Katya and Brant were shouting something up at the guards, but I wasn’t paying any mind, because I thought I recognized one of the men standing above us. He was wearing an ill-fitting uniform and clutching a spear like his life depended on it, his ears sticking out adorably. I knew those ears.
“Todd?”
“Sam?” he squeaked, staring down at me, eyes wide. “Holy shit, is that Sam of Wilds?”
Everyone fell silent almost immediately.
I grinned up at him. “Dude! Look at you! Being all manly and awesome. Have you stabbed anyone with that thing?”
“Of course not!”
“Oh. Wow. That’s… strangely disappointing.”
“Where the hell have you been!”
I cocked my head. “In the woods. With this guy.”
Kevin grinned at him. He had many, many teeth.
The guards didn’t seem to like that very much.
“How do we know you’re the real Sam of Wilds?” a man next to Todd shouted down. “You could be a fake! And that dragon could be… fake. Also.”
“Todd knows I’m not a fake,” I said, winking at him. “Don’t you, Todd?”
He sputtered. His ears turned a little red. I wanted to pinch them.
“Still as charming as ever,” I said.
“Are you—are you flirting with me?”
“What? No! I mean, I’ve got my boo and all. But if he’s left me for Justin or some other floozy—not that Justin is a floozy or anything, because best friend 5eva—but if he’s left me for my best friend 5eva, then I will probably break down emotionally and need someone to lean on, and in a moment of weakness, we might accidentally have pity sex that we’ll both regret. The next morning we’ll wake up and I’ll offer to make you pancakes, even though I want nothing more than for you to leave and you’ll say, ‘Sure, I love pancakes!’ because you won’t get the hint. And then I’ll say, ‘I’m not making you pancakes, get out.’ And then years down the road, we’ll pass each other on the street and wave awkwardly at each other and you’ll think about how awesome my deep-throating skills are and I’ll think about how I’m late for an important business meeting—because apparently I have business meetings in this weird fantasy of yours—and then we’ll go our separate ways.”
Everyone was staring at me.
“Sorry,” I said hastily. “I haven’t had a lot of human interaction in a very long time. I’m a little rusty. I also might have forgotten about societal norms. Do we make sexually aggressive remarks now, or is that just a dragon thing?”
“I’ve trained him so well,” Kevin said fondly.
“That’s Sam of Wilds,” Todd sighed. “I would know that nonsense anywhere.”
“Ooh, acting familiar, are we? Todd, you saucy minx—oh look, the gates are opening. About damn time.”
And they were. With a great groan, the gates parted to reveal—
A group of heavily armed women.
All of whom squealed when they saw me.
Well, most of them did.
And I would have recognized them anywhere. Especially since I had infiltrated thirty-two of their meetings dressed as a bearded man named Mervin.
Deirdre.
Wanda.
Mary.