“Gary,” Kevin breathed.
I struggled to stand. “Run, oh my gods, we have to run. Get up, get up.”
“But—but you know how I feel about angry sex!”
“And I don’t know why I have to know that, but he is going to murder us.”
“I’m going to stay and take it like a dragon.”
“Fuck you, fuck them, fuck this whole place, I’m out.”
He snagged me by my shirt collar as I tried to run past him.
But it didn’t matter by then.
It was already too late.
“TIGGY! SMASH THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW!”
“But that our door.”
“What? I know that. But it has offended me by concealing from me those who will have my rage thrust upon them.”
“It a good door.”
“Well, yes. It is a good door. A fine door, even. But how will they take us seriously if we don’t come in all dramatically?”
“Oh. Right. Tiggy smash?”
“Yes, kitten. Smash away. And do it like you mean it. Make me believe you want to destroy it and them.”
“Okay.” Then, “TIGGY SMASH!”
I had to admit, he really sold it.
The barn door exploded.
Chapter 4: Reunited and It Feels So Good
WHEN ONE has a hornless gay unicorn as a best friend, one tends to know certain things as fact:
First, unicorns are not as pristine as one might think. They tend to be whores and will sleep with most everything that moves. They can be in monogamous relationships, but it’s a rarity. Usually, if they have a partner, they will tend to still participate in threesomes or foursomes or twenty-sevensomes.
Second, you do not fuck with a unicorn, because they will cut a bitch. They are capable of a uniquely terrifying rage that usually begins to reveal itself in the form of glitter secretion. No one knows where the glitter comes from, but when a unicorn starts to sparkle, it’s probably a good idea to run in the opposite direction, because you are undoubtedly about to get horribly murdered in a way that will be painful and drawn-out.
Third, unicorns formed extraordinary bonds with those they deem worthy. If you are able to gain a unicorn’s trust, it’s usually for life. And even if they give you shit every day and make fun of you and talk behind your back, it means that they love you more than almost anything in the world. They show it by damaging your self-esteem.
Fourth, if you have an extraordinary bond with a unicorn and said unicorn happens to be your best friend whom you left in the middle of the night almost a year ago without leaving them a letter specifically addressed to them, they will come barging in through the gates of whatever town you’re staying in, screaming about murder and death and how if they had their horn, Camp HaveHeart would be renamed Gore City, because there was going to be Gore City up in here, you get me, you pasty-ass motherfucking dick lickers?
But what makes it even worse is when said unicorn best friend is coupled with another best friend who happens to be a half-giant.
They feed off each other.
Giants (and therefore half-giants) get a bad rap. They’re considered brutish and violent and oh so stupid, and maybe there is some truth in that. They speak mostly in grunts and are prone to using their fists more than their words. And yes, there was a battle nine hundred years ago in which a tribe of giants tried to take over Verania in the Battle of Squished Innards where many people died after getting smashed, but that was in the past. These days, they stayed beyond the Northern Mountains and no one bothered them, and that was that.
Tiggy, of course, being the exception.
Tiggy, for all his clipped speech and love for brooms, was most certainly not a stereotypical giant. People underestimated him, thinking he was slow and thoughtless, incapable of actual human feelings. But of course, they were wrong, because Tiggy probably had the biggest heart of us all and was smarter than most everyone I knew. He was very protective of the people he loved the most, and usually destroyed any obstacles in his way to get to them.