left flank. “Rude. Also, I need your help. I have to give a speech that will inspire generations of people, and I just came to the realization that I have a startling fear of public speaking. I need you to help me overcome that fear, and also cowrite a speech with me.”
Ryan sighed like the drama queen he was.
“You’re in luck,” Kevin said. “I like public speaking because that means everyone’s attention is on me where it belongs.”
“And I write good speeches,” Tiggy said.
“And I will fix your appearance,” Gary said. “So people aren’t put off by how you normally look—I mean, bring out your inner self for all the world to see. How much time do we have? Three days?”
I glanced back at Justin, who was walking up the steps onto the stage. “Probably thirty seconds.”
They gaped at me.
“Justin is going to do the thing,” I said. “He wooed me into this with promises that were like balm to my beleaguered soul!”
“Huh,” Gary said. “Well, you’re fucked.”
“This gonna be funny,” Tiggy said. “Or sad.”
“One lesson I’ve always taught about public speaking is that you need to picture everyone in the audience naked,” Kevin said.
I blinked. “Oh, thank you. I suppose that could—”