If you’ve ever been rebuked by a darling half-giant, then you know it feels like getting hit in the chest with all the feelings in the world. “Sorry, Tiggy,” I muttered.
“Thank you.”
“I’m still going to have my revenge.”
“Silly Sam, cheesy dicks are for everyone.”
And then Zal the Magnificent took the stage.
He didn’t look any different than when we’d stumbled into his tavern on our quest to save the Prince from the evil dragon. The bard was a tall, thin man with a goatee that wouldn’t look out of place on a villain who monologued everyone in their immediate vicinity to death. His dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and his clothes were dusty and travel-weary, as if he’d been on the road for a long time. But he had that same wicked smile on his face, and he carried the same oak lute he’d had in the tavern.
“You know what?” I said, starting to rise again. “This has been fun, but I think I’m going to—”
“Terry!” Gary screeched. “Now!”
“Do I have to?” he sighed.
“Yes!”
I frowned at him. “What are you going to—oh my gods, no, please don’t—”
But it was far too late, because Terry had already charged at me, spun around, and sat in my lap.
“Why,” I wheezed as the chair creaked beneath me. “Why… is your… whole family… like this?”
“This wasn’t my idea,” Terry muttered. “In fact, I absolutely refused. Then Gary reminded me about the whole horn thing, and I had no choice.”
“I have had… so many… unicorn assholes… on my person.”
“Oh please,” Gary said with a sniff. “You know what they say about a unicorn’s backside. Touch a unicorn’s ass, and the world will love you en masse.”
“No one… says that. Literally… no one.”
“I heard it before,” Tiggy said. “From Gary.”
“You guys are so embarrassing,” Terry muttered.
“You’re the one… sitting on me.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to be.”
“Ryan… help me.”
“Nah. I’m good.”
“You… bastard.”
“Most likely.”
“Camp HaveHeart, how we doing tonight?” Zal cried.
Camp HaveHeart was apparently doing very well, if the sound they made gave any indication.
“I hope you’re enjoying your evening here. But since this is essentially a refugee camp as our homes have been taken away from us, you’re probably not having very much fun at all.”
The crowd laughed.
“He’s so right!” a voice called out. “I’m laughing, but I’m also dying a little on the inside!”