Kevin and I tried to make ourselves smaller.
“Now,” Gary said, “here’s how this is going to work. I am going to murder the both of you. And then I am going to resurrect you using arcane magic. And then I am going to murder you again. And then I will resurrect you again. And only then will I entertain the idea of setting a date far in the future in which I will consider the idea of possibly forgiving either of you for your crimes against Tiggy and myself.”
“Tiggy hug Sam now?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.
“No, you can’t hug Sam now. We still need to make him grovel—and you’re already hugging him.”
And he was. He’d taken three large steps forward, and before I could even react, I’d been swept up in his big arms and held tightly against his chest. His heart was beating rapidly, and he was breathing heavily, and I realized my wonderful friend was shaking. My eyes prickled with tears as I heard him sniffle. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his throat.
“My Sam,” he said quietly. “My Sam. My Sam.”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“Hi.”
“I missed you.”
“Me too. No more, okay? You stay here with Gary and Tiggy forever.”
“Okay.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah,” I said, voice breaking just a little. And even though I knew it was a promise no person could ever make, I said, “Forever,” because I wanted nothing more.
“Tiggy!” Gary growled. “I have never experienced such disappointment in my life. We had a plan. There were going to be threats and intimidation and blood, and then we were going to make them do things for us like laundry and a dance choreographed by yours truly involving unflattering costumes for our specific amusement. And then we were going to cry and hug them and all that other stupid feelings crap.”
“I cry now?” Tiggy said, eyes filling.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “This is going to get very wet.”
“But if you start, I will,” Gary said, lips trembling. The Unicorn Rage glitter was starting to fade. “And at least one of us needs to be angry at them.”
“No angry!” Tiggy wailed, tilting his head back. “Hugging and crying! So happy and sad!”
“I didn’t mean to leave!” I cried. “You have to forgive me!”
Gary ran forward until he collided with Tiggy, who wrapped him up in his other arm, squishing both of us against his chest. “This is going to ruin my makeup,” Gary sobbed, his nostrils pressed against my eyes. It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. “It will streak down my face, and I will look like the aftermath of a festival celebrating the art of bukkake.”
“That’s so disgusting,” I wept. “I hate you so much for saying that so close to my face.”
“Well, it’s true. And I hate you for making me
say it!”
“What bukkake?” Tiggy asked tearfully.
Gary was still crying when he said, “It’s when a group of people take turns ejaculating on someone.”
“Gross,” Tiggy bawled. “Everything happy and sad and gross.”
“I missed you guys so fucking much,” I said, pressing myself closer to Gary. “You have no idea.”
“I expect I do,” Gary said. “And if you think I am letting you out of my sight again in the near future, you’d be sorely mistaken. I am going to cling to you like herpes, you understand me?”
“Tiggy too,” Tiggy said, squeezing us tighter. “I be herpes on your mouth.”
I sighed happily at the thought, which was an impressive feat, seeing as I was still crying along with them.