Tiggy frowned.
“Tiggy! Line.”
“Whatever will happen—”
“Yes. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary, the queen of the forest, have been captured by a villain who for some reason doesn’t want to tap dat ass, but has other nefarious purposes in mind for me. He knows not who he trifles with, and if I wasn’t so woozy, I would be stabbing the shit out of his eyeballs right now, because motherfucker does not get to walk away from this. Who does he think he is?”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-buuuummmm.”
“I… am… Gary! I make the world merry. People think I’m scary, bitches better be warrrrrrryyyyy.”
“Did you know about this?” Justin asked Ryan, sounding extraordinarily accusatory. “Did you know there would be songs?”
“That beard, though,” Ryan said, sounding awed.
“It was the flower!” I said again. “That is what poisoned you.”
“It was the flower,” Tiggy said. “Curses.”
“The flower?” Gary asked, outraged. “How did you know I would be searching for flowers?”
I prowled around him. “I have been following you for days, my sweet. Watching your every move like a creepy asshole who doesn’t know the meaning of personal boundaries. I have been planning this very moment for at least six hours, and now that I have you in my clutches, I will take from you what shall be mine.”
“My horn?” Gary whispered, eyes wide.
“Your horn. Because everyone knows a unicorn’s horn is one of the most powerful magical objects ever to exist. One who has such a thing in his possession will be capable of many villainous things, like mayhem and scandals.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Tiggy said. “Two things that are bad.”
“Mayhem and scandals,” Gary cried. “Oh, heart! Beat slowly in my chest. Is there no one over yonder who could save me?”
“No one over yonder,” Tiggy said sadly. “Gary all alone.”
“There is no one who could save you,” I said, a terrible smile on my face. “Soon, you won’t be able to move, and I will cut the horn from your head.”
Mom and Dad looked disturbed. Even Terry seemed affected.
“Why?” Gary asked, eyes sparkling with tears as he lowered himself to the ground. “Why would you do such a thing to one as magnificent as I?”
“It’s really rather simple,” I said, standing above him. “It’s because I can.”
And I reached for his horn.
The paper one.
That had fallen and was resting on his cheek.
Community theater was hard.
“Do the ribbon thing,” Gary whispered as I grabbed the paper horn.
“Don’t you think that’s a little graphic?”
“Wow, way to question the star. Just fucking do it.”
I rolled my eyes but complied. A soon as I began to slowly pull the horn from his head, I gathered a small bit of magic and shot silky red ribbons from my sleeves, simulating blood for reasons I didn’t understand. A unicorn’s horn was made of bone, and it shouldn’t have bled profusely, but I didn’t want my understudy to get my job, even though I didn’t actually have an understudy.
“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over.