“Kevin gonna be sad he not here,” Tiggy said. “I sad that I am.”
“So invasive,” Gary said as he loomed over me. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to get to put myself inside you.”
I had to be strong in the face of such adversity. Two could play at this game. I arched an eyebrow at him and smiled widely in a way that I hoped said that I was giving serious consideration to making out with a hornless unicorn. “Yeah,” I said, sure that I sounded husky and sultry. “I’ve thought about this once or twice.”
“Bad thoughts,” Tiggy moaned in the background. “Bad, bad thoughts.”
“What?” Gary squeaked. He coughed. “I mean, yeah, totally, me too. This is going to be so sweet. Like, I’m pretty sure I’m thinking about getting an erection right now.”
“Oh good,” I said. “Because I’ve already started to get one a little bit.”
“No,” Tiggy said, rocking back and forth. “No, no, no, no.”
I could feel Gary’s breath on my face. It smelled like warm cookies and happiness. “Well,” Gary said, “maybe it’s time you found out exactly what my bakery is all about. Stop in. Have a seat. Let me take care of you. Maybe have a jumbo caramel banana muffin.”
Oh my gods. That was one of the more disgusting things on his bakery menu. It involved—no. No, I couldn’t even picture it, because the very thought of the depravity of Gary’s jumbo caramel banana muffin was enough to make me want to find the nearest church and pray for hours. “Sounds great,” I managed to get out. “Make sure it has extra caramel.”
“Whyyyyyyyyyy,” Tiggy moaned.
Gary’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, I’ve got all the caramel for you.”
Tiggy gagged.
“Good,” I said. “Now, are you gonna kiss me, or are you just going to stand there and talk about it?”
“Here I come,” Gary said.
“Which is what I’ll be saying in like three minutes.”
Gary shuddered. “That’s so hot,” he managed to say, even though he sounded like he was about to be violently ill. “I can’t wait to see your orgasm face.”
Ugh. That’s not something you should ever hear from your unicorn best friend. “Yeah, it’s pretty… cool.”
“I’m going to put so much rainbow in you. It’s probably going to end up leaking out your ears.”
I threw up a little in my mouth but managed to swallow it. “Yeah, maybe after you can lick it up.”
He frowned. “You want me to lick my rainbow secretion from your ears?”
I shrugged. “Why not? Scared?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Never.”
“Happy place,” Tiggy muttered. “Going to my happy place.”
“Here we go,” I said, leaning forward, trying to force myself to pucker up but my mouth not really getting the message.
“Here comes the muffin,” Gary singsonged, and was I really going to do this?
Yes. Yes, I was, because making out with Gary was going to prove that Lady Tina was evil.
Or something.
I didn’t really remember how we’d gotten to this point. Which, to be honest, happened quite often.
Gary flicked his meaty tongue at me, and I was going to let that in my mouth and—
“What the hell is going on in here?”