“I can’t move!” Gary wailed. “I am a unicorn, a being of pure light and sunshine and rainbows who children adore even though I usually don’t like them because they are sticky and stupid and I wouldn’t be sad if they all went away. But oh no! This plight I have found myself in is certainly not good!”
“Not good at all,” Tiggy said.
“Or is it the best,” I growled. “Because I am a villain, and I plan on showing you my villainous ways.”
“Oooh,” Kevin whispered. “It’s one of those sexy shows.”
“Bum,” Tiggy sang. “Bum, bum bu-bum.”
“I am really saaaaaad,” Gary trilled, picking up the tune.
“And I am really baaaad,” I warbled.
“Hark!” Gary cried. “Who goes there! And what have you done to me!”
I stepped out from the corner, stalking slowly toward Gary. “’Tis I, a villain!”
“Holy realistic beard,” Ryan breathed.
“Oh, godsdammit, Ryan,” Justin said with a scowl. “Control yourself.”
“It’s not that great,” Terry muttered. “My mane is longer and far more luxuriant. Ryan, do you want to touch my mane? You can, if you want.”
“Who are you?” Gary asked dramatically. “What do you want from me? You can’t have your wicked way with me. My virtue is intact. I am pristine and shall remain as such! You shan’t take that away from me, even though you have drugged me to try and make me pliant.”
“I will not have my wicked way with you,” I spat, stroking my beard, because according to Gary in his production notes, villains stroked their beards to the point that it looked like they were trying to jerk their facial hair off. I had tried to schedule a meeting with him to discuss the direction the play was going, but his secretary (Tiggy) had kept saying Gary was unavailable for the foreseeable future. I’d thought he was lying. “Even though dat ass won’t quit.”
“Dis ass?” Gary asked, wiggling his posterior just a little.
“Dat ass,” I agreed, only because it was in the script. I tugged on my beard some more, trying to sell my v
illainous ways.
“It is nice,” Gary said. “Thank you for noticing. I do lots of squats.”
“Gary did them every morning,” Tiggy narrated. “Everyone liked dat ass.”
“But if you don’t want a piece of all of this, then what are you after?” Gary asked, batting his eyelashes at me.
“Something far more sinister,” I said, scowling at him and stroking my beard furiously. “I have come… for your horn!”
Kevin whimpered. Strangely, so did Ryan.
“Oh no,” Tiggy said. “This terrible. Gary alone in woods and poisoned.”
“Oh no,” Gary said. “This is terrible. I am all alone in the woods, and I’ve been poisoned. Whatever will happen to me? For I, Gary—”
“It was the flower!” I crowed wildly. “That is what poisoned you!”
“Sam,” Gary hissed. “You came in too early! I wasn’t finished with my inner monologue yet.”
I winced. “Sorry. I’m just happy to be here. I get excited easily.”
“No shit. Don’t let it happen again. I will fire you and give your job to your understudy, so help me gods. Do we understand each other?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Ahem. Tiggy, line please.”